When Values Collide

Americans are asked to volunteer information that could lead to the apprehension of terrorists or their supporters. Complying can cut across confidentiality and privacy. That makes things a little tricky. If someone tells you something in confidence it would certainly be difficult to go against the promise you have made to keep things between the two of you. But we’re not talking about a little neighborhood gossip here or little tidbits of information that if made public could be embarrassing or upsetting to a few. When it’s terrorism or something with wide-spread implications don’t we owe it to our fellow Americans – which includes people we love and care about deeply – to make sure that we do everything in our power to keep our country safe from harm – whatever that potential harm is? I think we do.

No doubt it would be difficult to be a whistle-blower in any situation. It can thrust us into something that is involved and complicated and that brings adversity upon us. It seems like a small price to pay, however, when you look at the implications of doing nothing. Can anyone look back at 9/11 and honestly say they would not come forward if they had information that could prevent something like that or even something much, much smaller in scale? I can’t imagine anyone could.

Look at our economy? Really, did no one have any idea of the fraudulent things going on in many companies or by individuals? Yes, there was a lot of irresponsible behavior as many were just “rolling with the good times” but there was a lot of fraud, a lot of reckless and unethical if not illegal goings-on. What if some folks stepped forward earlier or at all? Might it have made a difference?

And how about politics – do we want people running our states or working on federal legislation who are mostly out to serve their own self-interests rather that the people who they represent? Especially when they are breaking laws in the process?

I believe it is our responsibility as citizens to do the difficult thing and get involved when we become aware of things that can be detrimental or much worse for the lives of others, even when the impact on ourselves is negligible. Our safety is a big deal. Our financial well-being is a big deal. Our country’s laws and policies and freedoms are a big deal. If there are people out there who are a threat to those ‘things’ then we must do something about it if and when we can. I do feel it is my responsibility to do what I can to ensure the best possible life for those I love and those with whom I live on this earth.

Are you readily willing to volunteer information that might lead to the apprehension of terrorists? Why?

Another Thought for This Holiday Season

Henry Van Dyke said, “What you possess in the world will be found at the day of your death to belong to someone else. But what you are will be yours forever.” As we rush around and shop for “things” during the holidays I wonder how often we shoppers stop to think about who we are, what we are teaching our children and what kind of examples we are setting for others. Isn’t that the greatest gift of all? To give of ourselves to others? To give our love, our kindness, our gratitude? To be generous in spirit above all else? Isn’t that the “stuff” that’s the most important? Yes, yes it is.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love shopping for people and finding that "perfect" gift. And I love watching the kids rip open packages and seeing the looks of surprise on their faces and the smiles of happiness in response to Santa bringing them exactly what they asked for. Christmas is a time in our house to replenish and update in many ways. As the kids age, they grow so they need clothing and shoes that will fit their changing bodies. They also evolve intellectually and socially thus new and different books, toys and music are requested to feed those interests. We are fortunate to be able to provide these types of material gifts to the kids at Christmas but we also really try every year to make sure they see how important the little and not so little non-material things are. We try to remember to talk about and show them how important it is to be kind, to show your love, to give of yourself, to be gracious and generous - not just at Christmas but all the time.

Mr. Van Dyke is correct – all our ‘things’ will pass on to others one day. They may hold good memories and be special reminders of loved ones for us but they are often just catalysts – catalysts for thoughts of who those people were. For example, I have my grandmother’s piano in my basement. My children play it and I love that thing because it holds wonderful memories of visits to her house when I was a child. But it is her I see, and her I think about when I look at it or listen to the kids play on it. I remember that kind, sweet, smiling, funny, tiny lady who was so generous with her time. She took us on bike rides and to yard sales to find “special treasures”. She let my sister and me drink “coffee” from this tiny Santa mug (it was about 99% milk and 1% coffee) so we could feel “grown up”. We would swing together on her porch swing. She made us dresses for dances when we were in middle school and high school. She told me stories about my grandfather who died in World War II before my mother was old enough to go to school. The way she described him to me when I was a senior in high school I could almost feel how much she loved him. I remember that so clearly. Tears came to her eyes remembering him – some fifty years later. It was true love I saw - I felt - when she spoke. I have in my dining room china cabinet these reddish pink drinking glasses that once were displayed in her dining room china cabinet. They make me smile. Because they are pretty? No, although they are pretty. It's because I see her in them and that resultant thought is what makes me smile. Who she was. She set a good example. She made people laugh and liked to laugh. She meant well all the time. She loved us and we felt it. She cared and we knew it. She persevered as a young mother and widow. She was strong in spirit. That was who she was.

The glassware I have that belonged to her is nice and I cherish it but if they were to break they are gone forever. Just a thing that is no longer and that will be soon forgotten. But my Grandma Porter will forever be who she always was. For eternity. She was a true gift. I hope one day my kids and grandkids will remember me as kindly. I want to be remembered that way. I want to be that gift to them the way she was to me.

So, here’s another thought to ponder this holiday season: Who are you today? Is it who you want to be?

Happy Holidays and Peace to All.

Exercise & Better Self-Esteem

According to one study in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, people who exercise regularly have better self-esteem. When exercise stopped, self-esteem regressed. There have been many studies that report improved mental health as well as physical health through exercise. From my own experience I would have to validate this study.

I do excercise regularly. Well, mostly. At times I am more of a sporadic exerciser. It seems to become sporadic in busy times - around holidays, when the workload piles up, when the kids have lots going on. Interestingly, these are the times when it is likely needed more than others - at least mentally. I usually run or ride a recumbant bike for aerobic exercise then do weight training to work my muscles. Nothing major, just some resistance training. Exercise takes time so it's easy for folks to say there is no time. Funny, though, how there is always time to watch that favorite television show or chat online with friends or go shopping or have coffee with a neighbor or do other "me" stuff. All of those things may be good things to do to relax and unwind too but can't we can find time for a little exercise?

If you ask me it is a major player in our feelings of self esteem. Big time. I totally feel better about myself when I am exercising. Whether I look any better in the mirror or not isn't the only thing that causes me to feel better about myself, it's also about knowing that I simply did it; that it's good for me and in some way or another it's benefiting me.

Feeling good about myself gives me confidence. I like myself more when I'm exercising. When I exercise I am taking responsibility for my health and I respect myself for that. It takes determination sometimes to make myself trudge down to the basement for that workout or venture outside for a run. I sometimes have to push myself pretty hard to continue on with a workout when I really feel like going to bed so I have to have perseverance. But it's all worth it for in the end I feel so much better - happy with myself - after that hour - or even half an hour sometimes when I'm crunched for time. My clothes fit. I don't get winded when I climb the stairs. I don't look in the mirror and say "I should really start exercising." It's all good when I'm in my exercise routine.

What do you think? Does exercise help your self-esteem? Why do you think this way? And if you don't exercise, how might your self-esteem be different or better if you did?

A List of Thanks

Deborah Norville wrote, Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You. “Even when bombarded with life-shaking events, we can find something for which to be thankful”, says Norville. “It helps to focus on the forces that go right instead of the other kind. Making lists of stuff for which to be thankful helps.”

As we approach Thanksgiving it seemed appropriate to write about being grateful. I decided to make a list of stuff, as Deborah Norville suggested, for which I am thankful.

1. My husband and children – they bring me much happiness, love and laughter.
2. My dog – she never fails to greet me in her own doggy way.
3. My health – not all is ideal (oh the aging process!) but overall I feel quite fortunate for my good health.
4. My friends – whether near or far, old or new, true friends are there for you – sometimes in reality, sometimes in spirit – and that support system is invaluable.
5. Other family – my parents, siblings, in-laws, other relatives – family, which needn’t be only defined by genetics or the law, is awesome.
6. Choice – the freedom of choice - to have choices – politically, spiritually, socially, personally, professionally – is a freedom we should remember to be grateful for.
7. Work – being productive, whether you are paid for it or not, is rewarding and enriching.
8. Our world – beaches, big bustling cities, small towns, foreign lands – not all is ‘right’ in the world but I am very thankful for what great beauty and interesting places there are for us to explore and experience.
9. Comedy – having levity in your life makes it that much more fun. I am thankful for the people and the things that make me laugh.
10. Life – just to be here is a gift and I am thankful for every moment

What three (or more) “things” are you most thankful for today? Why?

Caring for Animals - A Core Value

In Forbes, David Whelan tells about spine surgeon, medical instrument inventor, aggressive patent protector, billionaire and philanthropist, Gary Michelson. Michelson really cares about animals and is investing in science to reduce the number killed by animal shelters and those lost from their owners. In his tough childhood, his dog was a source of comfort. His caring for animals is a core value for him.

I am glad there are people like David Whelan in our world; people who have the means to do more than most of us can and are giving to causes that are important to them, that help those who cannot help themselves. Clearly animals are dependent upon us humans, in one way or another, for their well-being. Not all humans do such a great job at caring for or respecting the lives or these wonderful creatures. Many, however, do. I love animals. Maybe not all animals – snakes, for example really give me the heebie jeebies – but I do find just about all, if not all, animals fascinating and interesting and many I fight outright lovable.

I’ve had pets ever since I was about 4. After seeing 101 Dalmatians I just had to have my very own Dalmatian. One day at a pet shop (which were common then, not so much now and I know they are not good places to get pets) I saw a black and white toy fox terrier in its kennel and I announced, “Look! A baby Dalmatian!” My mother jumped on the opportunity and bought us the dog. She was not on board with what she thought would have been a dog that was too big and perhaps not great with children. I suppose I loved that dog so much that I never asked where her spots were or why she didn’t grow to the size Pongo or Perdita were in the movie. From then on we always had dogs. And other pets – cats, a rabbit and a horse.

Most of the animals I grew up with were strays. We lived out in the country on a gravel road with farms and houses on many acres that were mostly not within view of our road– a great place for unwanted pets to be dropped off by uncaring, cruel people who no longer wanted them or could no longer care for them. There was a pregnant cat who had three kittens and a pregnant dog who had three pups. At one time I believe we had 7 or 8 dogs and 5 or 6 cats at the same time. Crazy, I know, but at least we had the property to allow them all to run around quite freely. We were able to give them a good life. Every time we took in a stray we intended to find it a home but we became almost instantly attached to the animals and we couldn’t part from them. They brought us joy, laughter, love and heartache. The emotions I felt towards those pets were as real and as strong as any I’ve ever had. They were my friends, they were my family, they were loves of my life.

Caring about animals is absolutely a core value of mine. I donate regularly to several animal organizations and sporadically to others when I am able. I’ve picked up dogs running loose and helped them find their way home. My husband and I actually witnessed someone drop off a dog on my parents’ road when leaving their house one day after a visit. We were able to get the dog into our car, arrange for its veterinary care and found it a home. I cannot pass by a dog without giving it a little attention (I ask, of course, if I am a stranger to the dog). I’m clearly a dog lover but I care about wildlife as well. It’s their Earth too. And they were here first. We need to be mindful of all creatures as we develop our world, as we do things that can harm their habitats. These creatures are innocent, natural beings. They have no power over us humans but we have great power over them. We have a responsibility to not abuse that power, to not do harm to them.

I need little motivation to practice caring for animals. It’s deep within me. Every kiss and snuggle from my dog helps ensures it stays that way. Every time I watch a Nature show on PBS or witness the awesome footage in the Planet Earth series I am further certain I will continue to support and care about animals. They have given me, I think, a greater capacity to care and love and laugh than I would have had otherwise. And for all they have given and will continue to give to me I owe them as much as I can give back.

Is caring about animals a core value for you? What motivates the practice of this value?

Civility: The Way Citizens Practice Constructive Relationships

Civility: The Way Citizens Practice Constructive Relationships

• Why do some of us toss our trash wherever it suits us?
• Why do some of us not share the sidewalk or hall with those we pass?
• Why do some of us think that playing our music at top volume is our personal privilege?

Civility is a big issue for me. I think we’re less civil than we used to be. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve become such a “me” culture that we have decided that me, myself and I are the only people that matter or if there’s more to it. I think there are various reasons as to why we have become less civil. Here are some civility issues I’d like to see improved upon:

1) Minimizing cell phone use in public places. If absolutely necessary to carry on a cell phone conversation in these places, the civil thing to do would be to keep the conversation brief, keep your voice down and/or move to a location where there are no or few other people so as to respect the personal space of others. Most people do not want to be forced to listen someone else’s conversation. Don’t make them.

2) Holding the door for others. It’s civil and polite. Take a moment to look behind you as you walk through a door and if someone is there or close behind you hold it open until the door can be relinquished to the person who follows.

3) When you see someone who could use a little extra help, offer it. Don’t stand by and watch someone struggle – be it a mother with a stroller, an elderly person with groceries, anyone who may have their hands full then drops something, a child who can’t reach something – take the few seconds to ease someone else’s load.

4) Have patience. At some point in time everyone is new to a job. You may be in a hurry but surely the new cashier isn’t intentionally moving slowly. The student driver may be a little nervous; it won’t help to beep your horn. Technological breakdowns in stores, offices, schools will happen – taking your frustration out on an innocent by-stander does nothing but make that person’s day worse and does nothing to remedy the actual problem. We live in a busy, crowded world, being impatient isn’t going to change that and isn’t going to make your or anyone else’s day more pleasant.

5) Respect other people’s time and space. Don’t make people wait but if you must, call or provide an update as to your status. Don’t think that everyone wants to hear your conversation, your fun ring tone, your music or anything else that may emanate from you, your car or your residence. We all live together in communities and move about in the same space, however, this is shared space, don’t act like you own it or that you rule over it.

The way in which I try to practice civility goes back to what my parents taught me – treat others as you would like to be treated. It is really excellent advice. We all know what we like and don’t like so how easy would it be to make sure that we ourselves avoid doing any of those things that we personally do not like? Very easy. I also try to do things that are simply polite which are also expressions of civility. I offer a smile to those I pass on the street, in the grocery store aisle or whenever eye contact is made. I use good manners. I say please and thank you. I hold doors for others. When I have a large amount of groceries on the conveyor belt and someone behind me walks up with one item to purchase I offer for them to check out before me. I am mindful of others not just myself. I try to remember that what I do may affect others and I think about whether those effects are civil and respectful.

I think we have become too focused on ourselves and when you do that it’s very easy to see uncivil actions come out. When you operate in a “me vacuum” and disregard others as you move about your world you are not adding to your community in a positive way; you are not setting an example to be followed. In fact, you may be perpetuating uncivil behavior.

How do you practice civility? How can you be more civil?

Learning From Our Mistakes

Patrick Dempsey, widely known as “McDreamy” on the television drama Grey’s Anatomy, said in an interview with Jeanne Wolf: “The more you can allow yourself to make mistakes, the better off you’re going to be. That’s what life is about. It’s good to have your ego burned.”

I am completely in agreement with Patrick on this one. It takes a certain amount of failing, of “having your ego burned” to allow you to develop the humility and perseverance that life often requires. It also provides the opportunity to learn a great deal about yourself. It would be very easy to become complacent if everything in life came too easily. People would begin to feel entitled to the good that comes their way, they would come to expect to get whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. And when you get to that point you can find yourself facing some tough consequences. How do you develop an appreciation and understanding of what it means to work hard and the rewards, monetary and otherwise, that can come from that? What skills are you developing to handle the adversity that may come your way as you move through life? Everyone needs to get knocked down a peg or two from time to time lest we all get a little too big for our britches. It’s very simplistic to say that our economy is faltering (to put it mildly) because of many folks who became too big for their britches. If you walk through life with rose-colored glasses on all the time eventually it will catch up with you and not in a good way.

The young athlete who is always the all-star would benefit from being struck out or shown up on the court every now and again. This will help keep him/her grounded. Even if you’re the best at something, there is always someone there eager to knock you off your perch. Getting shown up once or twice is a good reminder that you need to continue work hard, that you can never assume that position at the top will always be yours.

The straight-A student who rarely cracks a book would greatly benefit from an average test grade. To be able to understand what it’s like to be ‘less than perfect’ is a reality-check that many need. Knowing how it feels to get back a “C” paper, knowing that you can have a bad day too sometimes provides that dose of reality that will keep you from assuming everything will always be easy for you, that you can’t always count on that A, you have to work for it.

When you make mistakes there is a tremendous opportunity to learn. For one, you learn what to avoid in order to not repeat the same mistake again. You also discover something about yourself. Maybe you realize a vulnerability that you didn’t know was there before. Maybe you had to work hard to overcome whatever that failure was proving to yourself how tough you really can be; or perhaps you had to go back to the drawing board and think things through a different way challenging your creativity or your intellect. You sometimes discover what’s most important to you through mistakes and what not to sweat. Out of mistakes comes the chance to grow, to improve, to learn. You might discover how much someone means to you or what you really want to be doing with your life or that you are stronger than you ever thought you were.

I think we all believe that cruising through life with no metaphoric traffic jams would be just great. But life is all about experiencing – learning, growing, loving, feeling, seeing, doing. It’s impossible to not trip along the way from time to time but from those missteps we learn how we are all alike in this world in one big way and that is that we’re human. We’re the same in so many ways, working towards the same goal – to live a life worth living, however we each may define that that means. Having our egos burned reminds us of our humanity and that we should never for a moment take for granted all the blessings in our lives. Don’t you agree?

The Lessons He Leaves Behind

Computer science professor and father of three, Randy Pausch, when diagnosed with an incurable pancreatic cancer, delivered his now famous “Last Lecture” at Carnegie Mellon University. His main points were:

• Always Have Fun
• Dream Big
• Ask for What You Want
• Dare to Take a Risk
• Look for the Best in Everybody
• Make Time for What Matters
• Let Kids Be Themselves

Like many others, I watched this Last Lecture – on You Tube. Some people saw him on The Oprah Winfrey Show. What he had to say was not rocket science and yet so often I think we forget to do some of the things on his list. I cried when I watched him speak – I cannot begin to understand what it is like to be facing death, knowing it’s coming and soon; knowing you won’t see your kids grow up, that you won’t grow into old age with your spouse by your side. It was heart-wrenching yet so very uplifting. I thought about his points.

• Always Have Fun – Is this really possible? Well, yes, most of the time. My family will tell you that I don’t let too many opportunities for jokes go by. Little witty comments fly out of my mouth before I even realize at times that they are ‘out there’. Then there are obvious fun times. Playing games with your kids, going on vacations, goofing off just because, laughing at television shows. But then there are times when a little light-heartedness will do us all some good. It can turn the mundane into something enjoyable; make a boring assignment easier to get through; make a long drive pass by a lot more quickly. If something isn’t fun and you don’t have to do it then don’t. Or find a way to make it fun. Smiles are much more satisfying than frowns or blank faces.
  
  
  
• Dream Big – I think we all did this as kids. My kids do it. My son talks of playing college sports and maybe professional sports. We let him dream – you can’t get there if you don’t dream big. Maybe he won’t get there. Maybe he will. Our job is to encourage the big dreams while making sure there’s a back up plan by ensuring academics are a focus, by fostering an interest in other things if that pro contract doesn’t pan out. My daughter wants to own her own store and be a cheerleader and a dancer and a mom. Possible? Sure. Easy? Not necessarily. I’m guessing her dreams may get bigger as she gets older. Dreams are good. They provide goals for us to reach. Sometimes we find ourselves right where we want to be somewhere in the middle of reaching for that dream. We shouldn’t stop dreaming as adults. If there are things we want to accomplish, places we want to go, then dream on and in the process work towards getting there.
  
  
• Ask for What You Want – This is a big one. So often I’ve said to my kids “ask for what you want, the worst that can happen is we’ll say no”. You certainly aren’t going to get what you want if you don’t ask. And even if you’re told ‘no’ at one point, you might get a ‘yes’ later. If you want that promotion, an new job opportunity/role, that cool new game, a date with the girl next door, to dance with the boy you’ve had a crush on since grade school – ask for it. Don’t settle. If you settle you may be sorry later, you may regret the opportunity that you missed. Ask for what you want, people can’t read your mind.
  
  
• Dare to Take a Risk – This can be hard. Putting yourself out there and trying something when you aren’t sure how it will turn out. Try out for the school play. Ask that girl to dance. Challenge yourself by moving outside of your comfort zone whether that is taking on greater responsibilities at work, forging into a brand new career, moving to a new city, traveling to far away lands, say ‘yes’ to new and exciting things when you know it’s safer to say ‘no’ or ‘maybe later’. There’s a lot of fun to be had out there when you dare to take a risk. A lot of opportunity to live life more fully.
  
  
• Look for the Best in Everybody – This is a hard one for me. When someone is rude to me or others I don’t look for the best, I hone in on the rudeness. When I’ve been let down or disappointed by someone or something I do not look at the situation with an optimistic or forgiving eye. This is something I need to work on. I do, though, look for the best in my kids and those that I love so it is possible. I need to find a way to extend that out to other groups with whom I associate or interact. We forgive those we love much more easily than those we barely know. It’s not such a giant leap to extend that out to the customer service rep on the phone who isn’t doing a very good job of helping you with your problem or to the neighbor who is not so warm and inviting on a given day. We all have our pluses and minuses and it’s easy to hone in on those negatives but when we focus on the good, the positive it makes us feel a whole lot better. Sometimes it takes being the bigger person, being able to say “I’m going to let that go” rather than dwell on it but in the end you’ll feel better that you did.
  
  
• Make Time for What Matters – Stop and smell the roses. What you want and what matters may not be the same thing sometimes. You may want to watch the big game on TV but your child wants to play catch or ride bikes with you. Recognize that one day he or she will be asking for the car keys to leave you and be with other people rather than wanting to find things to do with you. For me, family matters. Friends matter. Nature matters. Dogs matter. Health, fun, curiosity, laughter, education and travel all matter. Love matters. I try to find time for all of these and I often find I am experiencing many at the same time. Sometimes you can find time for what matters even when you think you can’t. You may need to be creative and flexible but you can make the time.
  
  
• Let Kids Be Themselves – We want our kids to grow up so fast then lament about how fast they are growing up. We track their every move. First step, first word, first solid foods, first haircut, first tooth. Baby books are filled with memories of these “accomplishments”. We try to micromanage who they are and how they should behave. We schedule them to the point where there is no time to just “be.” We often think that every moment has to be filled or we’re not doing our jobs as parents. I don’t think so. Kids need as much if not more downtime as we adults. When they are ten they are going to do and say ten-year-old things. We may not always like what those things are but they are, after all, just kids. We can coach them, usher them into adulthood by helping them mature and become more responsible with each passing year but let’s let them be kids while they can be. Let’s not box them into some ideal that we want them to be well before their time. They are supposed to be silly and immature and conflicted and happy, sad and everything in-between. It’s a great time in their lives, let’s not steal it from them.
  
  
  It’s not always easy to do the things that Randy suggests. It takes pulling from your values to get there: courage, optimism, self-sacrifice, love, compassion, responsibility, self-confidence, leadership and more. You’ve got to recognize what it takes to get there not just where you want to be. Your values are what will drive where you end up.
  
  What do these topics mean to you? What values do you think must be practiced to realize them?

How Do You Measure a Year in Your Life?

I took a long walk this past Saturday. It was a beautiful day - perfect for being outside - so I decided to get some exercise. I strapped on my iPod and set it to shuffle mode. I was just walking so all kinds of music worked (verus when I run and need 'upbeat' music). At one point in my walk the song Seasons of Love, from the Broadway musical Rent, began to play. The song poses the question: "How do you measure a year in the life?" then goes onto answer the question in a word: Love.

I really enjoyed the Broadway production of Rent when I saw it over a decade ago and also the movie when it came out. I also really like that song. It makes you think. I was thinking about all the different measures people use to define what makes them happy or makes them feel that their lives are valuable. Money seems to be one big way in which we seem to measure our success, one means of putting a value to our time here on Earth. There are other measures people use to assign value to their time - places visited, books read, meals shared with family and friends. These are all quantitative things. Things you can count so they make sense in that way. But love? Is love a measure of the value of a year in one's life? I say yes. Big time.

For me what makes things valuable are how they make you feel, not what they are. And love is the greatest feeling of all. To love and be loved is "it". When you love someone you truly want to make that other person happy. You want to do things for them. You want to protect them, ease their loads. It can cause you to become the most selfless of people wanting to do, to show that person how much you care, to make them feel good 'just because'. You want to experience everything you can with that person. You can't get enough.

There is another song, by Queen, that has a line that goes like this: "Just one year of love, is better than a lifetime alone." Think about that. Think about someone you love and how incredible and fantastic it makes you feel. Then think about never having that. Ever. If you have been fortunate enough to truly love someone then you will agree with that line. And the answer to the question from the Rent song. Love is a very powerful emotion. If you have brought joy, happiness, caring and love to another of felt it from another - for one year - than you have had a great year.

It is a true blessing to love and be loved. Much of what we do in our lives is driven by our love for others. Weekend youth sports events are packed with loving parents. Hospital rooms of those who are ill are crammed with loving friends and relatives. Countless couches are home to many a loving couple watching a movie on a Friday night. Many dogs and cats sleep peacefully on the laps of their loving owners. Cups of coffee are shared every day by old and dear friends who love one another. These experiences, which we can count if we wanted to, make up the years of our lives but what drives them? What makes them meaningful? It's the love that is shared or that is there with us, between us while we're doing all these things that we do every day.

So I say yes, love is how I measure a year in my life. How do you measure a year in yours?

What is Friendship to You?

Below is a recently published Value Minute® feature that I'd like to explore:

Friendship
In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis viewed Friendship as an often ignored form of love for the modern world. A friendship is different from an acquaintance. Friends stand side-by-side in common interests. Friendship is the least jealous form of love. It has roots in the need of companions for the hunt, for the care of the family and for conflict. Friends are bound together by shared experiences. In friendship, we choose our peers. He notes that friendship is unnecessary, has no survival value but, “is one of those things which gives value to survival.”
Do you have friends as defined by Lewis? If so, what impact do they have on you?

I do have friends that fit the definition that Lewis offers. And I agree completely with the way in which he defines friendship. I would say that I have many, many acquaintances with whom I enjoy spending time on occasion but whose company I do not seek out. These are people I interact with at my children's sports or extracurricular activities, at social gatherings, and at other locales. The interaction with these acquaintances is driven by shared experiences or common interest but it often doesn't go deeper than that coincidental intersection of our lives. Once our children, for example, are no longer playing on the same team we don't find ourselves continuing many of those relationships. They are not something that "grew roots", they were purely connections that occurred by chance. Our kids played on the same team. We shared that experience. Rooted for the same team. Cheered wins. Lamented losses. Talked about whatever came up and that was of common interest but it didn't really get beyond that one common connection, it didn't grow beneath the surface, if you will. That's not to say that these acquaintances, these experiences aren't nice or beneficial or enjoyable, they just aren't real friendships. They are passing, temporary, fleeting. Friendship is not. It remains. Even when you don't communicate with that friend for days, weeks maybe even years. It's something that you could fall right back into with no effort. I have friends from college who I haven't seen nor talked to in quite a while yet I still consider them friends. I still am very interested in what's going on with them, I am hopeful that their lives are going well that they are happy. I think about them, maybe not all the time but from time to time. Friendship is a form of love and if you truly have it then it doesn't ever die, like love. It may change, it may transform, it may look and feel different than it once did but, like love, it never goes away. That's what I believe anyway.

The friends I have today that I do get to see and spend time with and enjoy are great assets to my life. They challenge me to be forgiving sometimes when my tendency is to not do so. They make me laugh. They make me cry. They allow me to care a little more deeply or cause me to care more extensively. If you have a true friend you find yourself caring about what he/she cares about. They listen. They tell you the truth even when it's hard to do so. But they also do their best to protect you from hurt. They are there for you - if not physically then emotionally. You can count on them. There are no walls in real friendship - your friends take you as you are and you them. They want to help, they want to be a part of your life. It is not about obligation or expectation - it just is. To me it seems impossible to have a real friend and not love him/her. If love is forever, and I believe it is, then so is friendship. It does, indeed, give value to survival.

Are You Accountable? A Third Grade Lesson.

My 3rd grade daughter came home the other day bothered by the fact that she missed a portion of her recess because she had not completed her homework and had to first finish it before being permitted free time to play outside with her classmates. She had failed to alphabetize all of her spelling words, she had only put the first ten in ABC order. I think she was looking for sympathy from me but she didn't get any. I asked her several questions. Below are the questions and her answers.

Q:Why did you only do ten words?
A: Because I thought we only had to do that many.

Q: Why did you think that?
A: I am not sure. That's what I wrote down.

Q: So you misunderstood the assignment?
A: Yes.

Q: Well, what did you learn from that?
A: That I don't like missing recess.

I laughed at that last answer and stopped asking questions. I told her that she needed to be sure that she understood what her homework was and that she wrote it in her assignment book completely so as to avoid confusion/misunderstanding. She told me that she didn't do it on purpose which I said I understood but that it is her responsibility to make sure she knows what her homework is and if she is unsure to ask her teacher for clarification. I then went on to explain what it meant to be responsible and accountable. I had a great opportunity to use a simple example that she had experienced. She faltered in being accountable and there was a consequence that she didn't like. It was not a particularly painful experience for her, thankfully, but enough of a negative that hopefully she learned from it. I am certain she will be more diligent about understanding her assignments but I am hopeful the lesson she learned will help her be more responsible in other things too. Remembering to put her shoes in the closet would be a good place to start! I think the shoes of both of my children are going to start disappearing when they aren't put in the closet. Perhaps when they have no footwear to put on they will get it!

This little experience of my young daughter is a great lesson for us all - not just 3rd graders. It very simply illustrates a drawback of not being accountable. It's a rather inconsequential experience but it is not difficult to extrapolate out and see that the bigger the falter the bigger the consequence. I see, for example, people text-messaging while driving! "Holy cow" I say when I see this and try to get away from these drivers asap. These texting drivers are a menace on the roads. They are not being personally accountable - they are putting their well-being and that of others at risk doing this. Worst case scenario they cause an accident that takes a life. That's a serious consequence! I know that's a big jump from missing recess but the point I'm trying to make is that we need to be accountable in everything that we do because when we aren't there are consequences - sometimes minor, sometimes not even noticeable but sometimes they can be significant, even tragic.

If I think about the choices I make every day I try to think about what the consequences are or if there are any associated with them. If there are I consider whether that makes a difference. Clearly if the consequence is positive there isn't much to consider but if there are potentially negative consequences then it gives me pause. I may have to and often do reconsider my choices.

So, are you accountable in your everyday life? Do you recognize the potential consequences of the choices that you make? What difference would it make if accountability was a standard in your life?

Do you practice “truthiness”?

Comedy Central satirist Steven Colbert is credited with the word “truthiness.” He defined it as "truth that comes from the gut." That statement elicits many questions for me, the first being what does that mean? I am not sure what he means exactly although I do think the roots of "truthiness" have to lie in honesty. It's not something made up unless you're gut reactions are generally dishonest ones and I don't think most people's are. Plus, you can't tell a lie and call it truth or truthiness unless you didn't know it was a lie but who doesn't know when they are lying? Maybe it's an individualized truth - meaning that my truth or your truth or whoever's truth aren't necessarily the same. It's what feels like the truth for each of us.

Many people question what truth really means which brings us to the question as to whether the definition of truth is subject to debate? If I'm asked if I like a friend's new car and I really don't but I say "I like how roomy it is and the leather seats are very nice" it is an honest response but it doesn't answer the question. It's sort of a shade of the truth. So is that truthiness? And would some people say that I was being dishonest because I really don't like the new car which would be the outright, overall honest answer?

I do think that honesty is, for the most part, black and white. We teach our kids to tell the truth no matter what. That either something happened or it didn't. That cheating is not okay in any circumstance. But then there is so much that isn't black and white or seemingly and that is when we employ truthiness. When we don't like the black or white answer. The way things happen, for example, are subject to interpretation. The whys surrounding what happened can be many. Is it okay to copy a peer's homework? To be unfaithful to a spouse? To take a pack of post-it notes from the office supply cabinet? To tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings? To convey a made up schedule conflict as an excuse to not a attend a party? With all of these examples (as well as many others) I think many of us could convince ourselves that there are reasons or caveats that would make all of these things acceptable or okay. That these dishonest practices or acts are less so depending on many factors? Is that truthiness then? When there's more to be considered that just what the 100% honest answer is?

It can be complicated. One wouldn't think so but it is. Sometimes the gray makes it so. When we don't want to hurt feelings. When circumstances surrounding something are not 'normal'. When the people involved are loved ones you don't want to see hurt. Is there really a difference between the truth and what Colbert calls truthiness? Isn't most of what our gut reactions are based on what is right, what is just, what is honest? If that's the case then I do practice truthiness. But is that the same as always speaking the truth? I'm not sure. What about you? Do you practice truthiness? How close to the truth do you think that is? Do you think your answer means that you are an honest person? How important is that to you?

What Impacts Your Values? How Do You Choose What to Practice?

When you must put your values into practice, what influences you most? I think about this a lot as a mom. I wonder what influences are going to play a role in the choices that my children make. Aside from what we, as parents, teach our children either verbally by praising positive practices or pointing out shortfalls or being role models for them to follow, where are they going to get further reinforcement of what we're trying to impart? There are so many other influences on their lives: other family members, friends, superiors like teachers and coaches, people in our community and the media, oh the media.

For me I can regularly see in the way I move about my life the impact that my parents and all those who surrounded me growing up had on my values. The way in which I express or don't express myself goes back to my childhood and what I learned about being a good person. Of course I had positive and negative experiences with just about every group that had any sort of influence on me but by and large they were positive and those that were not I think I recognized as such and learned from them in terms of thinking that was not how I wanted to be. The media didn't have as big a grip on my life as it does on today's kids. We didn't log the kind of hours they do in front of the television, computer or video games. Those three things do worry me. We have to be diligent about what our kids are watching and doing with these media and how long they spend doing it. It is important from a mental and physical health perspective. Still, though, I see the human interactions as the ones that make the most difference. At least I think so. What we learn from the people that we interact with is what we can connect with the most and are most likely to emulate or reject.

So, how do I choose what values to practice? Well, fortunately, I think often times the choice comes naturally. When something positive occurs to me I want to reciprocate in kind. Also, I'm all about optimizing happiness and quality in my life. It is not to my or my family's benefit to be ungracious, rude, selfish, dishonest, unkind, unfair or any other "un" word that can do harm. So, I choose (most of the time, if I'm being honest) to take the road that supports that goal of living a happy, quality life. I falter at times. My impatience gets the best of me or my lack of sleep shows a little too much sometimes in my attitude but that's when I have to try a little harder to do better the next time and make any amends if my faltering has affected others in a negative way. I think about the person I want to be and try to be that. It's not always easy but it is rewarding.

What impacts your values? How do you choose what values you practice?

Olympic Values

I love the summer Olympics. Aside from watching some of my favorite sports there is so much more that you get out of it. There are stories – great stories – some won’t come out until afterwards. There are always the tales of great victories and heartbreaking losses but there are usually many more poignant stories to be heard. They may be of new, unexpected friendships being formed between athletes from competing nations, or the path an athlete took to get to the games, overcoming great odds in doing so. Many of the stories will be things that happened outside of the field of competition – stories of the people who are the athletes, perhaps of human kindness. I will look forward to reading or hearing about those stories in the days and weeks to come but so far I’ve just enjoyed watching the competitions. Honestly, I’ve been awed by much of it and in surprising ways.

Last night I was watching gymnastics and swimming. These athletes – all of them – are just incredible examples of what can be achieved when you work hard, when you put your all into your sport. They have trained for years to get to this point and I can’t help but smile when I see the joy on their faces when they realize they have won a medal. I can almost feel their pride as they stand on the podium. Their determination and perseverance is inspiring. I’m excited for them. I’m impressed by them - by their ability, by their skill, by their seeming flawlessness, at times, in the execution of what, to me, are impossible feats.

But here is what I am also impressed with – their gracious behavior in both winning and losing, their ability to hold it together when nothing is going their way, their sportsmanship, their respect for the competition, for their competitors, for the games themselves. I listened to crowds cheering as loudly for one country as another – clearly many were cheering for the achievements of the athletes not so much for a given country. I find myself excited for whomever wins – how can you not be? Seeing that sheer happiness on their faces is infectious.

I think, however, that the most impressive thing of all is seeing what everyone has in common, what brings them together. In that swimming pool, on that balance beam, court or track everyone is the same in so many ways. We’re watching people from all over the world strive for the same thing. We’re watching people from all over the world hug each other – sharing happiness, empathy, compassion, kindness, joy, and sadness. The color of their skin, their religious background, their politics, their culture, traditions, language – none of that seems to matter. They are all human beings who have gotten to the same place by practicing, by and large, many of the same values. They are showing themselves to be a lot more alike one another than different.

Of course, we all know that on a larger scale there are many differences. All is not right in the world. We do not all agree in concept or in reality with the policies, politics, traditions, beliefs or religions of others – even within our own countries much less those of other nations. We do not all get along. I wish we could take just a little of the magic that comes with the Olympics, whatever it is that brings us all together for that short period of time, that has us cheering for everyone, and sprinkle that around the world. Just think of the difference that could make.

So I’m enjoying these Olympic Games. They are showing me how very extraordinary humans can be – both in and out of competition. There’s a lot we can learn from watching them. I hope our leaders are taking notes.

Dishonesty in the Lunch Line

I read in the newspaper yesterday that in the county where I live - Fairfax County, VA - several middle/high schools are installing video cameras in the lunch line areas of cafeterias to deter theft. Apparently at least $1.2 million dollars in losses is attributed to this type of theft. That's a lot of money, especially with the budget cuts that were made this year. So, the solution? Big Brother.

I am not one who worries too much about being videotaped. I know it really bothers many people - our civil liberties and all - and I do agree with them but I don't, at this point in my life, feel all that bothered by it. I know I am being taped as I go in and out of retail establishments, in parking garages, airports, etc. This is all supposed to be for our security, our safety. Let's just say that I'll buy that at this point. My son's school already has video cameras mounted to monitor the comings and goings of students, again, for their protection. I think Columbine is the reason schools made a lot of those kind of security changes. But we're talking about the lunch line. Kids are apparently pocketing sandwiches, wraps, fruit, even french fries. The crowds of students so large and the lunch breaks so short that the workers can't be expected to catch all the petty theft going on. Even teachers who are offered free lunches to be monitors miss much of it and it is costing the school system enough money that an investment in video cameras is being made to deter the thieves, many, who the article noted, come from high income families - this is not just an issue of the have nots trying to find a way to get a meal.

This is bothering me. It bothers me that mostly students (the article noted that some theft may be attributed to some of the employees) are stealing food. Food their families can afford to purchase. And those kids who can't afford it get redcued cost or free lunches so why the theft? Does doing something "bad" provide some sort of adrenaline rush? Are they on some sort of lunch budget set by their parents and their hunger level exceeds that budgeted amount? Are they just trying to see if they can get away with it - like a self-imposed dare? Or do they just not consider it "wrong enough" to abstain from doing it? Whatever the reason, it's disturbing. We've read a lot about the brains of kids under 21 not being fully mature, about how their decision-making capacity is not completely "wired" resulting in poor choices. Is that to blame? I have trouble with that too because we teach our children right and wrong from the beginning. And the big stuff - lying, cheating, stealing - gets reinforced along the way at school, at church, in the news, etc. So, as I said, it's troubling. What's next for theses kids? Pocketing a box of paperclips or a candy bar at the local Target? Filling up their gas tank and driving off without paying? Studies show that one act of this sort can and often does lead to another so while I'm bothered by the idea that video cameras have to be installed to deter this cafeteria line theft, if it works then I guess it may be preventing future dishonest acts and will help instill the "right" in those inclined to do wrong.

I just wish it was as easy as saying "hey, stop the stealing, it's dishonest, it's wrong" but it seems to me these days that too many people are finding the grey in what to me are black and white issues. Stealing is wrong. Period. Now, I do embrace the "grey" in many areas of my life - everything isn't black and white to me but stealing is.

How about you? Where do you stand on theft? Is it ever okay? Is it ever justified? I can think of cases where I'd feel sympathetic to the thief but I can't think of any case where I'd say it's okay. It's just plain wrong. And it's disturbing that this seems to be a trend with our youth at schools. What do you think can be done, aside from installing cameras, to help fix this problem?

Are you grateful? For what?

I am about to leave for the beach later this afternoon. Every year my family - my parents, siblings and their families and our family - go to Emerald Isle, NC for a week. I guess we've been going to the same oceanfront house now for 7 years. It's a lot of fun. I feel very fortunate to have such generous parents who rent the house that provides for such nice family time together. My daughter wasn't even a year old the first time we went, now she is almost 8. A lot has changed over the years. Packing is certainly easier now - no diapers, water wings, formula, fifty million sand toys. One thing that hasn't changed is that it is always a great time together - whether the house was filled to the brim because everyone was there or it was a smaller crowd because some folks couldn't make it one year.

As I sit here procrastinating, needing to shower and pack up the final few things that didn't get done last night I am feeling quite grateful. Grateful for my family; for the fact that we are able to take this vacation during such difficult economic times; for kind neighbors who will keep an eye on our house while we're away and water our flowers on the deck so they will survive the 90 degree week that's expected; for the sun and the sand and the ocean - our natural playground for the next week; for the memories that will again be created by being together with loved ones.

There is a lot to not be grateful for these days - the economy, the price of gas, the record number of foreclosures, budget cuts at schools, the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan, to name a few. It is easy to get down, to dwell on all that's going awry in the world as a whole or in your little slice of the world. I'm not so grateful that my house trim is in dire need of painting and that a very large tree in my backyard has died and needs to be taken down. We all have little or big things that are not so going so well in our lives but I bet that if you try you can think about many, many things that are pretty great. I find that when I dwell on those great things - no matter how big or how small - I feel better. I feel grateful.

Are you grateful? For what?