Below is a recently published Value Minute® feature that I'd like to explore:
Friendship
In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis viewed Friendship as an often ignored form of love for the modern world. A friendship is different from an acquaintance. Friends stand side-by-side in common interests. Friendship is the least jealous form of love. It has roots in the need of companions for the hunt, for the care of the family and for conflict. Friends are bound together by shared experiences. In friendship, we choose our peers. He notes that friendship is unnecessary, has no survival value but, “is one of those things which gives value to survival.”
Do you have friends as defined by Lewis? If so, what impact do they have on you?
I do have friends that fit the definition that Lewis offers. And I agree completely with the way in which he defines friendship. I would say that I have many, many acquaintances with whom I enjoy spending time on occasion but whose company I do not seek out. These are people I interact with at my children's sports or extracurricular activities, at social gatherings, and at other locales. The interaction with these acquaintances is driven by shared experiences or common interest but it often doesn't go deeper than that coincidental intersection of our lives. Once our children, for example, are no longer playing on the same team we don't find ourselves continuing many of those relationships. They are not something that "grew roots", they were purely connections that occurred by chance. Our kids played on the same team. We shared that experience. Rooted for the same team. Cheered wins. Lamented losses. Talked about whatever came up and that was of common interest but it didn't really get beyond that one common connection, it didn't grow beneath the surface, if you will. That's not to say that these acquaintances, these experiences aren't nice or beneficial or enjoyable, they just aren't real friendships. They are passing, temporary, fleeting. Friendship is not. It remains. Even when you don't communicate with that friend for days, weeks maybe even years. It's something that you could fall right back into with no effort. I have friends from college who I haven't seen nor talked to in quite a while yet I still consider them friends. I still am very interested in what's going on with them, I am hopeful that their lives are going well that they are happy. I think about them, maybe not all the time but from time to time. Friendship is a form of love and if you truly have it then it doesn't ever die, like love. It may change, it may transform, it may look and feel different than it once did but, like love, it never goes away. That's what I believe anyway.
The friends I have today that I do get to see and spend time with and enjoy are great assets to my life. They challenge me to be forgiving sometimes when my tendency is to not do so. They make me laugh. They make me cry. They allow me to care a little more deeply or cause me to care more extensively. If you have a true friend you find yourself caring about what he/she cares about. They listen. They tell you the truth even when it's hard to do so. But they also do their best to protect you from hurt. They are there for you - if not physically then emotionally. You can count on them. There are no walls in real friendship - your friends take you as you are and you them. They want to help, they want to be a part of your life. It is not about obligation or expectation - it just is. To me it seems impossible to have a real friend and not love him/her. If love is forever, and I believe it is, then so is friendship. It does, indeed, give value to survival.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Are You Accountable? A Third Grade Lesson.
My 3rd grade daughter came home the other day bothered by the fact that she missed a portion of her recess because she had not completed her homework and had to first finish it before being permitted free time to play outside with her classmates. She had failed to alphabetize all of her spelling words, she had only put the first ten in ABC order. I think she was looking for sympathy from me but she didn't get any. I asked her several questions. Below are the questions and her answers.
Q:Why did you only do ten words?
A: Because I thought we only had to do that many.
Q: Why did you think that?
A: I am not sure. That's what I wrote down.
Q: So you misunderstood the assignment?
A: Yes.
Q: Well, what did you learn from that?
A: That I don't like missing recess.
I laughed at that last answer and stopped asking questions. I told her that she needed to be sure that she understood what her homework was and that she wrote it in her assignment book completely so as to avoid confusion/misunderstanding. She told me that she didn't do it on purpose which I said I understood but that it is her responsibility to make sure she knows what her homework is and if she is unsure to ask her teacher for clarification. I then went on to explain what it meant to be responsible and accountable. I had a great opportunity to use a simple example that she had experienced. She faltered in being accountable and there was a consequence that she didn't like. It was not a particularly painful experience for her, thankfully, but enough of a negative that hopefully she learned from it. I am certain she will be more diligent about understanding her assignments but I am hopeful the lesson she learned will help her be more responsible in other things too. Remembering to put her shoes in the closet would be a good place to start! I think the shoes of both of my children are going to start disappearing when they aren't put in the closet. Perhaps when they have no footwear to put on they will get it!
This little experience of my young daughter is a great lesson for us all - not just 3rd graders. It very simply illustrates a drawback of not being accountable. It's a rather inconsequential experience but it is not difficult to extrapolate out and see that the bigger the falter the bigger the consequence. I see, for example, people text-messaging while driving! "Holy cow" I say when I see this and try to get away from these drivers asap. These texting drivers are a menace on the roads. They are not being personally accountable - they are putting their well-being and that of others at risk doing this. Worst case scenario they cause an accident that takes a life. That's a serious consequence! I know that's a big jump from missing recess but the point I'm trying to make is that we need to be accountable in everything that we do because when we aren't there are consequences - sometimes minor, sometimes not even noticeable but sometimes they can be significant, even tragic.
If I think about the choices I make every day I try to think about what the consequences are or if there are any associated with them. If there are I consider whether that makes a difference. Clearly if the consequence is positive there isn't much to consider but if there are potentially negative consequences then it gives me pause. I may have to and often do reconsider my choices.
So, are you accountable in your everyday life? Do you recognize the potential consequences of the choices that you make? What difference would it make if accountability was a standard in your life?
Q:Why did you only do ten words?
A: Because I thought we only had to do that many.
Q: Why did you think that?
A: I am not sure. That's what I wrote down.
Q: So you misunderstood the assignment?
A: Yes.
Q: Well, what did you learn from that?
A: That I don't like missing recess.
I laughed at that last answer and stopped asking questions. I told her that she needed to be sure that she understood what her homework was and that she wrote it in her assignment book completely so as to avoid confusion/misunderstanding. She told me that she didn't do it on purpose which I said I understood but that it is her responsibility to make sure she knows what her homework is and if she is unsure to ask her teacher for clarification. I then went on to explain what it meant to be responsible and accountable. I had a great opportunity to use a simple example that she had experienced. She faltered in being accountable and there was a consequence that she didn't like. It was not a particularly painful experience for her, thankfully, but enough of a negative that hopefully she learned from it. I am certain she will be more diligent about understanding her assignments but I am hopeful the lesson she learned will help her be more responsible in other things too. Remembering to put her shoes in the closet would be a good place to start! I think the shoes of both of my children are going to start disappearing when they aren't put in the closet. Perhaps when they have no footwear to put on they will get it!
This little experience of my young daughter is a great lesson for us all - not just 3rd graders. It very simply illustrates a drawback of not being accountable. It's a rather inconsequential experience but it is not difficult to extrapolate out and see that the bigger the falter the bigger the consequence. I see, for example, people text-messaging while driving! "Holy cow" I say when I see this and try to get away from these drivers asap. These texting drivers are a menace on the roads. They are not being personally accountable - they are putting their well-being and that of others at risk doing this. Worst case scenario they cause an accident that takes a life. That's a serious consequence! I know that's a big jump from missing recess but the point I'm trying to make is that we need to be accountable in everything that we do because when we aren't there are consequences - sometimes minor, sometimes not even noticeable but sometimes they can be significant, even tragic.
If I think about the choices I make every day I try to think about what the consequences are or if there are any associated with them. If there are I consider whether that makes a difference. Clearly if the consequence is positive there isn't much to consider but if there are potentially negative consequences then it gives me pause. I may have to and often do reconsider my choices.
So, are you accountable in your everyday life? Do you recognize the potential consequences of the choices that you make? What difference would it make if accountability was a standard in your life?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Do you practice “truthiness”?
Comedy Central satirist Steven Colbert is credited with the word “truthiness.” He defined it as "truth that comes from the gut." That statement elicits many questions for me, the first being what does that mean? I am not sure what he means exactly although I do think the roots of "truthiness" have to lie in honesty. It's not something made up unless you're gut reactions are generally dishonest ones and I don't think most people's are. Plus, you can't tell a lie and call it truth or truthiness unless you didn't know it was a lie but who doesn't know when they are lying? Maybe it's an individualized truth - meaning that my truth or your truth or whoever's truth aren't necessarily the same. It's what feels like the truth for each of us.
Many people question what truth really means which brings us to the question as to whether the definition of truth is subject to debate? If I'm asked if I like a friend's new car and I really don't but I say "I like how roomy it is and the leather seats are very nice" it is an honest response but it doesn't answer the question. It's sort of a shade of the truth. So is that truthiness? And would some people say that I was being dishonest because I really don't like the new car which would be the outright, overall honest answer?
I do think that honesty is, for the most part, black and white. We teach our kids to tell the truth no matter what. That either something happened or it didn't. That cheating is not okay in any circumstance. But then there is so much that isn't black and white or seemingly and that is when we employ truthiness. When we don't like the black or white answer. The way things happen, for example, are subject to interpretation. The whys surrounding what happened can be many. Is it okay to copy a peer's homework? To be unfaithful to a spouse? To take a pack of post-it notes from the office supply cabinet? To tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings? To convey a made up schedule conflict as an excuse to not a attend a party? With all of these examples (as well as many others) I think many of us could convince ourselves that there are reasons or caveats that would make all of these things acceptable or okay. That these dishonest practices or acts are less so depending on many factors? Is that truthiness then? When there's more to be considered that just what the 100% honest answer is?
It can be complicated. One wouldn't think so but it is. Sometimes the gray makes it so. When we don't want to hurt feelings. When circumstances surrounding something are not 'normal'. When the people involved are loved ones you don't want to see hurt. Is there really a difference between the truth and what Colbert calls truthiness? Isn't most of what our gut reactions are based on what is right, what is just, what is honest? If that's the case then I do practice truthiness. But is that the same as always speaking the truth? I'm not sure. What about you? Do you practice truthiness? How close to the truth do you think that is? Do you think your answer means that you are an honest person? How important is that to you?
Many people question what truth really means which brings us to the question as to whether the definition of truth is subject to debate? If I'm asked if I like a friend's new car and I really don't but I say "I like how roomy it is and the leather seats are very nice" it is an honest response but it doesn't answer the question. It's sort of a shade of the truth. So is that truthiness? And would some people say that I was being dishonest because I really don't like the new car which would be the outright, overall honest answer?
I do think that honesty is, for the most part, black and white. We teach our kids to tell the truth no matter what. That either something happened or it didn't. That cheating is not okay in any circumstance. But then there is so much that isn't black and white or seemingly and that is when we employ truthiness. When we don't like the black or white answer. The way things happen, for example, are subject to interpretation. The whys surrounding what happened can be many. Is it okay to copy a peer's homework? To be unfaithful to a spouse? To take a pack of post-it notes from the office supply cabinet? To tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings? To convey a made up schedule conflict as an excuse to not a attend a party? With all of these examples (as well as many others) I think many of us could convince ourselves that there are reasons or caveats that would make all of these things acceptable or okay. That these dishonest practices or acts are less so depending on many factors? Is that truthiness then? When there's more to be considered that just what the 100% honest answer is?
It can be complicated. One wouldn't think so but it is. Sometimes the gray makes it so. When we don't want to hurt feelings. When circumstances surrounding something are not 'normal'. When the people involved are loved ones you don't want to see hurt. Is there really a difference between the truth and what Colbert calls truthiness? Isn't most of what our gut reactions are based on what is right, what is just, what is honest? If that's the case then I do practice truthiness. But is that the same as always speaking the truth? I'm not sure. What about you? Do you practice truthiness? How close to the truth do you think that is? Do you think your answer means that you are an honest person? How important is that to you?
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