Learning From Our Mistakes

Patrick Dempsey, widely known as “McDreamy” on the television drama Grey’s Anatomy, said in an interview with Jeanne Wolf: “The more you can allow yourself to make mistakes, the better off you’re going to be. That’s what life is about. It’s good to have your ego burned.”

I am completely in agreement with Patrick on this one. It takes a certain amount of failing, of “having your ego burned” to allow you to develop the humility and perseverance that life often requires. It also provides the opportunity to learn a great deal about yourself. It would be very easy to become complacent if everything in life came too easily. People would begin to feel entitled to the good that comes their way, they would come to expect to get whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. And when you get to that point you can find yourself facing some tough consequences. How do you develop an appreciation and understanding of what it means to work hard and the rewards, monetary and otherwise, that can come from that? What skills are you developing to handle the adversity that may come your way as you move through life? Everyone needs to get knocked down a peg or two from time to time lest we all get a little too big for our britches. It’s very simplistic to say that our economy is faltering (to put it mildly) because of many folks who became too big for their britches. If you walk through life with rose-colored glasses on all the time eventually it will catch up with you and not in a good way.

The young athlete who is always the all-star would benefit from being struck out or shown up on the court every now and again. This will help keep him/her grounded. Even if you’re the best at something, there is always someone there eager to knock you off your perch. Getting shown up once or twice is a good reminder that you need to continue work hard, that you can never assume that position at the top will always be yours.

The straight-A student who rarely cracks a book would greatly benefit from an average test grade. To be able to understand what it’s like to be ‘less than perfect’ is a reality-check that many need. Knowing how it feels to get back a “C” paper, knowing that you can have a bad day too sometimes provides that dose of reality that will keep you from assuming everything will always be easy for you, that you can’t always count on that A, you have to work for it.

When you make mistakes there is a tremendous opportunity to learn. For one, you learn what to avoid in order to not repeat the same mistake again. You also discover something about yourself. Maybe you realize a vulnerability that you didn’t know was there before. Maybe you had to work hard to overcome whatever that failure was proving to yourself how tough you really can be; or perhaps you had to go back to the drawing board and think things through a different way challenging your creativity or your intellect. You sometimes discover what’s most important to you through mistakes and what not to sweat. Out of mistakes comes the chance to grow, to improve, to learn. You might discover how much someone means to you or what you really want to be doing with your life or that you are stronger than you ever thought you were.

I think we all believe that cruising through life with no metaphoric traffic jams would be just great. But life is all about experiencing – learning, growing, loving, feeling, seeing, doing. It’s impossible to not trip along the way from time to time but from those missteps we learn how we are all alike in this world in one big way and that is that we’re human. We’re the same in so many ways, working towards the same goal – to live a life worth living, however we each may define that that means. Having our egos burned reminds us of our humanity and that we should never for a moment take for granted all the blessings in our lives. Don’t you agree?

The Lessons He Leaves Behind

Computer science professor and father of three, Randy Pausch, when diagnosed with an incurable pancreatic cancer, delivered his now famous “Last Lecture” at Carnegie Mellon University. His main points were:

• Always Have Fun
• Dream Big
• Ask for What You Want
• Dare to Take a Risk
• Look for the Best in Everybody
• Make Time for What Matters
• Let Kids Be Themselves

Like many others, I watched this Last Lecture – on You Tube. Some people saw him on The Oprah Winfrey Show. What he had to say was not rocket science and yet so often I think we forget to do some of the things on his list. I cried when I watched him speak – I cannot begin to understand what it is like to be facing death, knowing it’s coming and soon; knowing you won’t see your kids grow up, that you won’t grow into old age with your spouse by your side. It was heart-wrenching yet so very uplifting. I thought about his points.

• Always Have Fun – Is this really possible? Well, yes, most of the time. My family will tell you that I don’t let too many opportunities for jokes go by. Little witty comments fly out of my mouth before I even realize at times that they are ‘out there’. Then there are obvious fun times. Playing games with your kids, going on vacations, goofing off just because, laughing at television shows. But then there are times when a little light-heartedness will do us all some good. It can turn the mundane into something enjoyable; make a boring assignment easier to get through; make a long drive pass by a lot more quickly. If something isn’t fun and you don’t have to do it then don’t. Or find a way to make it fun. Smiles are much more satisfying than frowns or blank faces.
  
  
  
• Dream Big – I think we all did this as kids. My kids do it. My son talks of playing college sports and maybe professional sports. We let him dream – you can’t get there if you don’t dream big. Maybe he won’t get there. Maybe he will. Our job is to encourage the big dreams while making sure there’s a back up plan by ensuring academics are a focus, by fostering an interest in other things if that pro contract doesn’t pan out. My daughter wants to own her own store and be a cheerleader and a dancer and a mom. Possible? Sure. Easy? Not necessarily. I’m guessing her dreams may get bigger as she gets older. Dreams are good. They provide goals for us to reach. Sometimes we find ourselves right where we want to be somewhere in the middle of reaching for that dream. We shouldn’t stop dreaming as adults. If there are things we want to accomplish, places we want to go, then dream on and in the process work towards getting there.
  
  
• Ask for What You Want – This is a big one. So often I’ve said to my kids “ask for what you want, the worst that can happen is we’ll say no”. You certainly aren’t going to get what you want if you don’t ask. And even if you’re told ‘no’ at one point, you might get a ‘yes’ later. If you want that promotion, an new job opportunity/role, that cool new game, a date with the girl next door, to dance with the boy you’ve had a crush on since grade school – ask for it. Don’t settle. If you settle you may be sorry later, you may regret the opportunity that you missed. Ask for what you want, people can’t read your mind.
  
  
• Dare to Take a Risk – This can be hard. Putting yourself out there and trying something when you aren’t sure how it will turn out. Try out for the school play. Ask that girl to dance. Challenge yourself by moving outside of your comfort zone whether that is taking on greater responsibilities at work, forging into a brand new career, moving to a new city, traveling to far away lands, say ‘yes’ to new and exciting things when you know it’s safer to say ‘no’ or ‘maybe later’. There’s a lot of fun to be had out there when you dare to take a risk. A lot of opportunity to live life more fully.
  
  
• Look for the Best in Everybody – This is a hard one for me. When someone is rude to me or others I don’t look for the best, I hone in on the rudeness. When I’ve been let down or disappointed by someone or something I do not look at the situation with an optimistic or forgiving eye. This is something I need to work on. I do, though, look for the best in my kids and those that I love so it is possible. I need to find a way to extend that out to other groups with whom I associate or interact. We forgive those we love much more easily than those we barely know. It’s not such a giant leap to extend that out to the customer service rep on the phone who isn’t doing a very good job of helping you with your problem or to the neighbor who is not so warm and inviting on a given day. We all have our pluses and minuses and it’s easy to hone in on those negatives but when we focus on the good, the positive it makes us feel a whole lot better. Sometimes it takes being the bigger person, being able to say “I’m going to let that go” rather than dwell on it but in the end you’ll feel better that you did.
  
  
• Make Time for What Matters – Stop and smell the roses. What you want and what matters may not be the same thing sometimes. You may want to watch the big game on TV but your child wants to play catch or ride bikes with you. Recognize that one day he or she will be asking for the car keys to leave you and be with other people rather than wanting to find things to do with you. For me, family matters. Friends matter. Nature matters. Dogs matter. Health, fun, curiosity, laughter, education and travel all matter. Love matters. I try to find time for all of these and I often find I am experiencing many at the same time. Sometimes you can find time for what matters even when you think you can’t. You may need to be creative and flexible but you can make the time.
  
  
• Let Kids Be Themselves – We want our kids to grow up so fast then lament about how fast they are growing up. We track their every move. First step, first word, first solid foods, first haircut, first tooth. Baby books are filled with memories of these “accomplishments”. We try to micromanage who they are and how they should behave. We schedule them to the point where there is no time to just “be.” We often think that every moment has to be filled or we’re not doing our jobs as parents. I don’t think so. Kids need as much if not more downtime as we adults. When they are ten they are going to do and say ten-year-old things. We may not always like what those things are but they are, after all, just kids. We can coach them, usher them into adulthood by helping them mature and become more responsible with each passing year but let’s let them be kids while they can be. Let’s not box them into some ideal that we want them to be well before their time. They are supposed to be silly and immature and conflicted and happy, sad and everything in-between. It’s a great time in their lives, let’s not steal it from them.
  
  
  It’s not always easy to do the things that Randy suggests. It takes pulling from your values to get there: courage, optimism, self-sacrifice, love, compassion, responsibility, self-confidence, leadership and more. You’ve got to recognize what it takes to get there not just where you want to be. Your values are what will drive where you end up.
  
  What do these topics mean to you? What values do you think must be practiced to realize them?

How Do You Measure a Year in Your Life?

I took a long walk this past Saturday. It was a beautiful day - perfect for being outside - so I decided to get some exercise. I strapped on my iPod and set it to shuffle mode. I was just walking so all kinds of music worked (verus when I run and need 'upbeat' music). At one point in my walk the song Seasons of Love, from the Broadway musical Rent, began to play. The song poses the question: "How do you measure a year in the life?" then goes onto answer the question in a word: Love.

I really enjoyed the Broadway production of Rent when I saw it over a decade ago and also the movie when it came out. I also really like that song. It makes you think. I was thinking about all the different measures people use to define what makes them happy or makes them feel that their lives are valuable. Money seems to be one big way in which we seem to measure our success, one means of putting a value to our time here on Earth. There are other measures people use to assign value to their time - places visited, books read, meals shared with family and friends. These are all quantitative things. Things you can count so they make sense in that way. But love? Is love a measure of the value of a year in one's life? I say yes. Big time.

For me what makes things valuable are how they make you feel, not what they are. And love is the greatest feeling of all. To love and be loved is "it". When you love someone you truly want to make that other person happy. You want to do things for them. You want to protect them, ease their loads. It can cause you to become the most selfless of people wanting to do, to show that person how much you care, to make them feel good 'just because'. You want to experience everything you can with that person. You can't get enough.

There is another song, by Queen, that has a line that goes like this: "Just one year of love, is better than a lifetime alone." Think about that. Think about someone you love and how incredible and fantastic it makes you feel. Then think about never having that. Ever. If you have been fortunate enough to truly love someone then you will agree with that line. And the answer to the question from the Rent song. Love is a very powerful emotion. If you have brought joy, happiness, caring and love to another of felt it from another - for one year - than you have had a great year.

It is a true blessing to love and be loved. Much of what we do in our lives is driven by our love for others. Weekend youth sports events are packed with loving parents. Hospital rooms of those who are ill are crammed with loving friends and relatives. Countless couches are home to many a loving couple watching a movie on a Friday night. Many dogs and cats sleep peacefully on the laps of their loving owners. Cups of coffee are shared every day by old and dear friends who love one another. These experiences, which we can count if we wanted to, make up the years of our lives but what drives them? What makes them meaningful? It's the love that is shared or that is there with us, between us while we're doing all these things that we do every day.

So I say yes, love is how I measure a year in my life. How do you measure a year in yours?