Nick Fallin, who plays the Guardian in the TV series with the same name, is a different kind of hero. A corporate attorney busted for using drugs, he is forced to put in 1,500 hours of community service as a children’s advocate with Legal Services of Pittsburgh. ... He shows up and works hard for the children he represents, learning in the process what he really values in life—relationships, personal responsibility, and justice for society’s weakest citizens.
Sometimes when we find ourselves in unexpected situations we are shaken into understanding what we really value in life. We have these “Aha” moments and wonder why we never realized it before. We are all so busy being and doing that we don’t often take moments to feel, to think, to get to the heart of what really matters to us in life. Sometimes it takes losing something or someone important to jolt us into seeing the real meaningful stuff of our lives. I recently lost my dog and I valued her tremendously. Fortunately it didn’t take losing her for me to realize that, I knew it all along. I feel good that she led a good, quality, happy life with a family who loved her. I am sure this ache in my chest will subside and I’ll smile instead of cry when I think of her, right? It did seem, though, like a good time to reflect on what I really value in life.
Like Nick Fallin, I value relationships – those with my family, my pets, my friends and many acquaintances. These relationships have added a tremendous value to my life - they have given me the opportunity to love, to feel loved and so, so much more. I value peace – times without conflict, without unnecessary noise, without stress or tension. I value work – doing something, anything, to make things better – for myself, for others – is incredibly satisfying whether the results of that work can be seen from the outside or if only I know it on the inside. I value justice and common sense - I’d like to see these two things practiced in tandem more often at times. I value freedom – big freedoms like we have in the United States and that are outlined in our Constitution and little or less talked about, maybe, freedoms – the choices and independence we have in our daily lives. Tea or coffee? Buy or rent? Big dog or little dog? Read a book or watch TV? Baseball or soccer or neither? Treadmill or stairmaster? I value that I have choices and the independence to make those choices. They enhance my living. I guess that’s really what I value – anything that enhances my truly living, feeling and enjoying life.
What do you really value in life?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Good for Goodness Sake
The American Humanist Association paid for ads in buses with the message, “Why believe in God? Just be good for goodness’ sake.” An Association representative stated, “Moral values come with being civilized and need not come from God.”
I remember reading about those ads in The Washington Post when they came out. There were some comments about how the ads were anti-religious but that is not how I saw it. I didn’t know there was such a thing as the American Humanist Society but I am in agreement with their “Just be good for goodness sake.” advice. In my opinion it is good advice no matter what your religion, whether you even follow a religion or are unsure as to what you believe or are a non-believer. I also agree that having moral values need not come from God or any particular religion. People can have a sound set of moral values in the absence of religion – I believe that anyway. That being said I do think people need to have the positive values they practice reinforced by some means.
There are many influences in our lives that play a role in the type of people we are. The way our values systems have been fed and cared for and the examples we’ve been exposed help determine whether we are honest or liars, kind or mean-spirited, grateful or unappreciative. What we learn in church or through religious teachings can influence us in a positive way and I’m all for anything that reinforces the practice of positive values. To be a good person, however, I don’t believe you have to follow a specific religion or believe in God; you don’t have to have parents who are constantly exhibiting the practice of positive values; you don’t have to live in a supportive community where people interact politely and do things for one another. Of course all of that would be helpful even if not absolutely required. You do, however, have to have some concept of why practicing your values in a positive way is a good thing. Having people set good examples for you helps; having parents and educators who reinforce the practice of these positive values helps; hearing stories from the Bible or other religious texts or sermons that extol the practice of positive values helps.
I think being civilized does bring with it an inherent decency but that “good” has to be fed and cared for. Some people can just be good for goodness sake. They can see the benefits of it. Others need or may want affirmation from many areas of their life to keep them on track – family, friends, community, work, school and church are all areas in our lives that can give a boost to our “goodness”. So while I agree with the American Humanist Association I also think that whatever works for people, that whatever drives them or helps them to be a good person, to be a person of integrity would be a good investment of their time or energy. If God or religion does that for them, then by all means, make that investment.
What do you think? Do you agree with The American Humanist Association? Why?
I remember reading about those ads in The Washington Post when they came out. There were some comments about how the ads were anti-religious but that is not how I saw it. I didn’t know there was such a thing as the American Humanist Society but I am in agreement with their “Just be good for goodness sake.” advice. In my opinion it is good advice no matter what your religion, whether you even follow a religion or are unsure as to what you believe or are a non-believer. I also agree that having moral values need not come from God or any particular religion. People can have a sound set of moral values in the absence of religion – I believe that anyway. That being said I do think people need to have the positive values they practice reinforced by some means.
There are many influences in our lives that play a role in the type of people we are. The way our values systems have been fed and cared for and the examples we’ve been exposed help determine whether we are honest or liars, kind or mean-spirited, grateful or unappreciative. What we learn in church or through religious teachings can influence us in a positive way and I’m all for anything that reinforces the practice of positive values. To be a good person, however, I don’t believe you have to follow a specific religion or believe in God; you don’t have to have parents who are constantly exhibiting the practice of positive values; you don’t have to live in a supportive community where people interact politely and do things for one another. Of course all of that would be helpful even if not absolutely required. You do, however, have to have some concept of why practicing your values in a positive way is a good thing. Having people set good examples for you helps; having parents and educators who reinforce the practice of these positive values helps; hearing stories from the Bible or other religious texts or sermons that extol the practice of positive values helps.
I think being civilized does bring with it an inherent decency but that “good” has to be fed and cared for. Some people can just be good for goodness sake. They can see the benefits of it. Others need or may want affirmation from many areas of their life to keep them on track – family, friends, community, work, school and church are all areas in our lives that can give a boost to our “goodness”. So while I agree with the American Humanist Association I also think that whatever works for people, that whatever drives them or helps them to be a good person, to be a person of integrity would be a good investment of their time or energy. If God or religion does that for them, then by all means, make that investment.
What do you think? Do you agree with The American Humanist Association? Why?
Monday, April 27, 2009
Dear Abby on Character
The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back. -- Abigail Van Buren
When I read about people who mistreat children or animals I get very angry. Of course there are women and men who get mistreated as well but, in theory, children and animals are more at the mercy both physically and mentally of their abusers. What drives someone to mistreat someone who cannot fight back? I don’t know what drives such behavior but I can tell you that the people who do it are unkind, uncompassionate, impatient, immature, lacking self-esteem, mean or a combination of many or all of these. On the character scale they rank pretty low. Many of these people commit horrific, criminal acts against others and I readily admit that I have trouble forgiving these people. I do not understand how anyone can physically or emotionally mistreat someone over and over again. It is reprehensible and a person who does so is lacking big time when it comes to character. I can’t think of anything good that comes from mistreating another person – be it by being unkind or taking the mistreatment to a much worse level. People who mistreat others should feel shame, disappointment in themselves, be unhappy with their choices, want to repair or improve their behavior. They may feel powerful or strong but anyone who mistreats someone else is weak – weak in character. The fact that the solution they choose is one of intimidation, or meanness or some sort of emotional or physical mistreatment shows they lack the character, they lack intelligence, they are on some level uncivilized, they lack the strength to handle difficult or maybe just routine situations. They are pathetic, reprehensible beings.
Then you have folks who marginalize those who they deem to be ‘useless’ to them. These me-focused, self-centered individuals befriend people who are of use to them – people who can get them tickets to sports events, into clubs, know where the best places are to eat, can steer business their way, are entertaining, have a beach house, buy the best wine, are influential in some capacity, etc. When it comes to dealing with others they are ‘nice’ to those in positions who can be of some good to them. People who can get them a better deal, move them through a line more quickly, resolve an issue but if you are anyone else, you better get out of their way. When one of these people determines someone can’t give them what they want they often become rude or indignant. They are like children who throw tantrums because they are out of ideas as to how to get what they want. They often don’t hold the door for others, stop to let people cross the street as they are driving through parking lots, look people in the eye who they pass on the sidewalk, acknowledge those they see in their everyday routines with a smile, a nod or a hello. If you can’t help them in some way, shape or form you might as well be invisible. These people are not high up on that character scale either. They are all about themselves. What does one get by being civil to that stranger you pass in the mall? Nothing. Really? Aren’t you perhaps giving something versus getting something when you do something like that? Isn’t that reason enough to do it? Because you might brighten someone’s day? Is it that difficult to utter a thank you, to say hello, to extend a kind gesture for no reason at all other than it’s a nice thing to do? The civil thing to do?
I have always told my children that the best compliment they could ever receive is that they are nice. To be someone described as nice or kind or compassionate is way better than being cool or popular or whatever the word of the week is with kids these days. What gets you far in life or helps you optimize the happiness in your life is being a person of good character – not just when people are watching, not just with the people who you think are in the “right crowd” or people who you think can “do something for you” but all the time or at least most of the time. You don’t want to be known as the person who is “out for himself” or you may just find that you are by yourself most of the time.
If people were to describe you based on how you treated others – those who couldn’t fight back or those who could do you no good – what do you think they would say? Are you okay with that?
When I read about people who mistreat children or animals I get very angry. Of course there are women and men who get mistreated as well but, in theory, children and animals are more at the mercy both physically and mentally of their abusers. What drives someone to mistreat someone who cannot fight back? I don’t know what drives such behavior but I can tell you that the people who do it are unkind, uncompassionate, impatient, immature, lacking self-esteem, mean or a combination of many or all of these. On the character scale they rank pretty low. Many of these people commit horrific, criminal acts against others and I readily admit that I have trouble forgiving these people. I do not understand how anyone can physically or emotionally mistreat someone over and over again. It is reprehensible and a person who does so is lacking big time when it comes to character. I can’t think of anything good that comes from mistreating another person – be it by being unkind or taking the mistreatment to a much worse level. People who mistreat others should feel shame, disappointment in themselves, be unhappy with their choices, want to repair or improve their behavior. They may feel powerful or strong but anyone who mistreats someone else is weak – weak in character. The fact that the solution they choose is one of intimidation, or meanness or some sort of emotional or physical mistreatment shows they lack the character, they lack intelligence, they are on some level uncivilized, they lack the strength to handle difficult or maybe just routine situations. They are pathetic, reprehensible beings.
Then you have folks who marginalize those who they deem to be ‘useless’ to them. These me-focused, self-centered individuals befriend people who are of use to them – people who can get them tickets to sports events, into clubs, know where the best places are to eat, can steer business their way, are entertaining, have a beach house, buy the best wine, are influential in some capacity, etc. When it comes to dealing with others they are ‘nice’ to those in positions who can be of some good to them. People who can get them a better deal, move them through a line more quickly, resolve an issue but if you are anyone else, you better get out of their way. When one of these people determines someone can’t give them what they want they often become rude or indignant. They are like children who throw tantrums because they are out of ideas as to how to get what they want. They often don’t hold the door for others, stop to let people cross the street as they are driving through parking lots, look people in the eye who they pass on the sidewalk, acknowledge those they see in their everyday routines with a smile, a nod or a hello. If you can’t help them in some way, shape or form you might as well be invisible. These people are not high up on that character scale either. They are all about themselves. What does one get by being civil to that stranger you pass in the mall? Nothing. Really? Aren’t you perhaps giving something versus getting something when you do something like that? Isn’t that reason enough to do it? Because you might brighten someone’s day? Is it that difficult to utter a thank you, to say hello, to extend a kind gesture for no reason at all other than it’s a nice thing to do? The civil thing to do?
I have always told my children that the best compliment they could ever receive is that they are nice. To be someone described as nice or kind or compassionate is way better than being cool or popular or whatever the word of the week is with kids these days. What gets you far in life or helps you optimize the happiness in your life is being a person of good character – not just when people are watching, not just with the people who you think are in the “right crowd” or people who you think can “do something for you” but all the time or at least most of the time. You don’t want to be known as the person who is “out for himself” or you may just find that you are by yourself most of the time.
If people were to describe you based on how you treated others – those who couldn’t fight back or those who could do you no good – what do you think they would say? Are you okay with that?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wisdom from the Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama says:
2. Sometimes you have to take risks to reach the pinnacle of something – like love. We often don’t trust ourselves with something so big, so powerful, so potentially rewarding. It’s “safer” to be conservative, to take the easy or uncomplicated path. To achieve greatness in something it often involves reaching beyond your comfort zone, saying yes to your heart and letting your emotions, what you feel inside guide you. It is risky – you may be risking a broken heart or there may be other risks involved – but in taking that risk you may find that great love; that something you didn’t realize was out there for you. Isn’t the possibility of experiencing something that amazing well worth the risks involved?
3. This kind of builds upon #2. You have to throw caution to the wind when you are in love sometimes. You have to let yourself go, lose your inhibitions, give all of yourself to that person you love; you have to take chances, embrace the unexpected, the unknown, the unconventional even. To do so is liberating; it’s invigorating. Be passionate. Be in it with all your heart and soul. If you do you will find an incredible happiness; an incredible gratification.
4. It’s pretty hard not to say “remember when…” when you are angry and trying to make a point or maybe “win”. However, it rarely does much good to drag in past issues when dealing with a current disagreement. Opening old wounds is usually not wise – nor is doing the “I told you so” thing. If you have a disagreement, in order to resolve it quickly you need to keep it in perspective focusing only on it – not linking it to or referring to past transgressions. Deal with the issue at hand. That’s the respectful thing to do.
5. Your home is your refuge, often the center of your universe. You should feel welcome, comfortable and loved when you are there. People create home environments differently. Sometimes they surround themselves with things – heirlooms, pictures, artwork – that remind them of people they have loved or love. These surroundings can bring you physical comfort or give you a good feeling but most important are the people who live in the home and the way that they move about and interact. You won’t be comfortable on that cushy couch if you don’t feel cared about and loved by the people who are in the room with you. You should give of yourself to those with whom you live showing them with your words and your actions that you care. That makes for an environment where love can thrive if it is going to thrive.
I’m not the greatest at number 1. I can be a grudge holder so I need to get better at that for when you hold grudges something little sometimes all of a sudden seems big. I agree 100% with #2 and #3. While not normally a risk-taker I think taking risks for the sake of love is totally worth it and that loving with great abandon, well, it’s the only way if you can let yourself do so. I tend to follow #4 for when I’ve not followed it the waters get muddied and often the issue at hand gets forgotten. I only bring up past issues if dealing with a recurring issue otherwise there is no reason to do so. Lastly #5 – it’s important for children to grow up feeling loved; to see examples of caring people in their homes, their lives, their communities. I try, through my words and actions to be a good example for my children, to make sure that they know what it feels like to be loved, to instill in them the importance of being caring, thoughtful, considerate individuals who will recognize love when it comes to them.
Does your practice of love take seriously the Dalai Lama’s reminders?
1. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
2. Great love and great achievements involve great risk.
3. Approach love and cooking with great abandon.
4. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
5. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
I’m not a follower of or am that aware of the Dalai Lama’s views but I do run across quotes from him on occasion and I tend to agree with much of what I’ve read that he has said. I thought I’d go ahead and share my views on his above thoughts as food for thought.
1. So often we let small things ruin our day. Sometimes we let little things ruin a friendship. A few ill-chosen words by a friend needn’t blot out years of friendship. A little spat over something small – forgetting a lunch date, the voicing of a strong, opposing opinion or maybe a little inconsiderate behavior towards you – should be kept in perspective. Our actions sometimes belie how important someone is to us, especially when those actions are solitary in nature and unrepeated. A little forgiveness can go a long way.
2. Sometimes you have to take risks to reach the pinnacle of something – like love. We often don’t trust ourselves with something so big, so powerful, so potentially rewarding. It’s “safer” to be conservative, to take the easy or uncomplicated path. To achieve greatness in something it often involves reaching beyond your comfort zone, saying yes to your heart and letting your emotions, what you feel inside guide you. It is risky – you may be risking a broken heart or there may be other risks involved – but in taking that risk you may find that great love; that something you didn’t realize was out there for you. Isn’t the possibility of experiencing something that amazing well worth the risks involved?
3. This kind of builds upon #2. You have to throw caution to the wind when you are in love sometimes. You have to let yourself go, lose your inhibitions, give all of yourself to that person you love; you have to take chances, embrace the unexpected, the unknown, the unconventional even. To do so is liberating; it’s invigorating. Be passionate. Be in it with all your heart and soul. If you do you will find an incredible happiness; an incredible gratification.
4. It’s pretty hard not to say “remember when…” when you are angry and trying to make a point or maybe “win”. However, it rarely does much good to drag in past issues when dealing with a current disagreement. Opening old wounds is usually not wise – nor is doing the “I told you so” thing. If you have a disagreement, in order to resolve it quickly you need to keep it in perspective focusing only on it – not linking it to or referring to past transgressions. Deal with the issue at hand. That’s the respectful thing to do.
5. Your home is your refuge, often the center of your universe. You should feel welcome, comfortable and loved when you are there. People create home environments differently. Sometimes they surround themselves with things – heirlooms, pictures, artwork – that remind them of people they have loved or love. These surroundings can bring you physical comfort or give you a good feeling but most important are the people who live in the home and the way that they move about and interact. You won’t be comfortable on that cushy couch if you don’t feel cared about and loved by the people who are in the room with you. You should give of yourself to those with whom you live showing them with your words and your actions that you care. That makes for an environment where love can thrive if it is going to thrive.
I’m not the greatest at number 1. I can be a grudge holder so I need to get better at that for when you hold grudges something little sometimes all of a sudden seems big. I agree 100% with #2 and #3. While not normally a risk-taker I think taking risks for the sake of love is totally worth it and that loving with great abandon, well, it’s the only way if you can let yourself do so. I tend to follow #4 for when I’ve not followed it the waters get muddied and often the issue at hand gets forgotten. I only bring up past issues if dealing with a recurring issue otherwise there is no reason to do so. Lastly #5 – it’s important for children to grow up feeling loved; to see examples of caring people in their homes, their lives, their communities. I try, through my words and actions to be a good example for my children, to make sure that they know what it feels like to be loved, to instill in them the importance of being caring, thoughtful, considerate individuals who will recognize love when it comes to them.
Does your practice of love take seriously the Dalai Lama’s reminders?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Grade Yourself on Happiness
The items below relate to your happiness.
- Feel safe and calm.
- Feel satisfied with personal goals.
- Take time to reflect on positive experiences.
- Have satisfying relationships with others.
- Have fun or find things funny.
- Get immersed in things that you love to do.
- Seek satisfaction in long-term experiences.
- Take time to express gratitude.
- Have the wisdom to know what can be changed.
If I were grading myself on happiness based on the above I think I’d get a B. Let me take a moment to go through the list.
- Feel safe and calm. – B – I feel safe most of the time but not necessarily calm. I get tense kind of easily.
- Feel satisfied with personal goals. – B+ – I do pretty well at this, I could probably focus more and get more done.
- Take time to reflect on positive experiences. – A – I’m a big retrospective person and I don’t tend to dwell on the negative, I mostly try to relive and reflect on experiences I have truly enjoyed, that have been special, unique or unsurpassable in some manner.
- Have satisfying relationships with others. – B+ – Of the relationships I cherish and care about most are satisfying but some could be more so. Other relationships, more fringe-type relationships could, in general, probably be a little better.
- Have fun or find things funny. – A – I can’t imagine not having humor in my life on a daily basis. I am pretty good at finding a little fun or funny in my day.
- Get immersed in things that you love to do. – B – I tend to put things off or tell myself that I don’t have time for some of the things I love to do. I do tend to my interests in some things but not others. I just need to focus a little more on those that aren’t getting as much attention.
- Seek satisfaction in long-term experiences. – B – I am not a patient person so sometimes I get anxious with long-term experiences that involve reaching some sort of goal or end. I need to get better at enjoying the ‘getting there’ process.
- Take time to express gratitude. – A – I think gratitude is one of the most important values to practice. I am very good about expressing my gratitude for others and taking time to ponder what or who I am grateful for.
- Have the wisdom to know what can be changed. – B – I know much of what can be changed but sometimes I find myself puzzled over whether or not change is really possible. I think courage is needed in addition to wisdom to make some changes. I think it’s the courage part that maybe I’m lacking, not the knowing part.
Yeah, so I think I get a solid B. Not bad but there's room for improvement. I would consider myself a generally happy person but there are ways to be even happier. I think how happy we are depends on a few other key values, like:
- Love – do I have things I love that bring me happiness?
- Self-esteem – am I happy with myself?
- Gratitude – are you grateful for all that you have and all the opportunities you are afforded?
- Optimism – do you try to see the positive in challenging situations?
- Responsibility – are you taking care of business not letting things slip through the cracks?
There are certainly other values that play into our happiness but I thought I’d share a few that I think are pretty key. Maybe you have others that give your happiness a boost.
What grade would you give yourself on happiness? What other values help you to be happier?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Essence of Achievement
He resigned from the National Academy of Sciences and turned down honorary degrees from Columbia and the University of Chicago. He accepted his Nobel Prize for his work on quantum electrodynamics. But Richard Feynman’s viewpoint, expressed in a radio interview, was, “I don’t like honors. The real prize is the pleasure of finding the thing out.”
I’m with Richard on this one. While some people enjoy filling their shelves with trophies, medals, certificates and other awards for recognition, others are content with or prefer not to have attention brought to them in this manner.
There are many ways in which people can feel that they have achieved something – whether it’s a personal or professional accomplishment. For me I feel a sense of achievement when:
- I’ve completed a task or reached a goal I have set for myself.
- I am content or happy at the end of “the thing”.
- I have made an impact on others; I can see or sense a feeling of gratitude, happiness or love from another because of something that I’ve done or contributed to.
- I do not feel like something has been left undone or is needing attention.
- I am being responsible and accountable, even if things aren’t going quite as planned.
- I am delivering quality in my efforts, in my work – whatever the deliverables may be.
- I am living well – fiscally, physically and psychologically/emotionally.
Awards and honors can be nice, they certainly aren’t a bad thing. Some people need concrete things, things one can hold onto to reassure them of their achievements – written evaluations, certificates, bonuses. Some need to write lists and check things off as evidence of their achievements. Others measure their achievements by quantity or rank – what their job titles are, the balance of their bank accounts, how long they’ve been married or been with a company. I don’t think these measures, however, are always a good way to assess achievement; sometimes, I think they more aptly reflect one’s perseverance than their achievements. We can fool ourselves into thinking we’ve accomplished more than we really have when we only look at things from a quantitative perspective.
Self-assessing can be difficult for some but it’s a very useful skill. I choose to assess my achievements based on whether I or others can see values like quality, happiness, gratitude, love, accountability, determination and completeness in whatever I’m doing or in whatever the final outcome is.
What brings you a sense of achievement?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
To Be Really Rich
Charles Collier, in his book, Wealth in Families, says, “In the end, what we really care about is much deeper than financial wealth. The desire for meaning and genuine connection will always transcend wealth. As my father wrote many years ago, ‘To be really rich is to be rich in achievement, rich in experience, and rich in friendship.’”
This is quite timely considering the state of our economy these days. Many people who thought themselves rich or doing well financially are now not feeling quite so confident in this aspect of their lives. There are a few folks – experts or authorities – being interviewed who are saying that it’s time to get back to basics, back to the things that are really important like friends, family, interests – things we care about. My question is, why do we have to go “back” there? Regardless of our financial well-being, shouldn’t those things always be at the top of our list? Have we become so accustomed to assessing how valuable things are in our life by looking at price tags? Do we let those price tags define how “rich” our lives are? How happy we are? Do we rate our personal “richness” by the size of our home? The quantity of cars in our driveway? Or how many big screen televisions we have? I think many people do look at these things as what defines a good life; as what makes them rich. And I think they are wrong – or at least really missing out. I think the size of our hearts is way more important; the frequency with which we smile and laugh; the depth of our friendships (not the number of friends); how deep we love; how moved we are by things that we care about. Those are the irreplaceable “things” in our lives. Priceless, as they say.
Don’t get me wrong, a comfortable life is great. A nice home to live in, comfy furniture and non-essential luxuries are all appreciated and enjoyed but we’ve heard time and again about tornados or fires completely destroying homes and what is longed for most in the wreckage are the photos, the memories, the stuff that cannot be replaced with an insurance check. I might love my sofa but it wouldn’t really be that hard to replace it. If I lost my best friend, however, I’d never stop grieving.
So, do I consider myself rich? Absolutely. I have people in my life who I cannot imagine living without. People who make me laugh and who can move me to tears. People who I am sad to have to say goodbye to whenever we are together and must part. There are never-ending interests and curiosities that feed my brain and body. There is work and there is play – from both I grow and become more educated in one way or another. These things are far more important than any thing I own. And while I know things can have meaning – heirlooms and special gifts – what is it that gives those things their meaning? The price tags? No. It’s the connection to a person that makes any ‘thing’ special or meaningful.
Things themselves are nice, even bringing fun and entertainment at times but when you get down to it, they are not really what “does it” for us. A cottage in the Caribbean is a dream but incomplete if it does not include that special someone to share it with. A glass of merlot can taste lovely but isn’t it better when you’re sharing the bottle with a friend? The big game on the big screen television can look amazing and certainly be enjoyed by the sports fan, but isn’t the experience enhanced when you include friends and family?
We work our whole lives to have the best life we can, to provide ourselves and our families with as much opportunity to thrive as we possibly can. There is nothing wrong with that. What I think is wrong, or certainly unfortunate, is if you forget along the way what’s really important to you on the inside, what really does it for you in your heart. I’ve never felt touched by an expensive piece of furniture, a nice oriental rug, a fancy car – I’ve appreciated them, maybe even wanted them or bought them but never have I felt a real connection with a material object. I have, however, experienced love, passion, friendship, camaraderie, humor, sadness, happiness, success, failure, joy and grief well beyond what I could have ever imagined in my life. And this is what I think makes me really rich.
Do you think of yourself as “really rich?” Why?
This is quite timely considering the state of our economy these days. Many people who thought themselves rich or doing well financially are now not feeling quite so confident in this aspect of their lives. There are a few folks – experts or authorities – being interviewed who are saying that it’s time to get back to basics, back to the things that are really important like friends, family, interests – things we care about. My question is, why do we have to go “back” there? Regardless of our financial well-being, shouldn’t those things always be at the top of our list? Have we become so accustomed to assessing how valuable things are in our life by looking at price tags? Do we let those price tags define how “rich” our lives are? How happy we are? Do we rate our personal “richness” by the size of our home? The quantity of cars in our driveway? Or how many big screen televisions we have? I think many people do look at these things as what defines a good life; as what makes them rich. And I think they are wrong – or at least really missing out. I think the size of our hearts is way more important; the frequency with which we smile and laugh; the depth of our friendships (not the number of friends); how deep we love; how moved we are by things that we care about. Those are the irreplaceable “things” in our lives. Priceless, as they say.
Don’t get me wrong, a comfortable life is great. A nice home to live in, comfy furniture and non-essential luxuries are all appreciated and enjoyed but we’ve heard time and again about tornados or fires completely destroying homes and what is longed for most in the wreckage are the photos, the memories, the stuff that cannot be replaced with an insurance check. I might love my sofa but it wouldn’t really be that hard to replace it. If I lost my best friend, however, I’d never stop grieving.
So, do I consider myself rich? Absolutely. I have people in my life who I cannot imagine living without. People who make me laugh and who can move me to tears. People who I am sad to have to say goodbye to whenever we are together and must part. There are never-ending interests and curiosities that feed my brain and body. There is work and there is play – from both I grow and become more educated in one way or another. These things are far more important than any thing I own. And while I know things can have meaning – heirlooms and special gifts – what is it that gives those things their meaning? The price tags? No. It’s the connection to a person that makes any ‘thing’ special or meaningful.
Things themselves are nice, even bringing fun and entertainment at times but when you get down to it, they are not really what “does it” for us. A cottage in the Caribbean is a dream but incomplete if it does not include that special someone to share it with. A glass of merlot can taste lovely but isn’t it better when you’re sharing the bottle with a friend? The big game on the big screen television can look amazing and certainly be enjoyed by the sports fan, but isn’t the experience enhanced when you include friends and family?
We work our whole lives to have the best life we can, to provide ourselves and our families with as much opportunity to thrive as we possibly can. There is nothing wrong with that. What I think is wrong, or certainly unfortunate, is if you forget along the way what’s really important to you on the inside, what really does it for you in your heart. I’ve never felt touched by an expensive piece of furniture, a nice oriental rug, a fancy car – I’ve appreciated them, maybe even wanted them or bought them but never have I felt a real connection with a material object. I have, however, experienced love, passion, friendship, camaraderie, humor, sadness, happiness, success, failure, joy and grief well beyond what I could have ever imagined in my life. And this is what I think makes me really rich.
Do you think of yourself as “really rich?” Why?
Friday, March 13, 2009
“Surprised To Be Fired”
A few years ago a New York Yankee million-dollar-a-year outfielder was dismissed after confessing to the theft of a teammate’s bat and glove. He reportedly sold the glove for $2,500. According to U.S. News & World Report, “the outfielder said that he was surprised to be fired: ‘I didn’t kill anyone. I just made a mistake and I’ve repented’.”
This raises the question: Should moral standards be different for celebrities than ordinary people?
No, I don’t think so but let’s see, if someone at a company was caught stealing a $2500 laptop computer s/he would likely be fired so why should a major league baseball player be held to a different standard? Sure, he made a mistake and there were consequences: he was fired. He wasn’t sent to jail like an actual killer would be so his analogy there is way off the mark. People don’t get fired for killing the boss, they go to jail for the rest of their life. People get fired for stealing from companies so he was punished appropriately.
Now, I will say that the celebrity factor does come into play with matters such as this. I was just having this conversation with my husband the other evening after reading an article in Sports Illustrated about Michael Vick’s potential return to the NFL. If you recall, Vick was the ring leader of an illegal and incredibly cruel dog fighting operation on his property. His punishment was a jail sentence. He has also suffered additional consequences financially speaking and, of course, to his reputation. Animal lovers are unforgiving. I’m one of them. What he did was unforgivable in my eyes. I would not hire him but I’m not saying he shouldn’t be hired. My husband said in our conversation “there are plenty of thugs in the NFL who after doing their time have been rehired so why should Vick be treated differently?” I will have to forget, in order to stay on topic, the part where he said “there are plenty of thugs in the NFL” but the NFL really should do something about the fact that there are apparently enough public objectionable incidences and/or actual crimes being committed by their players that someone could make such a sweeping statement. But, back to Vick and the standard by which celebrities should be judged.
My opinion on this matter is that if you are being paid a salary – and in the case of celebrities that salary can be in the multi-million range – then your employer has every right to expect you to behave in a certain way. If your image gives the organization for which you work a proverbial black eye then why should you be hired? If a slick salesman, well-known for his reputation of being less than honest with his clients, alienating and upsetting them, applied for a job at company do you think he’d be hired? No. Should that reputation continue to hurt him forever? Well, if he continues to behave in a manner that is detrimental to a company then yes but if he proves, by way of having a sales job where he has made clients happy and has started a track record that shows he is no longer “slick” and has changed his ways, then sure, he should be given another chance. Giving Vick a job right out of prison, I think, is irresponsible. For one, ex-cons will tell you themselves that prison is itself not rehabilitation. How do we know Vick or any other ex-con who is playing on the football field has been rehabilitated? Where’s the track record that proves that? I don’t think people who have committed crimes should be forever marked by that experience and forever labeled as “bad” or “unemployable” but they shouldn’t get free passes either because they are famous.
Employers have codes of conduct, they have dress codes, and they have rules by which employees must adhere or they risk losing their jobs. There was a small uproar when the NBA requested players “dress” for games. This meant they had to wear something akin to a suit. If I recall they had to wear a jacket, no jeans slung low on their rears; they had to look professional, basically. I was appalled to hear the complaints by some of the players. My reaction: “You are being paid millions. How dare you complain when your boss tells you to present a professional image on game day?” What a bunch of whiners. And hello – like it or not you and whether it’s right or not kids do look up to you, they do try to emulate you and not just how you play on the court or on the field, they watch your every move – they want to dress like you, act like you. Do you want to be responsible for some kid thinking it’s okay to be disrespectful to women because you are? Do you want some kid to think carrying a gun to some club is okay because you did it? And what if went off by accident resulted in a fatality? Do you want some kid to think it’s okay to have five different kids by five different women, none of whom are your wife? Do you want to convey that fighting is the way to resolve your issues with other people? I mean really, I would think it’s a no-brainer to not want to convey these images to the people who look to you as a role model. I would think it shouldn’t take a whole lot to keep you from behaving like a civilized human being with a decent set of values but the risk of losing a multi-million dollar contract, one would think, would be a pretty good deterrent.
It think it appears that we “ordinary people” hold celebrities to a different moral standard because their mistakes are aired on television and it’s news. We ordinary people don’t get on the news for calling a referee a bad name or driving while intoxicated. It’s not rocket science – you’re famous, you’re newsworthy. Giving your mistake air time doesn’t mean anyone is holding you to a different moral standard, it’s just being talked about publicly. Call us ordinary people crazy but I think you should know that if scads of paparazzi follow you on a regular basis then that little rendezvous with that person who is not your spouse is going to be caught on film. Or did you think that that along with things like getting drunk and passing out on the street would go unnoticed? Or did you feel that your little tirade after the game when you met the press was a wise move the media would just forgive and not air? I recognize – and I think most people recognize – that celebrities indeed live in a different world than we do; that their every move is scrutinized. Of course, that is but one reason they are so highly paid. Still, it has to be tremendously stressful to be under the microscope all the time, especially if you are in that “super star” category. Do I think it’s fair that when a celebrity makes a mistake or finds himself in an unflattering situation that their picture is plastered on the front page of the paper and the news shows lead with the story? Yes, I actually do think it is fair. It’s unfortunate, yes, and I even feel badly sometimes for some of these celebrities for mistakes do happen in our lives and most of us don’t have to work through them with the public watching and blogging about us but it does sort of go with the territory. Trying to claim any ignorance of that fact of celebrity life is well, ignorant. It’s no secret. If you choose to ignore that condition of your celebrity and make a poor choice then you must accept the consequences – whether in a court of law or the court of public opinion, which can sometimes be the harsher of the two.
So, to answer the question I posed again: no, moral standards should not be different for celebrities than ordinary people. People, no matter who you are, should be held to the same standards. The paths we choose in life – the career choices we make – however, do bring with them different stipulations, conditions and consequences when we falter. Company CEOs are held to higher standards than an entry level clerk. The CEO is paid more for s/he has more at stake and will pay a higher price professionally if he fails in his role. The more prominent the position, the greater risk you are taking personally and professionally. It’s part of the price you pay to be in the position you’re in. So, for celebrities who falter, do we need to try to keep the mistake in perspective? Sure, but so do they. Celebrities are cut many a break and given many perks along the way in their careers. For these they should be, and hopefully are, grateful. They are being lauded, applauded and adored because they are celebrities. Do they deserve this praise solely because of their status? Nope, but it goes with the territory of “celebrity”. So the same should be true for when they mess up. They must not only suffer the same, reasonable and just consequences of their mistake like the rest of us ordinary folks would, they also have to endure the public scrutiny that comes with their status. They can’t have it both ways. As sorry as I may feel for famous people having to live out their lives in the public eye at times, I simply don’t feel sorry for any harsh judgments people make when they’ve made very poor values choices. There are little mistakes that just about anyone can forgive – the ones we can imagine doing ourselves – but when it’s stealing a teammate’s baseball glove and then selling it for economic gain, running a dog fight operation on your property, being arrested over and over again for assault, drunk driving or domestic abuse you are going to be judged harshly, as would anyone. I have seen reports of people who are not famous being arrested for running dog fighting operations. They are on television. Their crime is as heinous and horrendous as Vick’s and they will serve the same type of jail sentence as he did. The only difference between the two cases is that Vick was known before he made his mistake and this non-famous person was not. I guarantee you, however, that the non-famous person will always be remembered by the people who knew him as the guy who got caught running a cruel dog fighting operation. Vick will also always be known that way – there are just a lot more people who know happen to know him. It’s what comes with the territory.
This raises the question: Should moral standards be different for celebrities than ordinary people?
No, I don’t think so but let’s see, if someone at a company was caught stealing a $2500 laptop computer s/he would likely be fired so why should a major league baseball player be held to a different standard? Sure, he made a mistake and there were consequences: he was fired. He wasn’t sent to jail like an actual killer would be so his analogy there is way off the mark. People don’t get fired for killing the boss, they go to jail for the rest of their life. People get fired for stealing from companies so he was punished appropriately.
Now, I will say that the celebrity factor does come into play with matters such as this. I was just having this conversation with my husband the other evening after reading an article in Sports Illustrated about Michael Vick’s potential return to the NFL. If you recall, Vick was the ring leader of an illegal and incredibly cruel dog fighting operation on his property. His punishment was a jail sentence. He has also suffered additional consequences financially speaking and, of course, to his reputation. Animal lovers are unforgiving. I’m one of them. What he did was unforgivable in my eyes. I would not hire him but I’m not saying he shouldn’t be hired. My husband said in our conversation “there are plenty of thugs in the NFL who after doing their time have been rehired so why should Vick be treated differently?” I will have to forget, in order to stay on topic, the part where he said “there are plenty of thugs in the NFL” but the NFL really should do something about the fact that there are apparently enough public objectionable incidences and/or actual crimes being committed by their players that someone could make such a sweeping statement. But, back to Vick and the standard by which celebrities should be judged.
My opinion on this matter is that if you are being paid a salary – and in the case of celebrities that salary can be in the multi-million range – then your employer has every right to expect you to behave in a certain way. If your image gives the organization for which you work a proverbial black eye then why should you be hired? If a slick salesman, well-known for his reputation of being less than honest with his clients, alienating and upsetting them, applied for a job at company do you think he’d be hired? No. Should that reputation continue to hurt him forever? Well, if he continues to behave in a manner that is detrimental to a company then yes but if he proves, by way of having a sales job where he has made clients happy and has started a track record that shows he is no longer “slick” and has changed his ways, then sure, he should be given another chance. Giving Vick a job right out of prison, I think, is irresponsible. For one, ex-cons will tell you themselves that prison is itself not rehabilitation. How do we know Vick or any other ex-con who is playing on the football field has been rehabilitated? Where’s the track record that proves that? I don’t think people who have committed crimes should be forever marked by that experience and forever labeled as “bad” or “unemployable” but they shouldn’t get free passes either because they are famous.
Employers have codes of conduct, they have dress codes, and they have rules by which employees must adhere or they risk losing their jobs. There was a small uproar when the NBA requested players “dress” for games. This meant they had to wear something akin to a suit. If I recall they had to wear a jacket, no jeans slung low on their rears; they had to look professional, basically. I was appalled to hear the complaints by some of the players. My reaction: “You are being paid millions. How dare you complain when your boss tells you to present a professional image on game day?” What a bunch of whiners. And hello – like it or not you and whether it’s right or not kids do look up to you, they do try to emulate you and not just how you play on the court or on the field, they watch your every move – they want to dress like you, act like you. Do you want to be responsible for some kid thinking it’s okay to be disrespectful to women because you are? Do you want some kid to think carrying a gun to some club is okay because you did it? And what if went off by accident resulted in a fatality? Do you want some kid to think it’s okay to have five different kids by five different women, none of whom are your wife? Do you want to convey that fighting is the way to resolve your issues with other people? I mean really, I would think it’s a no-brainer to not want to convey these images to the people who look to you as a role model. I would think it shouldn’t take a whole lot to keep you from behaving like a civilized human being with a decent set of values but the risk of losing a multi-million dollar contract, one would think, would be a pretty good deterrent.
It think it appears that we “ordinary people” hold celebrities to a different moral standard because their mistakes are aired on television and it’s news. We ordinary people don’t get on the news for calling a referee a bad name or driving while intoxicated. It’s not rocket science – you’re famous, you’re newsworthy. Giving your mistake air time doesn’t mean anyone is holding you to a different moral standard, it’s just being talked about publicly. Call us ordinary people crazy but I think you should know that if scads of paparazzi follow you on a regular basis then that little rendezvous with that person who is not your spouse is going to be caught on film. Or did you think that that along with things like getting drunk and passing out on the street would go unnoticed? Or did you feel that your little tirade after the game when you met the press was a wise move the media would just forgive and not air? I recognize – and I think most people recognize – that celebrities indeed live in a different world than we do; that their every move is scrutinized. Of course, that is but one reason they are so highly paid. Still, it has to be tremendously stressful to be under the microscope all the time, especially if you are in that “super star” category. Do I think it’s fair that when a celebrity makes a mistake or finds himself in an unflattering situation that their picture is plastered on the front page of the paper and the news shows lead with the story? Yes, I actually do think it is fair. It’s unfortunate, yes, and I even feel badly sometimes for some of these celebrities for mistakes do happen in our lives and most of us don’t have to work through them with the public watching and blogging about us but it does sort of go with the territory. Trying to claim any ignorance of that fact of celebrity life is well, ignorant. It’s no secret. If you choose to ignore that condition of your celebrity and make a poor choice then you must accept the consequences – whether in a court of law or the court of public opinion, which can sometimes be the harsher of the two.
So, to answer the question I posed again: no, moral standards should not be different for celebrities than ordinary people. People, no matter who you are, should be held to the same standards. The paths we choose in life – the career choices we make – however, do bring with them different stipulations, conditions and consequences when we falter. Company CEOs are held to higher standards than an entry level clerk. The CEO is paid more for s/he has more at stake and will pay a higher price professionally if he fails in his role. The more prominent the position, the greater risk you are taking personally and professionally. It’s part of the price you pay to be in the position you’re in. So, for celebrities who falter, do we need to try to keep the mistake in perspective? Sure, but so do they. Celebrities are cut many a break and given many perks along the way in their careers. For these they should be, and hopefully are, grateful. They are being lauded, applauded and adored because they are celebrities. Do they deserve this praise solely because of their status? Nope, but it goes with the territory of “celebrity”. So the same should be true for when they mess up. They must not only suffer the same, reasonable and just consequences of their mistake like the rest of us ordinary folks would, they also have to endure the public scrutiny that comes with their status. They can’t have it both ways. As sorry as I may feel for famous people having to live out their lives in the public eye at times, I simply don’t feel sorry for any harsh judgments people make when they’ve made very poor values choices. There are little mistakes that just about anyone can forgive – the ones we can imagine doing ourselves – but when it’s stealing a teammate’s baseball glove and then selling it for economic gain, running a dog fight operation on your property, being arrested over and over again for assault, drunk driving or domestic abuse you are going to be judged harshly, as would anyone. I have seen reports of people who are not famous being arrested for running dog fighting operations. They are on television. Their crime is as heinous and horrendous as Vick’s and they will serve the same type of jail sentence as he did. The only difference between the two cases is that Vick was known before he made his mistake and this non-famous person was not. I guarantee you, however, that the non-famous person will always be remembered by the people who knew him as the guy who got caught running a cruel dog fighting operation. Vick will also always be known that way – there are just a lot more people who know happen to know him. It’s what comes with the territory.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Listen to Their Definitions of Love
An Internet article reports that 4 to 8 year-olds say love means:
- When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
- Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
- Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
I like these definitions. They are honest and you can see how these children sense the love in these moments. I thought I’d try to add a few images to the list. I’m not 4 to 8 years old, in fact I’m closer to 48 than I am to 4 or 8 so my answers may not be nearly as cute as a result.
What would you add to these definitions?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Religion Not Always the Driving Force
In a study of college students, there was a slight correlation between altruism and belief in God. Nonbelievers, nearly as frequently, rated as good Samaritans, having love and compassion for their fellow man, and being humble as the most devout. In a study of college students, their religious beliefs had little to do with their honesty.
These findings really didn’t surprise me. I do think there is often a connection or belief that those who are religious practice positive values. Sort of a “he’s religious ergo he must have good values.” I don’t immediately make that connection but many do and I sort of find it disappointing that people’s immediate thought is to associate positive values with being religious. Religion can and often does reinforce the practice of positive values but it is not the only means of getting a positive message or education about the importance of being a good person with a sound moral compass. I personally would not point to religion as having a strong influence one way or another on my values. I believe there are many people making poor values choices out there who attend religious services regularly – as many as those who do not regularly attend religious services of some sort.
When it comes to me personally, my values grounding came from my parents and it was reinforced along the way by peers, teachers, community members, things I read about or witnessed on my own. I did go to church regularly until I was about 10 years old but when I resisted continuing my parents let me make that choice. My parents felt it important for us, their children, to be exposed to religion but also made it clear that they did not feel going to church was required in order practice a religion, to have faith, to be a good person or to pray. We could be a part of a congregation if we wanted to or it could be more personal if that was our choice. My brother and sister chose to be more involved in church life than I did and my parents let us make those choices. Whatever values lessons my parents felt needed to be imparted were done by them and while church perhaps did or would have reinforced those lessons it was not there that I received that reinforcement – at least not beyond my 10th year.
In my house honesty, kindness and respect were the main values that were underscored by my parents. That’s not to say that other values weren’t stressed and reinforced but those were the big three. Not a whole lot of second chances were given when you were dishonest, unkind or disrespectful. You were punished – first time offenders were not given a break. Their message was clear – these were unacceptable behaviors and would in no way be overlooked. I might get away with arriving home ten or fifteen minutes past my curfew but had I been dishonest about what made me late (usually my just losing track of time or trying to eke out a few more moments of fun on my Friday night), then I was in trouble. My parents didn’t expect me to always agree with them but they always expected me to be respectful in my disagreement. And if I were to be caught being unkind to anyone – person or animal – there was a lecture for sure and then some consequence.
My parents pointed out when these values were practiced in a positive way or in a negative one wherever they were witnessed. They made sure we knew what was the right or wrong way to behave and what making the wrong choice would result in – normally some sort of grounding – no phone, no car, no going out on the weekends, you know, pretty much unimaginable stuff for a teenager (the years when these values needed the most reinforcement). Somehow they made us see how our positive behaviors reflected positively on others and how the opposite was also true.
The reinforcement didn’t just come from my parents, although they were the primary educators and models for us to follow. I had friends, parents of friends, teachers, coaches, family friends, relatives, and others who mostly set positive values examples. I had friends who got in trouble for lying and being disrespectful – they weren’t getting away with that either. I had teachers who called kids out on disrespectful and uncivil behaviors. I remember being shocked at how rude and unkind some kids were to their elders or people in authority and thought it such ugly behavior. Seeing the bad had an impact too – I didn’t want to be viewed the way I viewed some of my classmates. I had coaches who stressed how important it was to have strong character – forget about winning (although that was highly encouraged and exalted when it occurred) – being a good sport, a good person was a requirement. I am not sure that is still stressed as much today but it should be. I had an incredible ‘support network’ when it came to positive values reinforcement. I was taught well by my parents and in many ways probably got lucky with the positive examples I had to follow, which I feel were many. I am certain many of the people setting positive examples for me were having their positive values practice reinforced by others, including their church leaders if they attended church, and all of the other connections in their lives.
Our values lie within us and there are many ways by which the practice of positive values can be reinforced. Religious teachings can and do reinforce the practice of positive values but it is just one means of getting that reinforcement, not the only means. This tells me that folks who go to church regularly may be honest or dishonest as much of the time as those who don’t. Why? Because, as I said, religion is just but one means of receiving a positive message. If you don’t regularly attend religious services but have positive influences in your life then aren’t you just as likely to practice positive values as those who attend religious services regularly and also have positive influences in their lives? It would reason that those who are regularly exposed to negative values examples, perhaps seeing people getting away with lying, cheating or being dishonest in other ways, may be more likely to emulate those behaviors themselves regardless of whether they attend regular religious services. Religion can strongly reinforce positive values practice but it cannot alone keep folks on track if the other influences in their lives are not so positive. I am all for what helps reinforce the practice of positive values. Religion may have a positive influence on one’s values but I don’t think it is a requirement. I believe we can all be good people practicing positive values with or without it.
What do you think? Do the findings in the study of college students and their honesty surprise you? Why? What or who influences your practice of positive values?
These findings really didn’t surprise me. I do think there is often a connection or belief that those who are religious practice positive values. Sort of a “he’s religious ergo he must have good values.” I don’t immediately make that connection but many do and I sort of find it disappointing that people’s immediate thought is to associate positive values with being religious. Religion can and often does reinforce the practice of positive values but it is not the only means of getting a positive message or education about the importance of being a good person with a sound moral compass. I personally would not point to religion as having a strong influence one way or another on my values. I believe there are many people making poor values choices out there who attend religious services regularly – as many as those who do not regularly attend religious services of some sort.
When it comes to me personally, my values grounding came from my parents and it was reinforced along the way by peers, teachers, community members, things I read about or witnessed on my own. I did go to church regularly until I was about 10 years old but when I resisted continuing my parents let me make that choice. My parents felt it important for us, their children, to be exposed to religion but also made it clear that they did not feel going to church was required in order practice a religion, to have faith, to be a good person or to pray. We could be a part of a congregation if we wanted to or it could be more personal if that was our choice. My brother and sister chose to be more involved in church life than I did and my parents let us make those choices. Whatever values lessons my parents felt needed to be imparted were done by them and while church perhaps did or would have reinforced those lessons it was not there that I received that reinforcement – at least not beyond my 10th year.
In my house honesty, kindness and respect were the main values that were underscored by my parents. That’s not to say that other values weren’t stressed and reinforced but those were the big three. Not a whole lot of second chances were given when you were dishonest, unkind or disrespectful. You were punished – first time offenders were not given a break. Their message was clear – these were unacceptable behaviors and would in no way be overlooked. I might get away with arriving home ten or fifteen minutes past my curfew but had I been dishonest about what made me late (usually my just losing track of time or trying to eke out a few more moments of fun on my Friday night), then I was in trouble. My parents didn’t expect me to always agree with them but they always expected me to be respectful in my disagreement. And if I were to be caught being unkind to anyone – person or animal – there was a lecture for sure and then some consequence.
My parents pointed out when these values were practiced in a positive way or in a negative one wherever they were witnessed. They made sure we knew what was the right or wrong way to behave and what making the wrong choice would result in – normally some sort of grounding – no phone, no car, no going out on the weekends, you know, pretty much unimaginable stuff for a teenager (the years when these values needed the most reinforcement). Somehow they made us see how our positive behaviors reflected positively on others and how the opposite was also true.
The reinforcement didn’t just come from my parents, although they were the primary educators and models for us to follow. I had friends, parents of friends, teachers, coaches, family friends, relatives, and others who mostly set positive values examples. I had friends who got in trouble for lying and being disrespectful – they weren’t getting away with that either. I had teachers who called kids out on disrespectful and uncivil behaviors. I remember being shocked at how rude and unkind some kids were to their elders or people in authority and thought it such ugly behavior. Seeing the bad had an impact too – I didn’t want to be viewed the way I viewed some of my classmates. I had coaches who stressed how important it was to have strong character – forget about winning (although that was highly encouraged and exalted when it occurred) – being a good sport, a good person was a requirement. I am not sure that is still stressed as much today but it should be. I had an incredible ‘support network’ when it came to positive values reinforcement. I was taught well by my parents and in many ways probably got lucky with the positive examples I had to follow, which I feel were many. I am certain many of the people setting positive examples for me were having their positive values practice reinforced by others, including their church leaders if they attended church, and all of the other connections in their lives.
Our values lie within us and there are many ways by which the practice of positive values can be reinforced. Religious teachings can and do reinforce the practice of positive values but it is just one means of getting that reinforcement, not the only means. This tells me that folks who go to church regularly may be honest or dishonest as much of the time as those who don’t. Why? Because, as I said, religion is just but one means of receiving a positive message. If you don’t regularly attend religious services but have positive influences in your life then aren’t you just as likely to practice positive values as those who attend religious services regularly and also have positive influences in their lives? It would reason that those who are regularly exposed to negative values examples, perhaps seeing people getting away with lying, cheating or being dishonest in other ways, may be more likely to emulate those behaviors themselves regardless of whether they attend regular religious services. Religion can strongly reinforce positive values practice but it cannot alone keep folks on track if the other influences in their lives are not so positive. I am all for what helps reinforce the practice of positive values. Religion may have a positive influence on one’s values but I don’t think it is a requirement. I believe we can all be good people practicing positive values with or without it.
What do you think? Do the findings in the study of college students and their honesty surprise you? Why? What or who influences your practice of positive values?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Is There a Formula for Joy?
There have been 54,000 studies on depression and only 415 on happiness according to psychologist Dan Baker. Baker, in What Happy People Know, says that "happiness can be practiced and managed.” He says practicing appreciation and love makes us happy.
It certainly makes sense that there are more studies on depression versus happiness. We want to “fix” the depressed but there really isn’t a need to “fix” happiness. Of course, perhaps looking into what plays into making people happy and how you can achieve or practice happiness in one’s life could play into curing or improving those who suffer from depression. I think we could all benefit from a little education on how to be happier or how to be better at focusing on what makes us happy.
There are many things that make people happy. I think it is normal for folks to focus on the negative – to dwell on it – for those things tend to stand out like the proverbial sore thumb. When things don’t go right we spend a lot of time trying to figure out why, wondering how we could have done things differently, what preventive measures we can take the next time, how bad the consequences might be, etc. When things go right we are sort of in that “everything is as it should be” place therefore feeling no need to dwell, right? But maybe we should. Maybe we need to push past the “bad” more quickly and wallow in the good a little longer? Sounds like a good idea to me anyway. There is way more in my life that makes me happy than what makes me unhappy so what’s the point in letting that smaller percentage of unhappy stuff define my mood or general outlook? It doesn’t make sense. What I think makes sense is to remind ourselves every day – on the good and the bad days – of just few things that make us happy. Things we appreciate or are grateful for that indeed are a link to or a cause of happiness for us. Here is my short list for today.
- A few days of Spring-like weather in the middle of what’s normally a very cold month.
- The fun and whimsical movie Hotel for Dogs which is still making me smile days after seeing it with my daughter.
- My little dog and her wiggly tail.
- Good books to read.
- Fresh made iced tea in my fridge.
These may not seem like big things but they are things for which I am grateful today and that bring a happy smile to my face. Tomorrow my list may include some the same things as today or may be different. Here’s the thing, whatever makes you happy doesn’t have to be grand or complex or expensive or “big” in any other way. Nor does everything on “the list” have to be static even though it’s likely many things are – like friends or kids or family. What makes one happy can vary from day to day or hour to hour. Recognizing the happy in little things and focusing on achieving happiness in your life is something that has an immediate pay off – and that’s something we could all use these days.
What makes you happy? What can you do to be happier?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Who Benefits from Empathy?
“You don’t understand me.” How many times have you heard that? Empathy is a key to understanding people. To empathize with someone is to put one’s self in the other person’s shoes. When we understand the perspective of others, we understand them better. When people sense our empathy, they are likely to respect us because they appreciate our understanding.
The way in which I often start off being empathetic is by not judging or by wearing on my face any sort of emotional reaction. When a friend confides in me about an issue with his child, I do not rush to judge nor do I act shocked or surprised at whatever is being said. I often start off by saying I am sorry – sorry for whatever issue, crisis, upset is being shared.
People often feel they cannot be empathetic if they have not had a similar experience. I do not believe that is true. We can all imagine what our lives would be like if we won the lottery so why is it that we cannot imagine what it would be like to have a troubled child, to have lost a job, to have had our feelings hurt by a friend or partner, to have suffered some sort of setback or sadness in our lives?
If I put myself in the shoes of someone else – try to really feel and understand what they must be going through – then I will be better able to help another solve a problem, ease the pain, see the light. What good am I if all I can offer is a “Wow, that must really stink for you.” Not helpful. Not empathetic.
Empathy can be expressed in many ways – some simple, some more involved. Here are a few ways I try to express empathy:
- By just listening.
- Offering assistance in whatever way I can – be that emotional support or actually physically doing something.
- Sharing a similar experience and how I worked through it.
- Giving a hug.
- Being a shoulder to cry on or sometimes crying along with the person.
- Sending cards or notes of encouragement.
- Offering up helpful resources.
- Trying to give useful advice.
- By not being judgmental.
- Making myself available – emotionally and physically – for support.
- By remembering that you do not have to agree with people to be empathetic. (This is important!)
I also think it’s incredibly important to show one’s own children empathy. How often do they feel misunderstood? Treated unfairly? Stereotyped because they are teenagers or “too young to understand”? Sometimes I really don’t understand why my children feel they way they do just as my parents didn’t always understand my feelings. I try to remember that I was a kid once which meant I wasn’t always logical or rational or mature. I was very “me-focused” just as they are. Instead of telling my child s/he was wrong or pointing out that their childish response is, in fact, childish, I listen. I say I understand. I try to calm or alleviate the pain or stress of whatever is going on. I always try to keep it about them even if I am sharing a personal experience or story to help. It’s not easy but I want my kids to feel, to know that I am on their side. Being empathetic means making the other person feel you are on their side; that you understand.
How do you practice empathy?
Friday, January 30, 2009
How Do You Know When They Are Right?
Theodore Hesburgh, former Notre Dame president, said: My basic principle is that you don’t make decisions because they are easy; you don’t make them because they are cheap; you don’t make them because they are popular; you make them because they’re right.
Interestingly I think a lot of people do take the easy way out or go the popular route to avoid having to face a challenging or less than ideal situation or one that might result in a confrontation. I am sure I have caved at times and gone the easy or popular route – hopefully, though, those times have been over issues that were inconsequential. Like opting to go along with a restaurant choice that everyone else prefers when I’d rather go someplace else. With the really important stuff, however, I hope I’m following what I think is right. Right for me, my family, whoever is involved or whatever is at stake.
It’s important to know that the decisions you make are “right”. I try to live my life guided by my values and in general I think my philosophy is to live my life in a way that brings me happiness and to hurt no one in the process. Hurt or discord can’t always be avoided but, in general, if you are truly trying to do the right thing for all involved then you should at least be able to minimize the bad. When I make decisions that require any pondering or deeper thought (not ones like “which pants do I wear today” or “do I need to go to the store or can it wait until tomorrow”) I have to ask myself a few questions, like these:
- What do I honestly want or need?
- Is what I want/need good for me and anyone else involved? And if not, how does that play a role in my decision?
- Is my decision fair to all involved?
- Will I be happy with the decision I make and the potential consequence(s)/outcome(s)?
- Is it the responsible thing to do?
It’s my values that help me know that my decisions are right. I have to be honest with myself, ensure I am being responsible and fair in and with my choices, know that I will be happy with the choice I make and that the impact on others is negligible or at least that I’ve done all I can to make it so.
Sometimes we have to make unpopular or tough choices to do what is right and it takes courage to do that but if you keep your focus on doing what’s right – what you honestly believe to be the best choice – then you can feel good about your decisions even if they cause some undesirable or difficult consequences. Sometimes it’s our “gut” that tells us what is right – I think that our gut feelings are often right because in our gut lies our values. They are in us and guide us and sometimes you just know. But when you don’t or are unsure, you can ask yourself questions like those above to help you get there. It’s what I try to do.
What do you do? How do you know when your decisions are right?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Self-Esteem & Making Peace With Yourself
Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have. -- Doris Mortman
Doris Mortman hits the nail on the head. How can we be happy or content with what we have if we are unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves? Time and again it has been proven that money does not buy happiness. A big house, fancy car, luxurious furnishings cannot fill a void that is inside of us due to not being at peace with ourselves. If I am not happy with what I see in the mirror each morning and there are things I can do – actions I can take – to improve my opinion of myself then I need to do those things. Equally important is accepting the limitations and being at peace with what you cannot change. We all cannot be a size 4, or have beautiful wrinkle-free skin, or have the resilient 25 year old bodies of our past when we are say 45 and beyond. If I could will away the grey hairs and crow’s feet I would but I can’t. Mona, my hairdresser, takes care of the gray hairs – that’s how I deal with those pesky fellows. But the crow’s feet I have just learned to accept. I am at peace with them and as they increase in number I will have to keep that peace – or drink more wine until they blur together into smoothness. No, no, just kidding. But honestly, I have to decide what is important to me in order for me to be at peace. If I want to feel better about myself physically or emotionally – if I want to improve my self-confidence and opinion of myself it is within myself that I have to search and where I have to find that happy balance. No thing is going to make that happen.
Sitting in a nice, comfy chair in my family room watching a movie on a high definition television isn’t going to fix something that is off-balance inside of me. It may distract me from it for a bit but it will still be there waiting when the credits run across the screen at the end. Jetting off on a vacation to the tropics will be a nice escape for a week and might even be a great time but the escape is only temporary – you can’t run from your problems. If you don’t like how you look or the way you interact with others – if you are physically or emotionally deficient or unhappy you need to fix from the inside what can be fixed or improved upon and accept or come to terms with those things you may not have control over.
We often seek comfort in things – a good book, a movie, a nap on the couch, a trip away, a shopping spree at the mall. All of these things can be fun, comforting and good things but they are not solutions or substitutes for what is lacking or hurting or incomplete inside of us. If we don’t feel good about ourselves the answer is not in the cookie jar or the movie theater or a glass of wine. It is inside our souls – and a good look at why we are lacking in self-esteem is required to get to that feel-good feeling again.
When I look in the mirror I am at peace with myself. My face wears the battle scars of age and too much sun - the uneven skin tone, the age spots, the occasional blemish that I thought I left behind in my teens and the fine and not so fine lines that I like to say give me character. I am certainly thankful for products that help mask these imperfections but I am also at peace with them. They are reminders of a life lived. That little bit of extra skin on my tummy that I can’t seem to firm up no matter what I do I look at as a gift – okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, it is not a gift – but it is sort of a souvenir of my two pregnancies. How’s that for finding peace? That silver lining? Really, that smushy little spot is worth it – I’ve got two incredible kids. I often joke that I’m a Picasso painting (from his cubism days) for my eyes are truly two different sizes (subtle but ‘tis true), my ears are at different heights on my head (those sunglass frames weren’t bent like I thought), my nose has a noticeable bump in the middle – a result of a childhood accident playing tag and my hair, well, it kind of does whatever it wants once I put the curl into it. I do my best with what I’ve got and am at peace – even on the ‘bad’ days. A little self-deprecation can go a long way. I don’t worry when I walk into a room at a party or step up onto a platform to speak that someone is whispering about how I look for that does not define who I am. All that superficial stuff is of little importance to who we are although we do need to be comfortable in our own skin – whether it’s tight and supple or a little saggy and in need of some moisturizer. Whether we choose to look like we stepped out of a magazine every day or make people wonder if we even showered that day. However and whoever you choose to be you need to be comfortable and happy with yourself in every way possible.
When I feel good about myself I smile more, I laugh more, I look people in the eye, I am more confident in my speech and with my presence. I project a good feeling, a positive attitude. It is so much easier to face my day when I do so liking myself - what I look like, who I am, where I am on a given day, how I feel inside. I feel it is my responsibility to find my own happiness, to make a good life for me and those I love and I can’t imagine being able to do that if I didn’t first feel good about myself.
How good do you feel about yourself? How do you express that?
Doris Mortman hits the nail on the head. How can we be happy or content with what we have if we are unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves? Time and again it has been proven that money does not buy happiness. A big house, fancy car, luxurious furnishings cannot fill a void that is inside of us due to not being at peace with ourselves. If I am not happy with what I see in the mirror each morning and there are things I can do – actions I can take – to improve my opinion of myself then I need to do those things. Equally important is accepting the limitations and being at peace with what you cannot change. We all cannot be a size 4, or have beautiful wrinkle-free skin, or have the resilient 25 year old bodies of our past when we are say 45 and beyond. If I could will away the grey hairs and crow’s feet I would but I can’t. Mona, my hairdresser, takes care of the gray hairs – that’s how I deal with those pesky fellows. But the crow’s feet I have just learned to accept. I am at peace with them and as they increase in number I will have to keep that peace – or drink more wine until they blur together into smoothness. No, no, just kidding. But honestly, I have to decide what is important to me in order for me to be at peace. If I want to feel better about myself physically or emotionally – if I want to improve my self-confidence and opinion of myself it is within myself that I have to search and where I have to find that happy balance. No thing is going to make that happen.
Sitting in a nice, comfy chair in my family room watching a movie on a high definition television isn’t going to fix something that is off-balance inside of me. It may distract me from it for a bit but it will still be there waiting when the credits run across the screen at the end. Jetting off on a vacation to the tropics will be a nice escape for a week and might even be a great time but the escape is only temporary – you can’t run from your problems. If you don’t like how you look or the way you interact with others – if you are physically or emotionally deficient or unhappy you need to fix from the inside what can be fixed or improved upon and accept or come to terms with those things you may not have control over.
We often seek comfort in things – a good book, a movie, a nap on the couch, a trip away, a shopping spree at the mall. All of these things can be fun, comforting and good things but they are not solutions or substitutes for what is lacking or hurting or incomplete inside of us. If we don’t feel good about ourselves the answer is not in the cookie jar or the movie theater or a glass of wine. It is inside our souls – and a good look at why we are lacking in self-esteem is required to get to that feel-good feeling again.
When I look in the mirror I am at peace with myself. My face wears the battle scars of age and too much sun - the uneven skin tone, the age spots, the occasional blemish that I thought I left behind in my teens and the fine and not so fine lines that I like to say give me character. I am certainly thankful for products that help mask these imperfections but I am also at peace with them. They are reminders of a life lived. That little bit of extra skin on my tummy that I can’t seem to firm up no matter what I do I look at as a gift – okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, it is not a gift – but it is sort of a souvenir of my two pregnancies. How’s that for finding peace? That silver lining? Really, that smushy little spot is worth it – I’ve got two incredible kids. I often joke that I’m a Picasso painting (from his cubism days) for my eyes are truly two different sizes (subtle but ‘tis true), my ears are at different heights on my head (those sunglass frames weren’t bent like I thought), my nose has a noticeable bump in the middle – a result of a childhood accident playing tag and my hair, well, it kind of does whatever it wants once I put the curl into it. I do my best with what I’ve got and am at peace – even on the ‘bad’ days. A little self-deprecation can go a long way. I don’t worry when I walk into a room at a party or step up onto a platform to speak that someone is whispering about how I look for that does not define who I am. All that superficial stuff is of little importance to who we are although we do need to be comfortable in our own skin – whether it’s tight and supple or a little saggy and in need of some moisturizer. Whether we choose to look like we stepped out of a magazine every day or make people wonder if we even showered that day. However and whoever you choose to be you need to be comfortable and happy with yourself in every way possible.
When I feel good about myself I smile more, I laugh more, I look people in the eye, I am more confident in my speech and with my presence. I project a good feeling, a positive attitude. It is so much easier to face my day when I do so liking myself - what I look like, who I am, where I am on a given day, how I feel inside. I feel it is my responsibility to find my own happiness, to make a good life for me and those I love and I can’t imagine being able to do that if I didn’t first feel good about myself.
How good do you feel about yourself? How do you express that?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Is Patience a Value?
The rate of change in our lives has accelerated. Mass media make us instantly aware of happenings everywhere. We switch channels whenever we lose interest. TV programs solve problems in less than an hour. Commercials make us impatient to access new products. Computers allow us to access data and perform functions in a fraction of the time once required. The “quick fix” is our way of life.
We live in a world where we are often instantly gratified and as such are raising kids who believe that “instant gratification” is the norm. I believe this will lead them to experience more disappointment as a result. I myself am not a patient person. When I’ve made up my mind about something I want to take action right away. I want to see results quickly. This, I recognize, as a flaw. It takes time to do things right. It takes time to see the fruits of your labors. There are not really that many overnight success stories and those that seem like it we often come to find out were not.
Being impatient sometimes causes me to feel:
- stressed
- anxious
- angry
- frustrated
And as a result it can make others feel:
- uncomfortable
- ‘in the way’ or a burden to you
- frustrated
- angry
- inadequate or ‘dumb’
I do not want to feel any of the above and even more so do not want to make others feel that way. I cannot expect others to work or move at the same pace that I do. I can expect reasonable response times but I also have to recognize that there are things that result in delays that are beyond anyone’s control. These are things I know and yet I am still impatient. I have to work very hard to find patience – whether with my kids when they are moving at a snail’s pace when I’ve made some sort of request of them or with traffic or the grocery store line or the many procedures, customs and routines I come across in daily life that I often find unnecessarily cumbersome or lengthy but that are meant to be followed to provide order and a logical easy-to-understand process for ‘getting things done’.
Here’s another thing – you miss a lot when you’re impatient. When you don’t “stop to smell the roses” there is much to be missed. We often look at life, at our days as big checklists of things to do. To be sure, there is a lot that must be done in a given day but we can find ways to think about these things more as experiences than demands upon us. Rushing our kids to finish up dinner and not talk so much means we may miss out on an important event that happened to them that day at school. Hurrying through our lives and always looking towards “what’s next” is no way to live.
Once on vacation in Arizona we were hiking on a trail in a canyon. It was very nice and pretty but I felt like I had seen enough and wanted to move on to the next trail. My kids thought they heard water and were thinking there must be a waterfall. I think I responded with something to the effect that we were in a super dry area where cactus thrive so how could there be a waterfall. Instead of encouraging their curiosity I was trying to squash it. Fortunately my husband was not in the hurry that I was and suggested we veer off the trail to explore a little bit to see what we’d find. I went, reluctantly, still impatient to get to the next trail but sure enough we found the waterfall and pretty rock formations and the kids were delighted. There I was wanting to move on and see more of the park we were in and had the others let my impatience win out we would have missed the waterfall and I would have missed seeing the excitement and delight on my kids’ faces when they discovered what they thought they heard. It reminded me that I needed to slow down. That there is good stuff, memorable experiences that can be missed when you rush and are impatient. And not only might I miss things, I could be causing others to miss things and I don’t want to be responsible for that.
I have gotten better but I’m still impatient. I have to dig deep on the everyday stuff and have learned to “let it go” a lot. It makes a difference – I am less tense when I am patient as are those around me. Being impatient has no positive impact. Not one. Knowing that doesn’t automatically fix my tendency to be so but at least I recognize that and as such try to keep it at bay. It’s a never-ending battle for me but I have seen the rewards and that drives me to keep at it.
If patience is a value, how might your impatience impact your life?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Keep Your Promises to Yourself
To be accountable is to follow through on commitments we make, including commitments to ourselves. What difference would it make if, when you promised yourself a vacation, you kept that promise; if when you vowed to visit that old friend, you did, if when you promised to lose weight, you followed through?
As the New Year begins so many of us are making promises to ourselves – otherwise known as resolutions. I am doing the same thing. I give myself a solid ‘B’ on keeping promises to myself. Sometimes I do a great job – an A+ job – but other times I’m more of a C student on that front hence the B. I do a better job of keeping promises to others. I guess that is good. I think people would say I’m reliable and follow through on commitments I make to them so I am proud of that. When it comes to me, however, I sometimes fall short.
Now, on the vacation thing I’m pretty good at making that happen. Travel is a priority and if financially possible our family takes a few trips a year. This April we already have a trip to the Caribbean planned. I will turn 40 lying on the beach in St. Thomas. I can’t wait. Getting away is a nice escape – it allows you to leave the every day stuff behind. It offers renewal. It makes a great difference in my life. I yearn to travel when it has been a while. It’s not just about my curiosity to see and experiences new places, it’s about the renewal and reconnecting with my travel mates.
Visiting and keeping in touch with old friends is harder – for us all it seems. Facebook has gotten me back into communication with a few old friends and for that I am no longer poo-pooing the social networking scene. Well, not as much anyway. When you move outside of your own home – your own realm of control, so to speak – it becomes, or seems to become, a more daunting task. It’s not just about finding time in your own schedule to sit down for coffee or lunch, it’s about finding a time between two or more schedules where that coffee, lunch or weekend is free for all involved. I definitely need to do better with the old and dear friend connections.
I take my health pretty seriously but am not always great at keeping to an ideal diet or exercise routine. Sometimes it takes my jeans stretching to their max at the seams to snap me back into focus but most of the time I do a pretty good job because I want to, because I know it’s important, because I know the stakes are high. Diabetes runs in my family so that alone is a motivator but I also don’t want to cringe when I look in the mirror every day either. Focusing on my health is physically and mentally invigorating. When I’m not properly focused I can tell a difference - in my level of fitness, yes, but also in my positive mental attitude (which isn’t so positive when I’m slacking off).
I find that I often have to say out loud what I want to accomplish so that I follow through. If I utter it aloud – even if only to myself but out loud, not silently – it’s like I’ve put it “out there” and it has to be done. I also find that if I say “I will” it works better than if I say “I want”. If I say “I will” then I’m almost committing to something versus expressing just a wish or desire – things we all have but aren’t necessarily seeking to accomplish right away or maybe even at all. “I will” makes it a definite goal to be attained.
We all have our ways of keeping our promises to ourselves. It’s not always easy so I think we have to remember that we, as individuals, are important. We can’t take good care of others if we don’t take good care of ourselves. We can’t make others happy if our own happiness is only so-so. We have to have a little “me” time – whatever that may be. And we have to remember that it’s okay to focus on ourselves at times. We are worth it!
Do you follow through on promises you make to yourself? How often?
As the New Year begins so many of us are making promises to ourselves – otherwise known as resolutions. I am doing the same thing. I give myself a solid ‘B’ on keeping promises to myself. Sometimes I do a great job – an A+ job – but other times I’m more of a C student on that front hence the B. I do a better job of keeping promises to others. I guess that is good. I think people would say I’m reliable and follow through on commitments I make to them so I am proud of that. When it comes to me, however, I sometimes fall short.
Now, on the vacation thing I’m pretty good at making that happen. Travel is a priority and if financially possible our family takes a few trips a year. This April we already have a trip to the Caribbean planned. I will turn 40 lying on the beach in St. Thomas. I can’t wait. Getting away is a nice escape – it allows you to leave the every day stuff behind. It offers renewal. It makes a great difference in my life. I yearn to travel when it has been a while. It’s not just about my curiosity to see and experiences new places, it’s about the renewal and reconnecting with my travel mates.
Visiting and keeping in touch with old friends is harder – for us all it seems. Facebook has gotten me back into communication with a few old friends and for that I am no longer poo-pooing the social networking scene. Well, not as much anyway. When you move outside of your own home – your own realm of control, so to speak – it becomes, or seems to become, a more daunting task. It’s not just about finding time in your own schedule to sit down for coffee or lunch, it’s about finding a time between two or more schedules where that coffee, lunch or weekend is free for all involved. I definitely need to do better with the old and dear friend connections.
I take my health pretty seriously but am not always great at keeping to an ideal diet or exercise routine. Sometimes it takes my jeans stretching to their max at the seams to snap me back into focus but most of the time I do a pretty good job because I want to, because I know it’s important, because I know the stakes are high. Diabetes runs in my family so that alone is a motivator but I also don’t want to cringe when I look in the mirror every day either. Focusing on my health is physically and mentally invigorating. When I’m not properly focused I can tell a difference - in my level of fitness, yes, but also in my positive mental attitude (which isn’t so positive when I’m slacking off).
I find that I often have to say out loud what I want to accomplish so that I follow through. If I utter it aloud – even if only to myself but out loud, not silently – it’s like I’ve put it “out there” and it has to be done. I also find that if I say “I will” it works better than if I say “I want”. If I say “I will” then I’m almost committing to something versus expressing just a wish or desire – things we all have but aren’t necessarily seeking to accomplish right away or maybe even at all. “I will” makes it a definite goal to be attained.
We all have our ways of keeping our promises to ourselves. It’s not always easy so I think we have to remember that we, as individuals, are important. We can’t take good care of others if we don’t take good care of ourselves. We can’t make others happy if our own happiness is only so-so. We have to have a little “me” time – whatever that may be. And we have to remember that it’s okay to focus on ourselves at times. We are worth it!
Do you follow through on promises you make to yourself? How often?
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