How Do You Know When They Are Right?

Theodore Hesburgh, former Notre Dame president, said: My basic principle is that you don’t make decisions because they are easy; you don’t make them because they are cheap; you don’t make them because they are popular; you make them because they’re right.

Interestingly I think a lot of people do take the easy way out or go the popular route to avoid having to face a challenging or less than ideal situation or one that might result in a confrontation. I am sure I have caved at times and gone the easy or popular route – hopefully, though, those times have been over issues that were inconsequential. Like opting to go along with a restaurant choice that everyone else prefers when I’d rather go someplace else. With the really important stuff, however, I hope I’m following what I think is right. Right for me, my family, whoever is involved or whatever is at stake.

It’s important to know that the decisions you make are “right”. I try to live my life guided by my values and in general I think my philosophy is to live my life in a way that brings me happiness and to hurt no one in the process. Hurt or discord can’t always be avoided but, in general, if you are truly trying to do the right thing for all involved then you should at least be able to minimize the bad. When I make decisions that require any pondering or deeper thought (not ones like “which pants do I wear today” or “do I need to go to the store or can it wait until tomorrow”) I have to ask myself a few questions, like these:

• What do I honestly want or need?
• Is what I want/need good for me and anyone else involved? And if not, how does that play a role in my decision?
• Is my decision fair to all involved?
• Will I be happy with the decision I make and the potential consequence(s)/outcome(s)?
• Is it the responsible thing to do?

It’s my values that help me know that my decisions are right. I have to be honest with myself, ensure I am being responsible and fair in and with my choices, know that I will be happy with the choice I make and that the impact on others is negligible or at least that I’ve done all I can to make it so.

Sometimes we have to make unpopular or tough choices to do what is right and it takes courage to do that but if you keep your focus on doing what’s right – what you honestly believe to be the best choice – then you can feel good about your decisions even if they cause some undesirable or difficult consequences. Sometimes it’s our “gut” that tells us what is right – I think that our gut feelings are often right because in our gut lies our values. They are in us and guide us and sometimes you just know. But when you don’t or are unsure, you can ask yourself questions like those above to help you get there. It’s what I try to do.

What do you do? How do you know when your decisions are right?

Self-Esteem & Making Peace With Yourself

Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have. -- Doris Mortman

Doris Mortman hits the nail on the head. How can we be happy or content with what we have if we are unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves? Time and again it has been proven that money does not buy happiness. A big house, fancy car, luxurious furnishings cannot fill a void that is inside of us due to not being at peace with ourselves. If I am not happy with what I see in the mirror each morning and there are things I can do – actions I can take – to improve my opinion of myself then I need to do those things. Equally important is accepting the limitations and being at peace with what you cannot change. We all cannot be a size 4, or have beautiful wrinkle-free skin, or have the resilient 25 year old bodies of our past when we are say 45 and beyond. If I could will away the grey hairs and crow’s feet I would but I can’t. Mona, my hairdresser, takes care of the gray hairs – that’s how I deal with those pesky fellows. But the crow’s feet I have just learned to accept. I am at peace with them and as they increase in number I will have to keep that peace – or drink more wine until they blur together into smoothness. No, no, just kidding. But honestly, I have to decide what is important to me in order for me to be at peace. If I want to feel better about myself physically or emotionally – if I want to improve my self-confidence and opinion of myself it is within myself that I have to search and where I have to find that happy balance. No thing is going to make that happen.

Sitting in a nice, comfy chair in my family room watching a movie on a high definition television isn’t going to fix something that is off-balance inside of me. It may distract me from it for a bit but it will still be there waiting when the credits run across the screen at the end. Jetting off on a vacation to the tropics will be a nice escape for a week and might even be a great time but the escape is only temporary – you can’t run from your problems. If you don’t like how you look or the way you interact with others – if you are physically or emotionally deficient or unhappy you need to fix from the inside what can be fixed or improved upon and accept or come to terms with those things you may not have control over.

We often seek comfort in things – a good book, a movie, a nap on the couch, a trip away, a shopping spree at the mall. All of these things can be fun, comforting and good things but they are not solutions or substitutes for what is lacking or hurting or incomplete inside of us. If we don’t feel good about ourselves the answer is not in the cookie jar or the movie theater or a glass of wine. It is inside our souls – and a good look at why we are lacking in self-esteem is required to get to that feel-good feeling again.

When I look in the mirror I am at peace with myself. My face wears the battle scars of age and too much sun - the uneven skin tone, the age spots, the occasional blemish that I thought I left behind in my teens and the fine and not so fine lines that I like to say give me character. I am certainly thankful for products that help mask these imperfections but I am also at peace with them. They are reminders of a life lived. That little bit of extra skin on my tummy that I can’t seem to firm up no matter what I do I look at as a gift – okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, it is not a gift – but it is sort of a souvenir of my two pregnancies. How’s that for finding peace? That silver lining? Really, that smushy little spot is worth it – I’ve got two incredible kids. I often joke that I’m a Picasso painting (from his cubism days) for my eyes are truly two different sizes (subtle but ‘tis true), my ears are at different heights on my head (those sunglass frames weren’t bent like I thought), my nose has a noticeable bump in the middle – a result of a childhood accident playing tag and my hair, well, it kind of does whatever it wants once I put the curl into it. I do my best with what I’ve got and am at peace – even on the ‘bad’ days. A little self-deprecation can go a long way. I don’t worry when I walk into a room at a party or step up onto a platform to speak that someone is whispering about how I look for that does not define who I am. All that superficial stuff is of little importance to who we are although we do need to be comfortable in our own skin – whether it’s tight and supple or a little saggy and in need of some moisturizer. Whether we choose to look like we stepped out of a magazine every day or make people wonder if we even showered that day. However and whoever you choose to be you need to be comfortable and happy with yourself in every way possible.

When I feel good about myself I smile more, I laugh more, I look people in the eye, I am more confident in my speech and with my presence. I project a good feeling, a positive attitude. It is so much easier to face my day when I do so liking myself - what I look like, who I am, where I am on a given day, how I feel inside. I feel it is my responsibility to find my own happiness, to make a good life for me and those I love and I can’t imagine being able to do that if I didn’t first feel good about myself.

How good do you feel about yourself? How do you express that?

Is Patience a Value?

The rate of change in our lives has accelerated. Mass media make us instantly aware of happenings everywhere. We switch channels whenever we lose interest. TV programs solve problems in less than an hour. Commercials make us impatient to access new products. Computers allow us to access data and perform functions in a fraction of the time once required. The “quick fix” is our way of life.

We live in a world where we are often instantly gratified and as such are raising kids who believe that “instant gratification” is the norm. I believe this will lead them to experience more disappointment as a result. I myself am not a patient person. When I’ve made up my mind about something I want to take action right away. I want to see results quickly. This, I recognize, as a flaw. It takes time to do things right. It takes time to see the fruits of your labors. There are not really that many overnight success stories and those that seem like it we often come to find out were not.

Being impatient sometimes causes me to feel:
- stressed
- anxious
- angry
- frustrated

And as a result it can make others feel:
- uncomfortable
- ‘in the way’ or a burden to you
- frustrated
- angry
- inadequate or ‘dumb’

I do not want to feel any of the above and even more so do not want to make others feel that way. I cannot expect others to work or move at the same pace that I do. I can expect reasonable response times but I also have to recognize that there are things that result in delays that are beyond anyone’s control. These are things I know and yet I am still impatient. I have to work very hard to find patience – whether with my kids when they are moving at a snail’s pace when I’ve made some sort of request of them or with traffic or the grocery store line or the many procedures, customs and routines I come across in daily life that I often find unnecessarily cumbersome or lengthy but that are meant to be followed to provide order and a logical easy-to-understand process for ‘getting things done’.

Here’s another thing – you miss a lot when you’re impatient. When you don’t “stop to smell the roses” there is much to be missed. We often look at life, at our days as big checklists of things to do. To be sure, there is a lot that must be done in a given day but we can find ways to think about these things more as experiences than demands upon us. Rushing our kids to finish up dinner and not talk so much means we may miss out on an important event that happened to them that day at school. Hurrying through our lives and always looking towards “what’s next” is no way to live.

Once on vacation in Arizona we were hiking on a trail in a canyon. It was very nice and pretty but I felt like I had seen enough and wanted to move on to the next trail. My kids thought they heard water and were thinking there must be a waterfall. I think I responded with something to the effect that we were in a super dry area where cactus thrive so how could there be a waterfall. Instead of encouraging their curiosity I was trying to squash it. Fortunately my husband was not in the hurry that I was and suggested we veer off the trail to explore a little bit to see what we’d find. I went, reluctantly, still impatient to get to the next trail but sure enough we found the waterfall and pretty rock formations and the kids were delighted. There I was wanting to move on and see more of the park we were in and had the others let my impatience win out we would have missed the waterfall and I would have missed seeing the excitement and delight on my kids’ faces when they discovered what they thought they heard. It reminded me that I needed to slow down. That there is good stuff, memorable experiences that can be missed when you rush and are impatient. And not only might I miss things, I could be causing others to miss things and I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I have gotten better but I’m still impatient. I have to dig deep on the everyday stuff and have learned to “let it go” a lot. It makes a difference – I am less tense when I am patient as are those around me. Being impatient has no positive impact. Not one. Knowing that doesn’t automatically fix my tendency to be so but at least I recognize that and as such try to keep it at bay. It’s a never-ending battle for me but I have seen the rewards and that drives me to keep at it.

If patience is a value, how might your impatience impact your life?

Keep Your Promises to Yourself

To be accountable is to follow through on commitments we make, including commitments to ourselves. What difference would it make if, when you promised yourself a vacation, you kept that promise; if when you vowed to visit that old friend, you did, if when you promised to lose weight, you followed through?

As the New Year begins so many of us are making promises to ourselves – otherwise known as resolutions. I am doing the same thing. I give myself a solid ‘B’ on keeping promises to myself. Sometimes I do a great job – an A+ job – but other times I’m more of a C student on that front hence the B. I do a better job of keeping promises to others. I guess that is good. I think people would say I’m reliable and follow through on commitments I make to them so I am proud of that. When it comes to me, however, I sometimes fall short.

Now, on the vacation thing I’m pretty good at making that happen. Travel is a priority and if financially possible our family takes a few trips a year. This April we already have a trip to the Caribbean planned. I will turn 40 lying on the beach in St. Thomas. I can’t wait. Getting away is a nice escape – it allows you to leave the every day stuff behind. It offers renewal. It makes a great difference in my life. I yearn to travel when it has been a while. It’s not just about my curiosity to see and experiences new places, it’s about the renewal and reconnecting with my travel mates.

Visiting and keeping in touch with old friends is harder – for us all it seems. Facebook has gotten me back into communication with a few old friends and for that I am no longer poo-pooing the social networking scene. Well, not as much anyway. When you move outside of your own home – your own realm of control, so to speak – it becomes, or seems to become, a more daunting task. It’s not just about finding time in your own schedule to sit down for coffee or lunch, it’s about finding a time between two or more schedules where that coffee, lunch or weekend is free for all involved. I definitely need to do better with the old and dear friend connections.

I take my health pretty seriously but am not always great at keeping to an ideal diet or exercise routine. Sometimes it takes my jeans stretching to their max at the seams to snap me back into focus but most of the time I do a pretty good job because I want to, because I know it’s important, because I know the stakes are high. Diabetes runs in my family so that alone is a motivator but I also don’t want to cringe when I look in the mirror every day either. Focusing on my health is physically and mentally invigorating. When I’m not properly focused I can tell a difference - in my level of fitness, yes, but also in my positive mental attitude (which isn’t so positive when I’m slacking off).

I find that I often have to say out loud what I want to accomplish so that I follow through. If I utter it aloud – even if only to myself but out loud, not silently – it’s like I’ve put it “out there” and it has to be done. I also find that if I say “I will” it works better than if I say “I want”. If I say “I will” then I’m almost committing to something versus expressing just a wish or desire – things we all have but aren’t necessarily seeking to accomplish right away or maybe even at all. “I will” makes it a definite goal to be attained.

We all have our ways of keeping our promises to ourselves. It’s not always easy so I think we have to remember that we, as individuals, are important. We can’t take good care of others if we don’t take good care of ourselves. We can’t make others happy if our own happiness is only so-so. We have to have a little “me” time – whatever that may be. And we have to remember that it’s okay to focus on ourselves at times. We are worth it!

Do you follow through on promises you make to yourself? How often?