Religion Not Always the Driving Force

In a study of college students, there was a slight correlation between altruism and belief in God. Nonbelievers, nearly as frequently, rated as good Samaritans, having love and compassion for their fellow man, and being humble as the most devout. In a study of college students, their religious beliefs had little to do with their honesty.

These findings really didn’t surprise me. I do think there is often a connection or belief that those who are religious practice positive values. Sort of a “he’s religious ergo he must have good values.” I don’t immediately make that connection but many do and I sort of find it disappointing that people’s immediate thought is to associate positive values with being religious. Religion can and often does reinforce the practice of positive values but it is not the only means of getting a positive message or education about the importance of being a good person with a sound moral compass. I personally would not point to religion as having a strong influence one way or another on my values. I believe there are many people making poor values choices out there who attend religious services regularly – as many as those who do not regularly attend religious services of some sort.

When it comes to me personally, my values grounding came from my parents and it was reinforced along the way by peers, teachers, community members, things I read about or witnessed on my own. I did go to church regularly until I was about 10 years old but when I resisted continuing my parents let me make that choice. My parents felt it important for us, their children, to be exposed to religion but also made it clear that they did not feel going to church was required in order practice a religion, to have faith, to be a good person or to pray. We could be a part of a congregation if we wanted to or it could be more personal if that was our choice. My brother and sister chose to be more involved in church life than I did and my parents let us make those choices. Whatever values lessons my parents felt needed to be imparted were done by them and while church perhaps did or would have reinforced those lessons it was not there that I received that reinforcement – at least not beyond my 10th year.

In my house honesty, kindness and respect were the main values that were underscored by my parents. That’s not to say that other values weren’t stressed and reinforced but those were the big three. Not a whole lot of second chances were given when you were dishonest, unkind or disrespectful. You were punished – first time offenders were not given a break. Their message was clear – these were unacceptable behaviors and would in no way be overlooked. I might get away with arriving home ten or fifteen minutes past my curfew but had I been dishonest about what made me late (usually my just losing track of time or trying to eke out a few more moments of fun on my Friday night), then I was in trouble. My parents didn’t expect me to always agree with them but they always expected me to be respectful in my disagreement. And if I were to be caught being unkind to anyone – person or animal – there was a lecture for sure and then some consequence.

My parents pointed out when these values were practiced in a positive way or in a negative one wherever they were witnessed. They made sure we knew what was the right or wrong way to behave and what making the wrong choice would result in – normally some sort of grounding – no phone, no car, no going out on the weekends, you know, pretty much unimaginable stuff for a teenager (the years when these values needed the most reinforcement). Somehow they made us see how our positive behaviors reflected positively on others and how the opposite was also true.

The reinforcement didn’t just come from my parents, although they were the primary educators and models for us to follow. I had friends, parents of friends, teachers, coaches, family friends, relatives, and others who mostly set positive values examples. I had friends who got in trouble for lying and being disrespectful – they weren’t getting away with that either. I had teachers who called kids out on disrespectful and uncivil behaviors. I remember being shocked at how rude and unkind some kids were to their elders or people in authority and thought it such ugly behavior. Seeing the bad had an impact too – I didn’t want to be viewed the way I viewed some of my classmates. I had coaches who stressed how important it was to have strong character – forget about winning (although that was highly encouraged and exalted when it occurred) – being a good sport, a good person was a requirement. I am not sure that is still stressed as much today but it should be. I had an incredible ‘support network’ when it came to positive values reinforcement. I was taught well by my parents and in many ways probably got lucky with the positive examples I had to follow, which I feel were many. I am certain many of the people setting positive examples for me were having their positive values practice reinforced by others, including their church leaders if they attended church, and all of the other connections in their lives.

Our values lie within us and there are many ways by which the practice of positive values can be reinforced. Religious teachings can and do reinforce the practice of positive values but it is just one means of getting that reinforcement, not the only means. This tells me that folks who go to church regularly may be honest or dishonest as much of the time as those who don’t. Why? Because, as I said, religion is just but one means of receiving a positive message. If you don’t regularly attend religious services but have positive influences in your life then aren’t you just as likely to practice positive values as those who attend religious services regularly and also have positive influences in their lives? It would reason that those who are regularly exposed to negative values examples, perhaps seeing people getting away with lying, cheating or being dishonest in other ways, may be more likely to emulate those behaviors themselves regardless of whether they attend regular religious services. Religion can strongly reinforce positive values practice but it cannot alone keep folks on track if the other influences in their lives are not so positive. I am all for what helps reinforce the practice of positive values. Religion may have a positive influence on one’s values but I don’t think it is a requirement. I believe we can all be good people practicing positive values with or without it.

What do you think? Do the findings in the study of college students and their honesty surprise you? Why? What or who influences your practice of positive values?

Is There a Formula for Joy?

There have been 54,000 studies on depression and only 415 on happiness according to psychologist Dan Baker. Baker, in What Happy People Know, says that "happiness can be practiced and managed.” He says practicing appreciation and love makes us happy.

It certainly makes sense that there are more studies on depression versus happiness. We want to “fix” the depressed but there really isn’t a need to “fix” happiness. Of course, perhaps looking into what plays into making people happy and how you can achieve or practice happiness in one’s life could play into curing or improving those who suffer from depression. I think we could all benefit from a little education on how to be happier or how to be better at focusing on what makes us happy.

There are many things that make people happy. I think it is normal for folks to focus on the negative – to dwell on it – for those things tend to stand out like the proverbial sore thumb. When things don’t go right we spend a lot of time trying to figure out why, wondering how we could have done things differently, what preventive measures we can take the next time, how bad the consequences might be, etc. When things go right we are sort of in that “everything is as it should be” place therefore feeling no need to dwell, right? But maybe we should. Maybe we need to push past the “bad” more quickly and wallow in the good a little longer? Sounds like a good idea to me anyway. There is way more in my life that makes me happy than what makes me unhappy so what’s the point in letting that smaller percentage of unhappy stuff define my mood or general outlook? It doesn’t make sense. What I think makes sense is to remind ourselves every day – on the good and the bad days – of just few things that make us happy. Things we appreciate or are grateful for that indeed are a link to or a cause of happiness for us. Here is my short list for today.

1. A few days of Spring-like weather in the middle of what’s normally a very cold month.
2. The fun and whimsical movie Hotel for Dogs which is still making me smile days after seeing it with my daughter.
3. My little dog and her wiggly tail.
4. Good books to read.
5. Fresh made iced tea in my fridge.

These may not seem like big things but they are things for which I am grateful today and that bring a happy smile to my face. Tomorrow my list may include some the same things as today or may be different. Here’s the thing, whatever makes you happy doesn’t have to be grand or complex or expensive or “big” in any other way. Nor does everything on “the list” have to be static even though it’s likely many things are – like friends or kids or family. What makes one happy can vary from day to day or hour to hour. Recognizing the happy in little things and focusing on achieving happiness in your life is something that has an immediate pay off – and that’s something we could all use these days.

What makes you happy? What can you do to be happier?

Who Benefits from Empathy?

“You don’t understand me.” How many times have you heard that? Empathy is a key to understanding people. To empathize with someone is to put one’s self in the other person’s shoes. When we understand the perspective of others, we understand them better. When people sense our empathy, they are likely to respect us because they appreciate our understanding.

The way in which I often start off being empathetic is by not judging or by wearing on my face any sort of emotional reaction. When a friend confides in me about an issue with his child, I do not rush to judge nor do I act shocked or surprised at whatever is being said. I often start off by saying I am sorry – sorry for whatever issue, crisis, upset is being shared.

People often feel they cannot be empathetic if they have not had a similar experience. I do not believe that is true. We can all imagine what our lives would be like if we won the lottery so why is it that we cannot imagine what it would be like to have a troubled child, to have lost a job, to have had our feelings hurt by a friend or partner, to have suffered some sort of setback or sadness in our lives?

If I put myself in the shoes of someone else – try to really feel and understand what they must be going through – then I will be better able to help another solve a problem, ease the pain, see the light. What good am I if all I can offer is a “Wow, that must really stink for you.” Not helpful. Not empathetic.

Empathy can be expressed in many ways – some simple, some more involved. Here are a few ways I try to express empathy:

• By just listening.
• Offering assistance in whatever way I can – be that emotional support or actually physically doing something.
• Sharing a similar experience and how I worked through it.
• Giving a hug.
• Being a shoulder to cry on or sometimes crying along with the person.
• Sending cards or notes of encouragement.
• Offering up helpful resources.
• Trying to give useful advice.
• By not being judgmental.
• Making myself available – emotionally and physically – for support.
• By remembering that you do not have to agree with people to be empathetic. (This is important!)

I also think it’s incredibly important to show one’s own children empathy. How often do they feel misunderstood? Treated unfairly? Stereotyped because they are teenagers or “too young to understand”? Sometimes I really don’t understand why my children feel they way they do just as my parents didn’t always understand my feelings. I try to remember that I was a kid once which meant I wasn’t always logical or rational or mature. I was very “me-focused” just as they are. Instead of telling my child s/he was wrong or pointing out that their childish response is, in fact, childish, I listen. I say I understand. I try to calm or alleviate the pain or stress of whatever is going on. I always try to keep it about them even if I am sharing a personal experience or story to help. It’s not easy but I want my kids to feel, to know that I am on their side. Being empathetic means making the other person feel you are on their side; that you understand.

How do you practice empathy?