“You don’t understand me.” How many times have you heard that? Empathy is a key to understanding people. To empathize with someone is to put one’s self in the other person’s shoes. When we understand the perspective of others, we understand them better. When people sense our empathy, they are likely to respect us because they appreciate our understanding.
The way in which I often start off being empathetic is by not judging or by wearing on my face any sort of emotional reaction. When a friend confides in me about an issue with his child, I do not rush to judge nor do I act shocked or surprised at whatever is being said. I often start off by saying I am sorry – sorry for whatever issue, crisis, upset is being shared.
People often feel they cannot be empathetic if they have not had a similar experience. I do not believe that is true. We can all imagine what our lives would be like if we won the lottery so why is it that we cannot imagine what it would be like to have a troubled child, to have lost a job, to have had our feelings hurt by a friend or partner, to have suffered some sort of setback or sadness in our lives?
If I put myself in the shoes of someone else – try to really feel and understand what they must be going through – then I will be better able to help another solve a problem, ease the pain, see the light. What good am I if all I can offer is a “Wow, that must really stink for you.” Not helpful. Not empathetic.
Empathy can be expressed in many ways – some simple, some more involved. Here are a few ways I try to express empathy:
- By just listening.
- Offering assistance in whatever way I can – be that emotional support or actually physically doing something.
- Sharing a similar experience and how I worked through it.
- Giving a hug.
- Being a shoulder to cry on or sometimes crying along with the person.
- Sending cards or notes of encouragement.
- Offering up helpful resources.
- Trying to give useful advice.
- By not being judgmental.
- Making myself available – emotionally and physically – for support.
- By remembering that you do not have to agree with people to be empathetic. (This is important!)
I also think it’s incredibly important to show one’s own children empathy. How often do they feel misunderstood? Treated unfairly? Stereotyped because they are teenagers or “too young to understand”? Sometimes I really don’t understand why my children feel they way they do just as my parents didn’t always understand my feelings. I try to remember that I was a kid once which meant I wasn’t always logical or rational or mature. I was very “me-focused” just as they are. Instead of telling my child s/he was wrong or pointing out that their childish response is, in fact, childish, I listen. I say I understand. I try to calm or alleviate the pain or stress of whatever is going on. I always try to keep it about them even if I am sharing a personal experience or story to help. It’s not easy but I want my kids to feel, to know that I am on their side. Being empathetic means making the other person feel you are on their side; that you understand.
How do you practice empathy?
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