Dear Abby on Character

The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back. -- Abigail Van Buren

When I read about people who mistreat children or animals I get very angry. Of course there are women and men who get mistreated as well but, in theory, children and animals are more at the mercy both physically and mentally of their abusers. What drives someone to mistreat someone who cannot fight back? I don’t know what drives such behavior but I can tell you that the people who do it are unkind, uncompassionate, impatient, immature, lacking self-esteem, mean or a combination of many or all of these. On the character scale they rank pretty low. Many of these people commit horrific, criminal acts against others and I readily admit that I have trouble forgiving these people. I do not understand how anyone can physically or emotionally mistreat someone over and over again. It is reprehensible and a person who does so is lacking big time when it comes to character. I can’t think of anything good that comes from mistreating another person – be it by being unkind or taking the mistreatment to a much worse level. People who mistreat others should feel shame, disappointment in themselves, be unhappy with their choices, want to repair or improve their behavior. They may feel powerful or strong but anyone who mistreats someone else is weak – weak in character. The fact that the solution they choose is one of intimidation, or meanness or some sort of emotional or physical mistreatment shows they lack the character, they lack intelligence, they are on some level uncivilized, they lack the strength to handle difficult or maybe just routine situations. They are pathetic, reprehensible beings.

Then you have folks who marginalize those who they deem to be ‘useless’ to them. These me-focused, self-centered individuals befriend people who are of use to them – people who can get them tickets to sports events, into clubs, know where the best places are to eat, can steer business their way, are entertaining, have a beach house, buy the best wine, are influential in some capacity, etc. When it comes to dealing with others they are ‘nice’ to those in positions who can be of some good to them. People who can get them a better deal, move them through a line more quickly, resolve an issue but if you are anyone else, you better get out of their way. When one of these people determines someone can’t give them what they want they often become rude or indignant. They are like children who throw tantrums because they are out of ideas as to how to get what they want. They often don’t hold the door for others, stop to let people cross the street as they are driving through parking lots, look people in the eye who they pass on the sidewalk, acknowledge those they see in their everyday routines with a smile, a nod or a hello. If you can’t help them in some way, shape or form you might as well be invisible. These people are not high up on that character scale either. They are all about themselves. What does one get by being civil to that stranger you pass in the mall? Nothing. Really? Aren’t you perhaps giving something versus getting something when you do something like that? Isn’t that reason enough to do it? Because you might brighten someone’s day? Is it that difficult to utter a thank you, to say hello, to extend a kind gesture for no reason at all other than it’s a nice thing to do? The civil thing to do?

I have always told my children that the best compliment they could ever receive is that they are nice. To be someone described as nice or kind or compassionate is way better than being cool or popular or whatever the word of the week is with kids these days. What gets you far in life or helps you optimize the happiness in your life is being a person of good character – not just when people are watching, not just with the people who you think are in the “right crowd” or people who you think can “do something for you” but all the time or at least most of the time. You don’t want to be known as the person who is “out for himself” or you may just find that you are by yourself most of the time.

If people were to describe you based on how you treated others – those who couldn’t fight back or those who could do you no good – what do you think they would say? Are you okay with that?

Wisdom from the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama says:

1. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
2. Great love and great achievements involve great risk.
3. Approach love and cooking with great abandon.
4. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
5. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

I’m not a follower of or am that aware of the Dalai Lama’s views but I do run across quotes from him on occasion and I tend to agree with much of what I’ve read that he has said. I thought I’d go ahead and share my views on his above thoughts as food for thought.

1. So often we let small things ruin our day. Sometimes we let little things ruin a friendship. A few ill-chosen words by a friend needn’t blot out years of friendship. A little spat over something small – forgetting a lunch date, the voicing of a strong, opposing opinion or maybe a little inconsiderate behavior towards you – should be kept in perspective. Our actions sometimes belie how important someone is to us, especially when those actions are solitary in nature and unrepeated. A little forgiveness can go a long way.

2. Sometimes you have to take risks to reach the pinnacle of something – like love. We often don’t trust ourselves with something so big, so powerful, so potentially rewarding. It’s “safer” to be conservative, to take the easy or uncomplicated path. To achieve greatness in something it often involves reaching beyond your comfort zone, saying yes to your heart and letting your emotions, what you feel inside guide you. It is risky – you may be risking a broken heart or there may be other risks involved – but in taking that risk you may find that great love; that something you didn’t realize was out there for you. Isn’t the possibility of experiencing something that amazing well worth the risks involved?

3. This kind of builds upon #2. You have to throw caution to the wind when you are in love sometimes. You have to let yourself go, lose your inhibitions, give all of yourself to that person you love; you have to take chances, embrace the unexpected, the unknown, the unconventional even. To do so is liberating; it’s invigorating. Be passionate. Be in it with all your heart and soul. If you do you will find an incredible happiness; an incredible gratification.

4. It’s pretty hard not to say “remember when…” when you are angry and trying to make a point or maybe “win”. However, it rarely does much good to drag in past issues when dealing with a current disagreement. Opening old wounds is usually not wise – nor is doing the “I told you so” thing. If you have a disagreement, in order to resolve it quickly you need to keep it in perspective focusing only on it – not linking it to or referring to past transgressions. Deal with the issue at hand. That’s the respectful thing to do.

5. Your home is your refuge, often the center of your universe. You should feel welcome, comfortable and loved when you are there. People create home environments differently. Sometimes they surround themselves with things – heirlooms, pictures, artwork – that remind them of people they have loved or love. These surroundings can bring you physical comfort or give you a good feeling but most important are the people who live in the home and the way that they move about and interact. You won’t be comfortable on that cushy couch if you don’t feel cared about and loved by the people who are in the room with you. You should give of yourself to those with whom you live showing them with your words and your actions that you care. That makes for an environment where love can thrive if it is going to thrive.

I’m not the greatest at number 1. I can be a grudge holder so I need to get better at that for when you hold grudges something little sometimes all of a sudden seems big. I agree 100% with #2 and #3. While not normally a risk-taker I think taking risks for the sake of love is totally worth it and that loving with great abandon, well, it’s the only way if you can let yourself do so. I tend to follow #4 for when I’ve not followed it the waters get muddied and often the issue at hand gets forgotten. I only bring up past issues if dealing with a recurring issue otherwise there is no reason to do so. Lastly #5 – it’s important for children to grow up feeling loved; to see examples of caring people in their homes, their lives, their communities. I try, through my words and actions to be a good example for my children, to make sure that they know what it feels like to be loved, to instill in them the importance of being caring, thoughtful, considerate individuals who will recognize love when it comes to them.

Does your practice of love take seriously the Dalai Lama’s reminders?

Grade Yourself on Happiness

The items below relate to your happiness.

• Feel safe and calm.
• Feel satisfied with personal goals.
• Take time to reflect on positive experiences.
• Have satisfying relationships with others.
• Have fun or find things funny.
• Get immersed in things that you love to do.
• Seek satisfaction in long-term experiences.
• Take time to express gratitude.
• Have the wisdom to know what can be changed.

If I were grading myself on happiness based on the above I think I’d get a B. Let me take a moment to go through the list.

• Feel safe and calm. – B – I feel safe most of the time but not necessarily calm. I get tense kind of easily.
• Feel satisfied with personal goals. – B+ – I do pretty well at this, I could probably focus more and get more done.
• Take time to reflect on positive experiences. – A – I’m a big retrospective person and I don’t tend to dwell on the negative, I mostly try to relive and reflect on experiences I have truly enjoyed, that have been special, unique or unsurpassable in some manner.
• Have satisfying relationships with others. – B+ – Of the relationships I cherish and care about most are satisfying but some could be more so. Other relationships, more fringe-type relationships could, in general, probably be a little better.
• Have fun or find things funny. – A – I can’t imagine not having humor in my life on a daily basis. I am pretty good at finding a little fun or funny in my day.
• Get immersed in things that you love to do. – B – I tend to put things off or tell myself that I don’t have time for some of the things I love to do. I do tend to my interests in some things but not others. I just need to focus a little more on those that aren’t getting as much attention.
• Seek satisfaction in long-term experiences. – B – I am not a patient person so sometimes I get anxious with long-term experiences that involve reaching some sort of goal or end. I need to get better at enjoying the ‘getting there’ process.
• Take time to express gratitude. – A – I think gratitude is one of the most important values to practice. I am very good about expressing my gratitude for others and taking time to ponder what or who I am grateful for.
• Have the wisdom to know what can be changed. – B – I know much of what can be changed but sometimes I find myself puzzled over whether or not change is really possible. I think courage is needed in addition to wisdom to make some changes. I think it’s the courage part that maybe I’m lacking, not the knowing part.

Yeah, so I think I get a solid B. Not bad but there's room for improvement. I would consider myself a generally happy person but there are ways to be even happier. I think how happy we are depends on a few other key values, like:

• Love – do I have things I love that bring me happiness?
• Self-esteem – am I happy with myself?
• Gratitude – are you grateful for all that you have and all the opportunities you are afforded?
• Optimism – do you try to see the positive in challenging situations?
• Responsibility – are you taking care of business not letting things slip through the cracks?

There are certainly other values that play into our happiness but I thought I’d share a few that I think are pretty key. Maybe you have others that give your happiness a boost.

What grade would you give yourself on happiness? What other values help you to be happier?