Dear Abby on Character

The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back. -- Abigail Van Buren

When I read about people who mistreat children or animals I get very angry. Of course there are women and men who get mistreated as well but, in theory, children and animals are more at the mercy both physically and mentally of their abusers. What drives someone to mistreat someone who cannot fight back? I don’t know what drives such behavior but I can tell you that the people who do it are unkind, uncompassionate, impatient, immature, lacking self-esteem, mean or a combination of many or all of these. On the character scale they rank pretty low. Many of these people commit horrific, criminal acts against others and I readily admit that I have trouble forgiving these people. I do not understand how anyone can physically or emotionally mistreat someone over and over again. It is reprehensible and a person who does so is lacking big time when it comes to character. I can’t think of anything good that comes from mistreating another person – be it by being unkind or taking the mistreatment to a much worse level. People who mistreat others should feel shame, disappointment in themselves, be unhappy with their choices, want to repair or improve their behavior. They may feel powerful or strong but anyone who mistreats someone else is weak – weak in character. The fact that the solution they choose is one of intimidation, or meanness or some sort of emotional or physical mistreatment shows they lack the character, they lack intelligence, they are on some level uncivilized, they lack the strength to handle difficult or maybe just routine situations. They are pathetic, reprehensible beings.

Then you have folks who marginalize those who they deem to be ‘useless’ to them. These me-focused, self-centered individuals befriend people who are of use to them – people who can get them tickets to sports events, into clubs, know where the best places are to eat, can steer business their way, are entertaining, have a beach house, buy the best wine, are influential in some capacity, etc. When it comes to dealing with others they are ‘nice’ to those in positions who can be of some good to them. People who can get them a better deal, move them through a line more quickly, resolve an issue but if you are anyone else, you better get out of their way. When one of these people determines someone can’t give them what they want they often become rude or indignant. They are like children who throw tantrums because they are out of ideas as to how to get what they want. They often don’t hold the door for others, stop to let people cross the street as they are driving through parking lots, look people in the eye who they pass on the sidewalk, acknowledge those they see in their everyday routines with a smile, a nod or a hello. If you can’t help them in some way, shape or form you might as well be invisible. These people are not high up on that character scale either. They are all about themselves. What does one get by being civil to that stranger you pass in the mall? Nothing. Really? Aren’t you perhaps giving something versus getting something when you do something like that? Isn’t that reason enough to do it? Because you might brighten someone’s day? Is it that difficult to utter a thank you, to say hello, to extend a kind gesture for no reason at all other than it’s a nice thing to do? The civil thing to do?

I have always told my children that the best compliment they could ever receive is that they are nice. To be someone described as nice or kind or compassionate is way better than being cool or popular or whatever the word of the week is with kids these days. What gets you far in life or helps you optimize the happiness in your life is being a person of good character – not just when people are watching, not just with the people who you think are in the “right crowd” or people who you think can “do something for you” but all the time or at least most of the time. You don’t want to be known as the person who is “out for himself” or you may just find that you are by yourself most of the time.

If people were to describe you based on how you treated others – those who couldn’t fight back or those who could do you no good – what do you think they would say? Are you okay with that?