What Are Your Values?

What Do You Value In Life?

2009-05-18T10:16:00.003-04:00

Nick Fallin, who plays the Guardian in the TV series with the same name, is a different kind of hero. A corporate attorney busted for using drugs, he is forced to put in 1,500 hours of community service as a children’s advocate with Legal Services of Pittsburgh. ... He shows up and works hard for the children he represents, learning in the process what he really values in life—relationships, personal responsibility, and justice for society’s weakest citizens.

Sometimes when we find ourselves in unexpected situations we are shaken into understanding what we really value in life. We have these “Aha” moments and wonder why we never realized it before. We are all so busy being and doing that we don’t often take moments to feel, to think, to get to the heart of what really matters to us in life. Sometimes it takes losing something or someone important to jolt us into seeing the real meaningful stuff of our lives. I recently lost my dog and I valued her tremendously. Fortunately it didn’t take losing her for me to realize that, I knew it all along. I feel good that she led a good, quality, happy life with a family who loved her. I am sure this ache in my chest will subside and I’ll smile instead of cry when I think of her, right? It did seem, though, like a good time to reflect on what I really value in life.

Like Nick Fallin, I value relationships – those with my family, my pets, my friends and many acquaintances. These relationships have added a tremendous value to my life - they have given me the opportunity to love, to feel loved and so, so much more. I value peace – times without conflict, without unnecessary noise, without stress or tension. I value work – doing something, anything, to make things better – for myself, for others – is incredibly satisfying whether the results of that work can be seen from the outside or if only I know it on the inside. I value justice and common sense - I’d like to see these two things practiced in tandem more often at times. I value freedom – big freedoms like we have in the United States and that are outlined in our Constitution and little or less talked about, maybe, freedoms – the choices and independence we have in our daily lives. Tea or coffee? Buy or rent? Big dog or little dog? Read a book or watch TV? Baseball or soccer or neither? Treadmill or stairmaster? I value that I have choices and the independence to make those choices. They enhance my living. I guess that’s really what I value – anything that enhances my truly living, feeling and enjoying life.

What do you really value in life?

Good for Goodness Sake

2009-05-06T16:16:00.004-04:00

The American Humanist Association paid for ads in buses with the message, “Why believe in God? Just be good for goodness’ sake.” An Association representative stated, “Moral values come with being civilized and need not come from God.”

I remember reading about those ads in The Washington Post when they came out. There were some comments about how the ads were anti-religious but that is not how I saw it. I didn’t know there was such a thing as the American Humanist Society but I am in agreement with their “Just be good for goodness sake.” advice. In my opinion it is good advice no matter what your religion, whether you even follow a religion or are unsure as to what you believe or are a non-believer. I also agree that having moral values need not come from God or any particular religion. People can have a sound set of moral values in the absence of religion – I believe that anyway. That being said I do think people need to have the positive values they practice reinforced by some means.

There are many influences in our lives that play a role in the type of people we are. The way our values systems have been fed and cared for and the examples we’ve been exposed help determine whether we are honest or liars, kind or mean-spirited, grateful or unappreciative. What we learn in church or through religious teachings can influence us in a positive way and I’m all for anything that reinforces the practice of positive values. To be a good person, however, I don’t believe you have to follow a specific religion or believe in God; you don’t have to have parents who are constantly exhibiting the practice of positive values; you don’t have to live in a supportive community where people interact politely and do things for one another. Of course all of that would be helpful even if not absolutely required. You do, however, have to have some concept of why practicing your values in a positive way is a good thing. Having people set good examples for you helps; having parents and educators who reinforce the practice of these positive values helps; hearing stories from the Bible or other religious texts or sermons that extol the practice of positive values helps.

I think being civilized does bring with it an inherent decency but that “good” has to be fed and cared for. Some people can just be good for goodness sake. They can see the benefits of it. Others need or may want affirmation from many areas of their life to keep them on track – family, friends, community, work, school and church are all areas in our lives that can give a boost to our “goodness”. So while I agree with the American Humanist Association I also think that whatever works for people, that whatever drives them or helps them to be a good person, to be a person of integrity would be a good investment of their time or energy. If God or religion does that for them, then by all means, make that investment.

What do you think? Do you agree with The American Humanist Association? Why?

Dear Abby on Character

2009-04-27T06:47:00.002-04:00

The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back. -- Abigail Van Buren

When I read about people who mistreat children or animals I get very angry. Of course there are women and men who get mistreated as well but, in theory, children and animals are more at the mercy both physically and mentally of their abusers. What drives someone to mistreat someone who cannot fight back? I don’t know what drives such behavior but I can tell you that the people who do it are unkind, uncompassionate, impatient, immature, lacking self-esteem, mean or a combination of many or all of these. On the character scale they rank pretty low. Many of these people commit horrific, criminal acts against others and I readily admit that I have trouble forgiving these people. I do not understand how anyone can physically or emotionally mistreat someone over and over again. It is reprehensible and a person who does so is lacking big time when it comes to character. I can’t think of anything good that comes from mistreating another person – be it by being unkind or taking the mistreatment to a much worse level. People who mistreat others should feel shame, disappointment in themselves, be unhappy with their choices, want to repair or improve their behavior. They may feel powerful or strong but anyone who mistreats someone else is weak – weak in character. The fact that the solution they choose is one of intimidation, or meanness or some sort of emotional or physical mistreatment shows they lack the character, they lack intelligence, they are on some level uncivilized, they lack the strength to handle difficult or maybe just routine situations. They are pathetic, reprehensible beings.

Then you have folks who marginalize those who they deem to be ‘useless’ to them. These me-focused, self-centered individuals befriend people who are of use to them – people who can get them tickets to sports events, into clubs, know where the best places are to eat, can steer business their way, are entertaining, have a beach house, buy the best wine, are influential in some capacity, etc. When it comes to dealing with others they are ‘nice’ to those in positions who can be of some good to them. People who can get them a better deal, move them through a line more quickly, resolve an issue but if you are anyone else, you better get out of their way. When one of these people determines someone can’t give them what they want they often become rude or indignant. They are like children who throw tantrums because they are out of ideas as to how to get what they want. They often don’t hold the door for others, stop to let people cross the street as they are driving through parking lots, look people in the eye who they pass on the sidewalk, acknowledge those they see in their everyday routines with a smile, a nod or a hello. If you can’t help them in some way, shape or form you might as well be invisible. These people are not high up on that character scale either. They are all about themselves. What does one get by being civil to that stranger you pass in the mall? Nothing. Really? Aren’t you perhaps giving something versus getting something when you do something like that? Isn’t that reason enough to do it? Because you might brighten someone’s day? Is it that difficult to utter a thank you, to say hello, to extend a kind gesture for no reason at all other than it’s a nice thing to do? The civil thing to do?

I have always told my children that the best compliment they could ever receive is that they are nice. To be someone described as nice or kind or compassionate is way better than being cool or popular or whatever the word of the week is with kids these days. What gets you far in life or helps you optimize the happiness in your life is being a person of good character – not just when people are watching, not just with the people who you think are in the “right crowd” or people who you think can “do something for you” but all the time or at least most of the time. You don’t want to be known as the person who is “out for himself” or you may just find that you are by yourself most of the time.

If people were to describe you based on how you treated others – those who couldn’t fight back or those who could do you no good – what do you think they would say? Are you okay with that?

Wisdom from the Dalai Lama

2009-04-16T21:14:00.003-04:00

The Dalai Lama says:

1. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
2. Great love and great achievements involve great risk.
3. Approach love and cooking with great abandon.
4. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
5. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

I’m not a follower of or am that aware of the Dalai Lama’s views but I do run across quotes from him on occasion and I tend to agree with much of what I’ve read that he has said. I thought I’d go ahead and share my views on his above thoughts as food for thought.

1. So often we let small things ruin our day. Sometimes we let little things ruin a friendship. A few ill-chosen words by a friend needn’t blot out years of friendship. A little spat over something small – forgetting a lunch date, the voicing of a strong, opposing opinion or maybe a little inconsiderate behavior towards you – should be kept in perspective. Our actions sometimes belie how important someone is to us, especially when those actions are solitary in nature and unrepeated. A little forgiveness can go a long way.

2. Sometimes you have to take risks to reach the pinnacle of something – like love. We often don’t trust ourselves with something so big, so powerful, so potentially rewarding. It’s “safer” to be conservative, to take the easy or uncomplicated path. To achieve greatness in something it often involves reaching beyond your comfort zone, saying yes to your heart and letting your emotions, what you feel inside guide you. It is risky – you may be risking a broken heart or there may be other risks involved – but in taking that risk you may find that great love; that something you didn’t realize was out there for you. Isn’t the possibility of experiencing something that amazing well worth the risks involved?

3. This kind of builds upon #2. You have to throw caution to the wind when you are in love sometimes. You have to let yourself go, lose your inhibitions, give all of yourself to that person you love; you have to take chances, embrace the unexpected, the unknown, the unconventional even. To do so is liberating; it’s invigorating. Be passionate. Be in it with all your heart and soul. If you do you will find an incredible happiness; an incredible gratification.

4. It’s pretty hard not to say “remember when…” when you are angry and trying to make a point or maybe “win”. However, it rarely does much good to drag in past issues when dealing with a current disagreement. Opening old wounds is usually not wise – nor is doing the “I told you so” thing. If you have a disagreement, in order to resolve it quickly you need to keep it in perspective focusing only on it – not linking it to or referring to past transgressions. Deal with the issue at hand. That’s the respectful thing to do.

5. Your home is your refuge, often the center of your universe. You should feel welcome, comfortable and loved when you are there. People create home environments differently. Sometimes they surround themselves with things – heirlooms, pictures, artwork – that remind them of people they have loved or love. These surroundings can bring you physical comfort or give you a good feeling but most important are the people who live in the home and the way that they move about and interact. You won’t be comfortable on that cushy couch if you don’t feel cared about and loved by the people who are in the room with you. You should give of yourself to those with whom you live showing them with your words and your actions that you care. That makes for an environment where love can thrive if it is going to thrive.

I’m not the greatest at number 1. I can be a grudge holder so I need to get better at that for when you hold grudges something little sometimes all of a sudden seems big. I agree 100% with #2 and #3. While not normally a risk-taker I think taking risks for the sake of love is totally worth it and that loving with great abandon, well, it’s the only way if you can let yourself do so. I tend to follow #4 for when I’ve not followed it the waters get muddied and often the issue at hand gets forgotten. I only bring up past issues if dealing with a recurring issue otherwise there is no reason to do so. Lastly #5 – it’s important for children to grow up feeling loved; to see examples of caring people in their homes, their lives, their communities. I try, through my words and actions to be a good example for my children, to make sure that they know what it feels like to be loved, to instill in them the importance of being caring, thoughtful, considerate individuals who will recognize love when it comes to them.

Does your practice of love take seriously the Dalai Lama’s reminders?

Grade Yourself on Happiness

2009-04-01T16:55:00.002-04:00

The items below relate to your happiness.

Feel safe and calm.
Feel satisfied with personal goals.
Take time to reflect on positive experiences.
Have satisfying relationships with others.
Have fun or find things funny.
Get immersed in things that you love to do.
Seek satisfaction in long-term experiences.
Take time to express gratitude.
Have the wisdom to know what can be changed.

If I were grading myself on happiness based on the above I think I’d get a B. Let me take a moment to go through the list.

Feel safe and calm. – B – I feel safe most of the time but not necessarily calm. I get tense kind of easily.
Feel satisfied with personal goals. – B+ – I do pretty well at this, I could probably focus more and get more done.
Take time to reflect on positive experiences. – A – I’m a big retrospective person and I don’t tend to dwell on the negative, I mostly try to relive and reflect on experiences I have truly enjoyed, that have been special, unique or unsurpassable in some manner.
Have satisfying relationships with others. – B+ – Of the relationships I cherish and care about most are satisfying but some could be more so. Other relationships, more fringe-type relationships could, in general, probably be a little better.
Have fun or find things funny. – A – I can’t imagine not having humor in my life on a daily basis. I am pretty good at finding a little fun or funny in my day.
Get immersed in things that you love to do. – B – I tend to put things off or tell myself that I don’t have time for some of the things I love to do. I do tend to my interests in some things but not others. I just need to focus a little more on those that aren’t getting as much attention.
Seek satisfaction in long-term experiences. – B – I am not a patient person so sometimes I get anxious with long-term experiences that involve reaching some sort of goal or end. I need to get better at enjoying the ‘getting there’ process.
Take time to express gratitude. – A – I think gratitude is one of the most important values to practice. I am very good about expressing my gratitude for others and taking time to ponder what or who I am grateful for.
Have the wisdom to know what can be changed. – B – I know much of what can be changed but sometimes I find myself puzzled over whether or not change is really possible. I think courage is needed in addition to wisdom to make some changes. I think it’s the courage part that maybe I’m lacking, not the knowing part.

Yeah, so I think I get a solid B. Not bad but there's room for improvement. I would consider myself a generally happy person but there are ways to be even happier. I think how happy we are depends on a few other key values, like:

Love – do I have things I love that bring me happiness?
Self-esteem – am I happy with myself?
Gratitude – are you grateful for all that you have and all the opportunities you are afforded?
Optimism – do you try to see the positive in challenging situations?
Responsibility – are you taking care of business not letting things slip through the cracks?

There are certainly other values that play into our happiness but I thought I’d share a few that I think are pretty key. Maybe you have others that give your happiness a boost.

What grade would you give yourself on happiness? What other values help you to be happier?

The Essence of Achievement

2009-03-25T09:16:00.003-04:00

He resigned from the National Academy of Sciences and turned down honorary degrees from Columbia and the University of Chicago. He accepted his Nobel Prize for his work on quantum electrodynamics. But Richard Feynman’s viewpoint, expressed in a radio interview, was, “I don’t like honors. The real prize is the pleasure of finding the thing out.”

I’m with Richard on this one. While some people enjoy filling their shelves with trophies, medals, certificates and other awards for recognition, others are content with or prefer not to have attention brought to them in this manner.

There are many ways in which people can feel that they have achieved something – whether it’s a personal or professional accomplishment. For me I feel a sense of achievement when:

I’ve completed a task or reached a goal I have set for myself.
I am content or happy at the end of “the thing”.
I have made an impact on others; I can see or sense a feeling of gratitude, happiness or love from another because of something that I’ve done or contributed to.
I do not feel like something has been left undone or is needing attention.
I am being responsible and accountable, even if things aren’t going quite as planned.
I am delivering quality in my efforts, in my work – whatever the deliverables may be.
I am living well – fiscally, physically and psychologically/emotionally.

Awards and honors can be nice, they certainly aren’t a bad thing. Some people need concrete things, things one can hold onto to reassure them of their achievements – written evaluations, certificates, bonuses. Some need to write lists and check things off as evidence of their achievements. Others measure their achievements by quantity or rank – what their job titles are, the balance of their bank accounts, how long they’ve been married or been with a company. I don’t think these measures, however, are always a good way to assess achievement; sometimes, I think they more aptly reflect one’s perseverance than their achievements. We can fool ourselves into thinking we’ve accomplished more than we really have when we only look at things from a quantitative perspective.

Self-assessing can be difficult for some but it’s a very useful skill. I choose to assess my achievements based on whether I or others can see values like quality, happiness, gratitude, love, accountability, determination and completeness in whatever I’m doing or in whatever the final outcome is.

What brings you a sense of achievement?

To Be Really Rich

2009-03-18T12:01:00.001-04:00

Charles Collier, in his book, Wealth in Families, says, “In the end, what we really care about is much deeper than financial wealth. The desire for meaning and genuine connection will always transcend wealth. As my father wrote many years ago, ‘To be really rich is to be rich in achievement, rich in experience, and rich in friendship.’”

This is quite timely considering the state of our economy these days. Many people who thought themselves rich or doing well financially are now not feeling quite so confident in this aspect of their lives. There are a few folks – experts or authorities – being interviewed who are saying that it’s time to get back to basics, back to the things that are really important like friends, family, interests – things we care about. My question is, why do we have to go “back” there? Regardless of our financial well-being, shouldn’t those things always be at the top of our list? Have we become so accustomed to assessing how valuable things are in our life by looking at price tags? Do we let those price tags define how “rich” our lives are? How happy we are? Do we rate our personal “richness” by the size of our home? The quantity of cars in our driveway? Or how many big screen televisions we have? I think many people do look at these things as what defines a good life; as what makes them rich. And I think they are wrong – or at least really missing out. I think the size of our hearts is way more important; the frequency with which we smile and laugh; the depth of our friendships (not the number of friends); how deep we love; how moved we are by things that we care about. Those are the irreplaceable “things” in our lives. Priceless, as they say.

Don’t get me wrong, a comfortable life is great. A nice home to live in, comfy furniture and non-essential luxuries are all appreciated and enjoyed but we’ve heard time and again about tornados or fires completely destroying homes and what is longed for most in the wreckage are the photos, the memories, the stuff that cannot be replaced with an insurance check. I might love my sofa but it wouldn’t really be that hard to replace it. If I lost my best friend, however, I’d never stop grieving.

So, do I consider myself rich? Absolutely. I have people in my life who I cannot imagine living without. People who make me laugh and who can move me to tears. People who I am sad to have to say goodbye to whenever we are together and must part. There are never-ending interests and curiosities that feed my brain and body. There is work and there is play – from both I grow and become more educated in one way or another. These things are far more important than any thing I own. And while I know things can have meaning – heirlooms and special gifts – what is it that gives those things their meaning? The price tags? No. It’s the connection to a person that makes any ‘thing’ special or meaningful.

Things themselves are nice, even bringing fun and entertainment at times but when you get down to it, they are not really what “does it” for us. A cottage in the Caribbean is a dream but incomplete if it does not include that special someone to share it with. A glass of merlot can taste lovely but isn’t it better when you’re sharing the bottle with a friend? The big game on the big screen television can look amazing and certainly be enjoyed by the sports fan, but isn’t the experience enhanced when you include friends and family?

We work our whole lives to have the best life we can, to provide ourselves and our families with as much opportunity to thrive as we possibly can. There is nothing wrong with that. What I think is wrong, or certainly unfortunate, is if you forget along the way what’s really important to you on the inside, what really does it for you in your heart. I’ve never felt touched by an expensive piece of furniture, a nice oriental rug, a fancy car – I’ve appreciated them, maybe even wanted them or bought them but never have I felt a real connection with a material object. I have, however, experienced love, passion, friendship, camaraderie, humor, sadness, happiness, success, failure, joy and grief well beyond what I could have ever imagined in my life. And this is what I think makes me really rich.

Do you think of yourself as “really rich?” Why?

“Surprised To Be Fired”

2009-03-13T12:19:00.002-04:00

A few years ago a New York Yankee million-dollar-a-year outfielder was dismissed after confessing to the theft of a teammate’s bat and glove. He reportedly sold the glove for $2,500. According to U.S. News & World Report, “the outfielder said that he was surprised to be fired: ‘I didn’t kill anyone. I just made a mistake and I’ve repented’.”

This raises the question: Should moral standards be different for celebrities than ordinary people?

No, I don’t think so but let’s see, if someone at a company was caught stealing a $2500 laptop computer s/he would likely be fired so why should a major league baseball player be held to a different standard? Sure, he made a mistake and there were consequences: he was fired. He wasn’t sent to jail like an actual killer would be so his analogy there is way off the mark. People don’t get fired for killing the boss, they go to jail for the rest of their life. People get fired for stealing from companies so he was punished appropriately.

Now, I will say that the celebrity factor does come into play with matters such as this. I was just having this conversation with my husband the other evening after reading an article in Sports Illustrated about Michael Vick’s potential return to the NFL. If you recall, Vick was the ring leader of an illegal and incredibly cruel dog fighting operation on his property. His punishment was a jail sentence. He has also suffered additional consequences financially speaking and, of course, to his reputation. Animal lovers are unforgiving. I’m one of them. What he did was unforgivable in my eyes. I would not hire him but I’m not saying he shouldn’t be hired. My husband said in our conversation “there are plenty of thugs in the NFL who after doing their time have been rehired so why should Vick be treated differently?” I will have to forget, in order to stay on topic, the part where he said “there are plenty of thugs in the NFL” but the NFL really should do something about the fact that there are apparently enough public objectionable incidences and/or actual crimes being committed by their players that someone could make such a sweeping statement. But, back to Vick and the standard by which celebrities should be judged.

My opinion on this matter is that if you are being paid a salary – and in the case of celebrities that salary can be in the multi-million range – then your employer has every right to expect you to behave in a certain way. If your image gives the organization for which you work a proverbial black eye then why should you be hired? If a slick salesman, well-known for his reputation of being less than honest with his clients, alienating and upsetting them, applied for a job at company do you think he’d be hired? No. Should that reputation continue to hurt him forever? Well, if he continues to behave in a manner that is detrimental to a company then yes but if he proves, by way of having a sales job where he has made clients happy and has started a track record that shows he is no longer “slick” and has changed his ways, then sure, he should be given another chance. Giving Vick a job right out of prison, I think, is irresponsible. For one, ex-cons will tell you themselves that prison is itself not rehabilitation. How do we know Vick or any other ex-con who is playing on the football field has been rehabilitated? Where’s the track record that proves that? I don’t think people who have committed crimes should be forever marked by that experience and forever labeled as “bad” or “unemployable” but they shouldn’t get free passes either because they are famous.

Employers have codes of conduct, they have dress codes, and they have rules by which employees must adhere or they risk losing their jobs. There was a small uproar when the NBA requested players “dress” for games. This meant they had to wear something akin to a suit. If I recall they had to wear a jacket, no jeans slung low on their rears; they had to look professional, basically. I was appalled to hear the complaints by some of the players. My reaction: “You are being paid millions. How dare you complain when your boss tells you to present a professional image on game day?” What a bunch of whiners. And hello – like it or not you and whether it’s right or not kids do look up to you, they do try to emulate you and not just how you play on the court or on the field, they watch your every move – they want to dress like you, act like you. Do you want to be responsible for some kid thinking it’s okay to be disrespectful to women because you are? Do you want some kid to think carrying a gun to some club is okay because you did it? And what if went off by accident resulted in a fatality? Do you want some kid to think it’s okay to have five different kids by five different women, none of whom are your wife? Do you want to convey that fighting is the way to resolve your issues with other people? I mean really, I would think it’s a no-brainer to not want to convey these images to the people who look to you as a role model. I would think it shouldn’t take a whole lot to keep you from behaving like a civilized human being with a decent set of values but the risk of losing a multi-million dollar contract, one would think, would be a pretty good deterrent.

It think it appears that we “ordinary people” hold celebrities to a different moral standard because their mistakes are aired on television and it’s news. We ordinary people don’t get on the news for calling a referee a bad name or driving while intoxicated. It’s not rocket science – you’re famous, you’re newsworthy. Giving your mistake air time doesn’t mean anyone is holding you to a different moral standard, it’s just being talked about publicly. Call us ordinary people crazy but I think you should know that if scads of paparazzi follow you on a regular basis then that little rendezvous with that person who is not your spouse is going to be caught on film. Or did you think that that along with things like getting drunk and passing out on the street would go unnoticed? Or did you feel that your little tirade after the game when you met the press was a wise move the media would just forgive and not air? I recognize – and I think most people recognize – that celebrities indeed live in a different world than we do; that their every move is scrutinized. Of course, that is but one reason they are so highly paid. Still, it has to be tremendously stressful to be under the microscope all the time, especially if you are in that “super star” category. Do I think it’s fair that when a celebrity makes a mistake or finds himself in an unflattering situation that their picture is plastered on the front page of the paper and the news shows lead with the story? Yes, I actually do think it is fair. It’s unfortunate, yes, and I even feel badly sometimes for some of these celebrities for mistakes do happen in our lives and most of us don’t have to work through them with the public watching and blogging about us but it does sort of go with the territory. Trying to claim any ignorance of that fact of celebrity life is well, ignorant. It’s no secret. If you choose to ignore that condition of your celebrity and make a poor choice then you must accept the consequences – whether in a court of law or the court of public opinion, which can sometimes be the harsher of the two.

So, to answer the question I posed again: no, moral standards should not be different for celebrities than ordinary people. People, no matter who you are, should be held to the same standards. The paths we choose in life – the career choices we make – however, do bring with them different stipulations, conditions and consequences when we falter. Company CEOs are held to higher standards than an entry level clerk. The CEO is paid more for s/he has more at stake and will pay a higher price professionally if he fails in his role. The more prominent the position, the greater risk you are taking personally and professionally. It’s part of the price you pay to be in the position you’re in. So, for celebrities who falter, do we need to try to keep the mistake in perspective? Sure, but so do they. Celebrities are cut many a break and given many perks along the way in their careers. For these they should be, and hopefully are, grateful. They are being lauded, applauded and adored because they are celebrities. Do they deserve this praise solely because of their status? Nope, but it goes with the territory of “celebrity”. So the same should be true for when they mess up. They must not only suffer the same, reasonable and just consequences of their mistake like the rest of us ordinary folks would, they also have to endure the public scrutiny that comes with their status. They can’t have it both ways. As sorry as I may feel for famous people having to live out their lives in the public eye at times, I simply don’t feel sorry for any harsh judgments people make when they’ve made very poor values choices. There are little mistakes that just about anyone can forgive – the ones we can imagine doing ourselves – but when it’s stealing a teammate’s baseball glove and then selling it for economic gain, running a dog fight operation on your property, being arrested over and over again for assault, drunk driving or domestic abuse you are going to be judged harshly, as would anyone. I have seen reports of people who are not famous being arrested for running dog fighting operations. They are on television. Their crime is as heinous and horrendous as Vick’s and they will serve the same type of jail sentence as he did. The only difference between the two cases is that Vick was known before he made his mistake and this non-famous person was not. I guarantee you, however, that the non-famous person will always be remembered by the people who knew him as the guy who got caught running a cruel dog fighting operation. Vick will also always be known that way – there are just a lot more people who know happen to know him. It’s what comes with the territory.

Listen to Their Definitions of Love

2009-03-06T15:29:00.002-05:00

An Internet article reports that 4 to 8 year-olds say love means:

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.

I like these definitions. They are honest and you can see how these children sense the love in these moments. I thought I’d try to add a few images to the list. I’m not 4 to 8 years old, in fact I’m closer to 48 than I am to 4 or 8 so my answers may not be nearly as cute as a result.

Love is when your husband gets up every morning at 4:30 a.m. with your elderly dog to take her outside.
Love is doing the same bedtime ritual with your child every night – even when he has become a teenager.
Love is your teenage son coming to get you for that ritual if you’re taking too long getting to his room.
Love is a child who always wants to help; to help clean, cook, rake leaves, shovel snow, wash the car, you name it, just to be with you.
Love is a brother telling his sister that her new eye glasses look good.
Love is a hug, a smile, a nod, a wink, or any kind, yet silent, gesture of caring or understanding.
Love is listening. Really listening. Then not saying “I told you so.”
Love is that ache you feel inside when another is sad or in pain.
Love is stopping to help a stray or lost dog find its way home.
Love is letting your child crawl into bed with you after a nightmare even though you know she will kick you the rest of the night.

What would you add to these definitions?

Religion Not Always the Driving Force

2009-02-25T16:59:00.001-05:00

In a study of college students, there was a slight correlation between altruism and belief in God. Nonbelievers, nearly as frequently, rated as good Samaritans, having love and compassion for their fellow man, and being humble as the most devout. In a study of college students, their religious beliefs had little to do with their honesty.

These findings really didn’t surprise me. I do think there is often a connection or belief that those who are religious practice positive values. Sort of a “he’s religious ergo he must have good values.” I don’t immediately make that connection but many do and I sort of find it disappointing that people’s immediate thought is to associate positive values with being religious. Religion can and often does reinforce the practice of positive values but it is not the only means of getting a positive message or education about the importance of being a good person with a sound moral compass. I personally would not point to religion as having a strong influence one way or another on my values. I believe there are many people making poor values choices out there who attend religious services regularly – as many as those who do not regularly attend religious services of some sort.

When it comes to me personally, my values grounding came from my parents and it was reinforced along the way by peers, teachers, community members, things I read about or witnessed on my own. I did go to church regularly until I was about 10 years old but when I resisted continuing my parents let me make that choice. My parents felt it important for us, their children, to be exposed to religion but also made it clear that they did not feel going to church was required in order practice a religion, to have faith, to be a good person or to pray. We could be a part of a congregation if we wanted to or it could be more personal if that was our choice. My brother and sister chose to be more involved in church life than I did and my parents let us make those choices. Whatever values lessons my parents felt needed to be imparted were done by them and while church perhaps did or would have reinforced those lessons it was not there that I received that reinforcement – at least not beyond my 10th year.

In my house honesty, kindness and respect were the main values that were underscored by my parents. That’s not to say that other values weren’t stressed and reinforced but those were the big three. Not a whole lot of second chances were given when you were dishonest, unkind or disrespectful. You were punished – first time offenders were not given a break. Their message was clear – these were unacceptable behaviors and would in no way be overlooked. I might get away with arriving home ten or fifteen minutes past my curfew but had I been dishonest about what made me late (usually my just losing track of time or trying to eke out a few more moments of fun on my Friday night), then I was in trouble. My parents didn’t expect me to always agree with them but they always expected me to be respectful in my disagreement. And if I were to be caught being unkind to anyone – person or animal – there was a lecture for sure and then some consequence.

My parents pointed out when these values were practiced in a positive way or in a negative one wherever they were witnessed. They made sure we knew what was the right or wrong way to behave and what making the wrong choice would result in – normally some sort of grounding – no phone, no car, no going out on the weekends, you know, pretty much unimaginable stuff for a teenager (the years when these values needed the most reinforcement). Somehow they made us see how our positive behaviors reflected positively on others and how the opposite was also true.

The reinforcement didn’t just come from my parents, although they were the primary educators and models for us to follow. I had friends, parents of friends, teachers, coaches, family friends, relatives, and others who mostly set positive values examples. I had friends who got in trouble for lying and being disrespectful – they weren’t getting away with that either. I had teachers who called kids out on disrespectful and uncivil behaviors. I remember being shocked at how rude and unkind some kids were to their elders or people in authority and thought it such ugly behavior. Seeing the bad had an impact too – I didn’t want to be viewed the way I viewed some of my classmates. I had coaches who stressed how important it was to have strong character – forget about winning (although that was highly encouraged and exalted when it occurred) – being a good sport, a good person was a requirement. I am not sure that is still stressed as much today but it should be. I had an incredible ‘support network’ when it came to positive values reinforcement. I was taught well by my parents and in many ways probably got lucky with the positive examples I had to follow, which I feel were many. I am certain many of the people setting positive examples for me were having their positive values practice reinforced by others, including their church leaders if they attended church, and all of the other connections in their lives.

Our values lie within us and there are many ways by which the practice of positive values can be reinforced. Religious teachings can and do reinforce the practice of positive values but it is just one means of getting that reinforcement, not the only means. This tells me that folks who go to church regularly may be honest or dishonest as much of the time as those who don’t. Why? Because, as I said, religion is just but one means of receiving a positive message. If you don’t regularly attend religious services but have positive influences in your life then aren’t you just as likely to practice positive values as those who attend religious services regularly and also have positive influences in their lives? It would reason that those who are regularly exposed to negative values examples, perhaps seeing people getting away with lying, cheating or being dishonest in other ways, may be more likely to emulate those behaviors themselves regardless of whether they attend regular religious services. Religion can strongly reinforce positive values practice but it cannot alone keep folks on track if the other influences in their lives are not so positive. I am all for what helps reinforce the practice of positive values. Religion may have a positive influence on one’s values but I don’t think it is a requirement. I believe we can all be good people practicing positive values with or without it.

What do you think? Do the findings in the study of college students and their honesty surprise you? Why? What or who influences your practice of positive values?

Is There a Formula for Joy?

2009-02-10T17:01:00.004-05:00

There have been 54,000 studies on depression and only 415 on happiness according to psychologist Dan Baker. Baker, in What Happy People Know, says that "happiness can be practiced and managed.” He says practicing appreciation and love makes us happy.

It certainly makes sense that there are more studies on depression versus happiness. We want to “fix” the depressed but there really isn’t a need to “fix” happiness. Of course, perhaps looking into what plays into making people happy and how you can achieve or practice happiness in one’s life could play into curing or improving those who suffer from depression. I think we could all benefit from a little education on how to be happier or how to be better at focusing on what makes us happy.

There are many things that make people happy. I think it is normal for folks to focus on the negative – to dwell on it – for those things tend to stand out like the proverbial sore thumb. When things don’t go right we spend a lot of time trying to figure out why, wondering how we could have done things differently, what preventive measures we can take the next time, how bad the consequences might be, etc. When things go right we are sort of in that “everything is as it should be” place therefore feeling no need to dwell, right? But maybe we should. Maybe we need to push past the “bad” more quickly and wallow in the good a little longer? Sounds like a good idea to me anyway. There is way more in my life that makes me happy than what makes me unhappy so what’s the point in letting that smaller percentage of unhappy stuff define my mood or general outlook? It doesn’t make sense. What I think makes sense is to remind ourselves every day – on the good and the bad days – of just few things that make us happy. Things we appreciate or are grateful for that indeed are a link to or a cause of happiness for us. Here is my short list for today.

A few days of Spring-like weather in the middle of what’s normally a very cold month.
The fun and whimsical movie Hotel for Dogs which is still making me smile days after seeing it with my daughter.
My little dog and her wiggly tail.
Good books to read.
Fresh made iced tea in my fridge.

These may not seem like big things but they are things for which I am grateful today and that bring a happy smile to my face. Tomorrow my list may include some the same things as today or may be different. Here’s the thing, whatever makes you happy doesn’t have to be grand or complex or expensive or “big” in any other way. Nor does everything on “the list” have to be static even though it’s likely many things are – like friends or kids or family. What makes one happy can vary from day to day or hour to hour. Recognizing the happy in little things and focusing on achieving happiness in your life is something that has an immediate pay off – and that’s something we could all use these days.

What makes you happy? What can you do to be happier?

Who Benefits from Empathy?

2009-02-05T11:39:00.002-05:00

“You don’t understand me.” How many times have you heard that? Empathy is a key to understanding people. To empathize with someone is to put one’s self in the other person’s shoes. When we understand the perspective of others, we understand them better. When people sense our empathy, they are likely to respect us because they appreciate our understanding.

The way in which I often start off being empathetic is by not judging or by wearing on my face any sort of emotional reaction. When a friend confides in me about an issue with his child, I do not rush to judge nor do I act shocked or surprised at whatever is being said. I often start off by saying I am sorry – sorry for whatever issue, crisis, upset is being shared.

People often feel they cannot be empathetic if they have not had a similar experience. I do not believe that is true. We can all imagine what our lives would be like if we won the lottery so why is it that we cannot imagine what it would be like to have a troubled child, to have lost a job, to have had our feelings hurt by a friend or partner, to have suffered some sort of setback or sadness in our lives?

If I put myself in the shoes of someone else – try to really feel and understand what they must be going through – then I will be better able to help another solve a problem, ease the pain, see the light. What good am I if all I can offer is a “Wow, that must really stink for you.” Not helpful. Not empathetic.

Empathy can be expressed in many ways – some simple, some more involved. Here are a few ways I try to express empathy:

By just listening.
Offering assistance in whatever way I can – be that emotional support or actually physically doing something.
Sharing a similar experience and how I worked through it.
Giving a hug.
Being a shoulder to cry on or sometimes crying along with the person.
Sending cards or notes of encouragement.
Offering up helpful resources.
Trying to give useful advice.
By not being judgmental.
Making myself available – emotionally and physically – for support.
By remembering that you do not have to agree with people to be empathetic. (This is important!)

I also think it’s incredibly important to show one’s own children empathy. How often do they feel misunderstood? Treated unfairly? Stereotyped because they are teenagers or “too young to understand”? Sometimes I really don’t understand why my children feel they way they do just as my parents didn’t always understand my feelings. I try to remember that I was a kid once which meant I wasn’t always logical or rational or mature. I was very “me-focused” just as they are. Instead of telling my child s/he was wrong or pointing out that their childish response is, in fact, childish, I listen. I say I understand. I try to calm or alleviate the pain or stress of whatever is going on. I always try to keep it about them even if I am sharing a personal experience or story to help. It’s not easy but I want my kids to feel, to know that I am on their side. Being empathetic means making the other person feel you are on their side; that you understand.

How do you practice empathy?

How Do You Know When They Are Right?

2009-01-30T16:54:00.005-05:00

Theodore Hesburgh, former Notre Dame president, said: My basic principle is that you don’t make decisions because they are easy; you don’t make them because they are cheap; you don’t make them because they are popular; you make them because they’re right.

Interestingly I think a lot of people do take the easy way out or go the popular route to avoid having to face a challenging or less than ideal situation or one that might result in a confrontation. I am sure I have caved at times and gone the easy or popular route – hopefully, though, those times have been over issues that were inconsequential. Like opting to go along with a restaurant choice that everyone else prefers when I’d rather go someplace else. With the really important stuff, however, I hope I’m following what I think is right. Right for me, my family, whoever is involved or whatever is at stake.

It’s important to know that the decisions you make are “right”. I try to live my life guided by my values and in general I think my philosophy is to live my life in a way that brings me happiness and to hurt no one in the process. Hurt or discord can’t always be avoided but, in general, if you are truly trying to do the right thing for all involved then you should at least be able to minimize the bad. When I make decisions that require any pondering or deeper thought (not ones like “which pants do I wear today” or “do I need to go to the store or can it wait until tomorrow”) I have to ask myself a few questions, like these:

What do I honestly want or need?
Is what I want/need good for me and anyone else involved? And if not, how does that play a role in my decision?
Is my decision fair to all involved?
Will I be happy with the decision I make and the potential consequence(s)/outcome(s)?
Is it the responsible thing to do?

It’s my values that help me know that my decisions are right. I have to be honest with myself, ensure I am being responsible and fair in and with my choices, know that I will be happy with the choice I make and that the impact on others is negligible or at least that I’ve done all I can to make it so.

Sometimes we have to make unpopular or tough choices to do what is right and it takes courage to do that but if you keep your focus on doing what’s right – what you honestly believe to be the best choice – then you can feel good about your decisions even if they cause some undesirable or difficult consequences. Sometimes it’s our “gut” that tells us what is right – I think that our gut feelings are often right because in our gut lies our values. They are in us and guide us and sometimes you just know. But when you don’t or are unsure, you can ask yourself questions like those above to help you get there. It’s what I try to do.

What do you do? How do you know when your decisions are right?

Self-Esteem & Making Peace With Yourself

2009-01-21T09:39:00.001-05:00

Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have. -- Doris Mortman

Doris Mortman hits the nail on the head. How can we be happy or content with what we have if we are unhappy or dissatisfied with ourselves? Time and again it has been proven that money does not buy happiness. A big house, fancy car, luxurious furnishings cannot fill a void that is inside of us due to not being at peace with ourselves. If I am not happy with what I see in the mirror each morning and there are things I can do – actions I can take – to improve my opinion of myself then I need to do those things. Equally important is accepting the limitations and being at peace with what you cannot change. We all cannot be a size 4, or have beautiful wrinkle-free skin, or have the resilient 25 year old bodies of our past when we are say 45 and beyond. If I could will away the grey hairs and crow’s feet I would but I can’t. Mona, my hairdresser, takes care of the gray hairs – that’s how I deal with those pesky fellows. But the crow’s feet I have just learned to accept. I am at peace with them and as they increase in number I will have to keep that peace – or drink more wine until they blur together into smoothness. No, no, just kidding. But honestly, I have to decide what is important to me in order for me to be at peace. If I want to feel better about myself physically or emotionally – if I want to improve my self-confidence and opinion of myself it is within myself that I have to search and where I have to find that happy balance. No thing is going to make that happen.

Sitting in a nice, comfy chair in my family room watching a movie on a high definition television isn’t going to fix something that is off-balance inside of me. It may distract me from it for a bit but it will still be there waiting when the credits run across the screen at the end. Jetting off on a vacation to the tropics will be a nice escape for a week and might even be a great time but the escape is only temporary – you can’t run from your problems. If you don’t like how you look or the way you interact with others – if you are physically or emotionally deficient or unhappy you need to fix from the inside what can be fixed or improved upon and accept or come to terms with those things you may not have control over.

We often seek comfort in things – a good book, a movie, a nap on the couch, a trip away, a shopping spree at the mall. All of these things can be fun, comforting and good things but they are not solutions or substitutes for what is lacking or hurting or incomplete inside of us. If we don’t feel good about ourselves the answer is not in the cookie jar or the movie theater or a glass of wine. It is inside our souls – and a good look at why we are lacking in self-esteem is required to get to that feel-good feeling again.

When I look in the mirror I am at peace with myself. My face wears the battle scars of age and too much sun - the uneven skin tone, the age spots, the occasional blemish that I thought I left behind in my teens and the fine and not so fine lines that I like to say give me character. I am certainly thankful for products that help mask these imperfections but I am also at peace with them. They are reminders of a life lived. That little bit of extra skin on my tummy that I can’t seem to firm up no matter what I do I look at as a gift – okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, it is not a gift – but it is sort of a souvenir of my two pregnancies. How’s that for finding peace? That silver lining? Really, that smushy little spot is worth it – I’ve got two incredible kids. I often joke that I’m a Picasso painting (from his cubism days) for my eyes are truly two different sizes (subtle but ‘tis true), my ears are at different heights on my head (those sunglass frames weren’t bent like I thought), my nose has a noticeable bump in the middle – a result of a childhood accident playing tag and my hair, well, it kind of does whatever it wants once I put the curl into it. I do my best with what I’ve got and am at peace – even on the ‘bad’ days. A little self-deprecation can go a long way. I don’t worry when I walk into a room at a party or step up onto a platform to speak that someone is whispering about how I look for that does not define who I am. All that superficial stuff is of little importance to who we are although we do need to be comfortable in our own skin – whether it’s tight and supple or a little saggy and in need of some moisturizer. Whether we choose to look like we stepped out of a magazine every day or make people wonder if we even showered that day. However and whoever you choose to be you need to be comfortable and happy with yourself in every way possible.

When I feel good about myself I smile more, I laugh more, I look people in the eye, I am more confident in my speech and with my presence. I project a good feeling, a positive attitude. It is so much easier to face my day when I do so liking myself - what I look like, who I am, where I am on a given day, how I feel inside. I feel it is my responsibility to find my own happiness, to make a good life for me and those I love and I can’t imagine being able to do that if I didn’t first feel good about myself.

How good do you feel about yourself? How do you express that?

Is Patience a Value?

2009-01-14T16:10:00.003-05:00

The rate of change in our lives has accelerated. Mass media make us instantly aware of happenings everywhere. We switch channels whenever we lose interest. TV programs solve problems in less than an hour. Commercials make us impatient to access new products. Computers allow us to access data and perform functions in a fraction of the time once required. The “quick fix” is our way of life.

We live in a world where we are often instantly gratified and as such are raising kids who believe that “instant gratification” is the norm. I believe this will lead them to experience more disappointment as a result. I myself am not a patient person. When I’ve made up my mind about something I want to take action right away. I want to see results quickly. This, I recognize, as a flaw. It takes time to do things right. It takes time to see the fruits of your labors. There are not really that many overnight success stories and those that seem like it we often come to find out were not.

Being impatient sometimes causes me to feel:
- stressed
- anxious
- angry
- frustrated

And as a result it can make others feel:
- uncomfortable
- ‘in the way’ or a burden to you
- frustrated
- angry
- inadequate or ‘dumb’

I do not want to feel any of the above and even more so do not want to make others feel that way. I cannot expect others to work or move at the same pace that I do. I can expect reasonable response times but I also have to recognize that there are things that result in delays that are beyond anyone’s control. These are things I know and yet I am still impatient. I have to work very hard to find patience – whether with my kids when they are moving at a snail’s pace when I’ve made some sort of request of them or with traffic or the grocery store line or the many procedures, customs and routines I come across in daily life that I often find unnecessarily cumbersome or lengthy but that are meant to be followed to provide order and a logical easy-to-understand process for ‘getting things done’.

Here’s another thing – you miss a lot when you’re impatient. When you don’t “stop to smell the roses” there is much to be missed. We often look at life, at our days as big checklists of things to do. To be sure, there is a lot that must be done in a given day but we can find ways to think about these things more as experiences than demands upon us. Rushing our kids to finish up dinner and not talk so much means we may miss out on an important event that happened to them that day at school. Hurrying through our lives and always looking towards “what’s next” is no way to live.

Once on vacation in Arizona we were hiking on a trail in a canyon. It was very nice and pretty but I felt like I had seen enough and wanted to move on to the next trail. My kids thought they heard water and were thinking there must be a waterfall. I think I responded with something to the effect that we were in a super dry area where cactus thrive so how could there be a waterfall. Instead of encouraging their curiosity I was trying to squash it. Fortunately my husband was not in the hurry that I was and suggested we veer off the trail to explore a little bit to see what we’d find. I went, reluctantly, still impatient to get to the next trail but sure enough we found the waterfall and pretty rock formations and the kids were delighted. There I was wanting to move on and see more of the park we were in and had the others let my impatience win out we would have missed the waterfall and I would have missed seeing the excitement and delight on my kids’ faces when they discovered what they thought they heard. It reminded me that I needed to slow down. That there is good stuff, memorable experiences that can be missed when you rush and are impatient. And not only might I miss things, I could be causing others to miss things and I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I have gotten better but I’m still impatient. I have to dig deep on the everyday stuff and have learned to “let it go” a lot. It makes a difference – I am less tense when I am patient as are those around me. Being impatient has no positive impact. Not one. Knowing that doesn’t automatically fix my tendency to be so but at least I recognize that and as such try to keep it at bay. It’s a never-ending battle for me but I have seen the rewards and that drives me to keep at it.

If patience is a value, how might your impatience impact your life?

Keep Your Promises to Yourself

2009-01-05T19:46:00.002-05:00

To be accountable is to follow through on commitments we make, including commitments to ourselves. What difference would it make if, when you promised yourself a vacation, you kept that promise; if when you vowed to visit that old friend, you did, if when you promised to lose weight, you followed through?

As the New Year begins so many of us are making promises to ourselves – otherwise known as resolutions. I am doing the same thing. I give myself a solid ‘B’ on keeping promises to myself. Sometimes I do a great job – an A+ job – but other times I’m more of a C student on that front hence the B. I do a better job of keeping promises to others. I guess that is good. I think people would say I’m reliable and follow through on commitments I make to them so I am proud of that. When it comes to me, however, I sometimes fall short.

Now, on the vacation thing I’m pretty good at making that happen. Travel is a priority and if financially possible our family takes a few trips a year. This April we already have a trip to the Caribbean planned. I will turn 40 lying on the beach in St. Thomas. I can’t wait. Getting away is a nice escape – it allows you to leave the every day stuff behind. It offers renewal. It makes a great difference in my life. I yearn to travel when it has been a while. It’s not just about my curiosity to see and experiences new places, it’s about the renewal and reconnecting with my travel mates.

Visiting and keeping in touch with old friends is harder – for us all it seems. Facebook has gotten me back into communication with a few old friends and for that I am no longer poo-pooing the social networking scene. Well, not as much anyway. When you move outside of your own home – your own realm of control, so to speak – it becomes, or seems to become, a more daunting task. It’s not just about finding time in your own schedule to sit down for coffee or lunch, it’s about finding a time between two or more schedules where that coffee, lunch or weekend is free for all involved. I definitely need to do better with the old and dear friend connections.

I take my health pretty seriously but am not always great at keeping to an ideal diet or exercise routine. Sometimes it takes my jeans stretching to their max at the seams to snap me back into focus but most of the time I do a pretty good job because I want to, because I know it’s important, because I know the stakes are high. Diabetes runs in my family so that alone is a motivator but I also don’t want to cringe when I look in the mirror every day either. Focusing on my health is physically and mentally invigorating. When I’m not properly focused I can tell a difference - in my level of fitness, yes, but also in my positive mental attitude (which isn’t so positive when I’m slacking off).

I find that I often have to say out loud what I want to accomplish so that I follow through. If I utter it aloud – even if only to myself but out loud, not silently – it’s like I’ve put it “out there” and it has to be done. I also find that if I say “I will” it works better than if I say “I want”. If I say “I will” then I’m almost committing to something versus expressing just a wish or desire – things we all have but aren’t necessarily seeking to accomplish right away or maybe even at all. “I will” makes it a definite goal to be attained.

We all have our ways of keeping our promises to ourselves. It’s not always easy so I think we have to remember that we, as individuals, are important. We can’t take good care of others if we don’t take good care of ourselves. We can’t make others happy if our own happiness is only so-so. We have to have a little “me” time – whatever that may be. And we have to remember that it’s okay to focus on ourselves at times. We are worth it!

Do you follow through on promises you make to yourself? How often?

When Values Collide

2008-12-29T11:47:00.001-05:00

Americans are asked to volunteer information that could lead to the apprehension of terrorists or their supporters. Complying can cut across confidentiality and privacy. That makes things a little tricky. If someone tells you something in confidence it would certainly be difficult to go against the promise you have made to keep things between the two of you. But we’re not talking about a little neighborhood gossip here or little tidbits of information that if made public could be embarrassing or upsetting to a few. When it’s terrorism or something with wide-spread implications don’t we owe it to our fellow Americans – which includes people we love and care about deeply – to make sure that we do everything in our power to keep our country safe from harm – whatever that potential harm is? I think we do.

No doubt it would be difficult to be a whistle-blower in any situation. It can thrust us into something that is involved and complicated and that brings adversity upon us. It seems like a small price to pay, however, when you look at the implications of doing nothing. Can anyone look back at 9/11 and honestly say they would not come forward if they had information that could prevent something like that or even something much, much smaller in scale? I can’t imagine anyone could.

Look at our economy? Really, did no one have any idea of the fraudulent things going on in many companies or by individuals? Yes, there was a lot of irresponsible behavior as many were just “rolling with the good times” but there was a lot of fraud, a lot of reckless and unethical if not illegal goings-on. What if some folks stepped forward earlier or at all? Might it have made a difference?

And how about politics – do we want people running our states or working on federal legislation who are mostly out to serve their own self-interests rather that the people who they represent? Especially when they are breaking laws in the process?

I believe it is our responsibility as citizens to do the difficult thing and get involved when we become aware of things that can be detrimental or much worse for the lives of others, even when the impact on ourselves is negligible. Our safety is a big deal. Our financial well-being is a big deal. Our country’s laws and policies and freedoms are a big deal. If there are people out there who are a threat to those ‘things’ then we must do something about it if and when we can. I do feel it is my responsibility to do what I can to ensure the best possible life for those I love and those with whom I live on this earth.

Are you readily willing to volunteer information that might lead to the apprehension of terrorists? Why?

Another Thought for This Holiday Season

2008-12-21T19:39:00.004-05:00

Henry Van Dyke said, “What you possess in the world will be found at the day of your death to belong to someone else. But what you are will be yours forever.” As we rush around and shop for “things” during the holidays I wonder how often we shoppers stop to think about who we are, what we are teaching our children and what kind of examples we are setting for others. Isn’t that the greatest gift of all? To give of ourselves to others? To give our love, our kindness, our gratitude? To be generous in spirit above all else? Isn’t that the “stuff” that’s the most important? Yes, yes it is.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love shopping for people and finding that "perfect" gift. And I love watching the kids rip open packages and seeing the looks of surprise on their faces and the smiles of happiness in response to Santa bringing them exactly what they asked for. Christmas is a time in our house to replenish and update in many ways. As the kids age, they grow so they need clothing and shoes that will fit their changing bodies. They also evolve intellectually and socially thus new and different books, toys and music are requested to feed those interests. We are fortunate to be able to provide these types of material gifts to the kids at Christmas but we also really try every year to make sure they see how important the little and not so little non-material things are. We try to remember to talk about and show them how important it is to be kind, to show your love, to give of yourself, to be gracious and generous - not just at Christmas but all the time.

Mr. Van Dyke is correct – all our ‘things’ will pass on to others one day. They may hold good memories and be special reminders of loved ones for us but they are often just catalysts – catalysts for thoughts of who those people were. For example, I have my grandmother’s piano in my basement. My children play it and I love that thing because it holds wonderful memories of visits to her house when I was a child. But it is her I see, and her I think about when I look at it or listen to the kids play on it. I remember that kind, sweet, smiling, funny, tiny lady who was so generous with her time. She took us on bike rides and to yard sales to find “special treasures”. She let my sister and me drink “coffee” from this tiny Santa mug (it was about 99% milk and 1% coffee) so we could feel “grown up”. We would swing together on her porch swing. She made us dresses for dances when we were in middle school and high school. She told me stories about my grandfather who died in World War II before my mother was old enough to go to school. The way she described him to me when I was a senior in high school I could almost feel how much she loved him. I remember that so clearly. Tears came to her eyes remembering him – some fifty years later. It was true love I saw - I felt - when she spoke. I have in my dining room china cabinet these reddish pink drinking glasses that once were displayed in her dining room china cabinet. They make me smile. Because they are pretty? No, although they are pretty. It's because I see her in them and that resultant thought is what makes me smile. Who she was. She set a good example. She made people laugh and liked to laugh. She meant well all the time. She loved us and we felt it. She cared and we knew it. She persevered as a young mother and widow. She was strong in spirit. That was who she was.

The glassware I have that belonged to her is nice and I cherish it but if they were to break they are gone forever. Just a thing that is no longer and that will be soon forgotten. But my Grandma Porter will forever be who she always was. For eternity. She was a true gift. I hope one day my kids and grandkids will remember me as kindly. I want to be remembered that way. I want to be that gift to them the way she was to me.

So, here’s another thought to ponder this holiday season: Who are you today? Is it who you want to be?

Happy Holidays and Peace to All.

Exercise & Better Self-Esteem

2008-12-13T20:59:00.005-05:00

According to one study in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, people who exercise regularly have better self-esteem. When exercise stopped, self-esteem regressed. There have been many studies that report improved mental health as well as physical health through exercise. From my own experience I would have to validate this study.

I do excercise regularly. Well, mostly. At times I am more of a sporadic exerciser. It seems to become sporadic in busy times - around holidays, when the workload piles up, when the kids have lots going on. Interestingly, these are the times when it is likely needed more than others - at least mentally. I usually run or ride a recumbant bike for aerobic exercise then do weight training to work my muscles. Nothing major, just some resistance training. Exercise takes time so it's easy for folks to say there is no time. Funny, though, how there is always time to watch that favorite television show or chat online with friends or go shopping or have coffee with a neighbor or do other "me" stuff. All of those things may be good things to do to relax and unwind too but can't we can find time for a little exercise?

If you ask me it is a major player in our feelings of self esteem. Big time. I totally feel better about myself when I am exercising. Whether I look any better in the mirror or not isn't the only thing that causes me to feel better about myself, it's also about knowing that I simply did it; that it's good for me and in some way or another it's benefiting me.

Feeling good about myself gives me confidence. I like myself more when I'm exercising. When I exercise I am taking responsibility for my health and I respect myself for that. It takes determination sometimes to make myself trudge down to the basement for that workout or venture outside for a run. I sometimes have to push myself pretty hard to continue on with a workout when I really feel like going to bed so I have to have perseverance. But it's all worth it for in the end I feel so much better - happy with myself - after that hour - or even half an hour sometimes when I'm crunched for time. My clothes fit. I don't get winded when I climb the stairs. I don't look in the mirror and say "I should really start exercising." It's all good when I'm in my exercise routine.

What do you think? Does exercise help your self-esteem? Why do you think this way? And if you don't exercise, how might your self-esteem be different or better if you did?

A List of Thanks

2008-11-23T08:48:00.003-05:00

Deborah Norville wrote, Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You. “Even when bombarded with life-shaking events, we can find something for which to be thankful”, says Norville. “It helps to focus on the forces that go right instead of the other kind. Making lists of stuff for which to be thankful helps.”

As we approach Thanksgiving it seemed appropriate to write about being grateful. I decided to make a list of stuff, as Deborah Norville suggested, for which I am thankful.

My husband and children – they bring me much happiness, love and laughter.
My dog – she never fails to greet me in her own doggy way.
My health – not all is ideal (oh the aging process!) but overall I feel quite fortunate for my good health.
My friends – whether near or far, old or new, true friends are there for you – sometimes in reality, sometimes in spirit – and that support system is invaluable.
Other family – my parents, siblings, in-laws, other relatives – family, which needn’t be only defined by genetics or the law, is awesome.
Choice – the freedom of choice - to have choices – politically, spiritually, socially, personally, professionally – is a freedom we should remember to be grateful for.
Work – being productive, whether you are paid for it or not, is rewarding and enriching.
Our world – beaches, big bustling cities, small towns, foreign lands – not all is ‘right’ in the world but I am very thankful for what great beauty and interesting places there are for us to explore and experience.
Comedy – having levity in your life makes it that much more fun. I am thankful for the people and the things that make me laugh.
Life – just to be here is a gift and I am thankful for every moment

What three (or more) “things” are you most thankful for today? Why?

Caring for Animals - A Core Value

2008-11-13T18:34:00.002-05:00

In Forbes, David Whelan tells about spine surgeon, medical instrument inventor, aggressive patent protector, billionaire and philanthropist, Gary Michelson. Michelson really cares about animals and is investing in science to reduce the number killed by animal shelters and those lost from their owners. In his tough childhood, his dog was a source of comfort. His caring for animals is a core value for him.

I am glad there are people like David Whelan in our world; people who have the means to do more than most of us can and are giving to causes that are important to them, that help those who cannot help themselves. Clearly animals are dependent upon us humans, in one way or another, for their well-being. Not all humans do such a great job at caring for or respecting the lives or these wonderful creatures. Many, however, do. I love animals. Maybe not all animals – snakes, for example really give me the heebie jeebies – but I do find just about all, if not all, animals fascinating and interesting and many I fight outright lovable.

I’ve had pets ever since I was about 4. After seeing 101 Dalmatians I just had to have my very own Dalmatian. One day at a pet shop (which were common then, not so much now and I know they are not good places to get pets) I saw a black and white toy fox terrier in its kennel and I announced, “Look! A baby Dalmatian!” My mother jumped on the opportunity and bought us the dog. She was not on board with what she thought would have been a dog that was too big and perhaps not great with children. I suppose I loved that dog so much that I never asked where her spots were or why she didn’t grow to the size Pongo or Perdita were in the movie. From then on we always had dogs. And other pets – cats, a rabbit and a horse.

Most of the animals I grew up with were strays. We lived out in the country on a gravel road with farms and houses on many acres that were mostly not within view of our road– a great place for unwanted pets to be dropped off by uncaring, cruel people who no longer wanted them or could no longer care for them. There was a pregnant cat who had three kittens and a pregnant dog who had three pups. At one time I believe we had 7 or 8 dogs and 5 or 6 cats at the same time. Crazy, I know, but at least we had the property to allow them all to run around quite freely. We were able to give them a good life. Every time we took in a stray we intended to find it a home but we became almost instantly attached to the animals and we couldn’t part from them. They brought us joy, laughter, love and heartache. The emotions I felt towards those pets were as real and as strong as any I’ve ever had. They were my friends, they were my family, they were loves of my life.

Caring about animals is absolutely a core value of mine. I donate regularly to several animal organizations and sporadically to others when I am able. I’ve picked up dogs running loose and helped them find their way home. My husband and I actually witnessed someone drop off a dog on my parents’ road when leaving their house one day after a visit. We were able to get the dog into our car, arrange for its veterinary care and found it a home. I cannot pass by a dog without giving it a little attention (I ask, of course, if I am a stranger to the dog). I’m clearly a dog lover but I care about wildlife as well. It’s their Earth too. And they were here first. We need to be mindful of all creatures as we develop our world, as we do things that can harm their habitats. These creatures are innocent, natural beings. They have no power over us humans but we have great power over them. We have a responsibility to not abuse that power, to not do harm to them.

I need little motivation to practice caring for animals. It’s deep within me. Every kiss and snuggle from my dog helps ensures it stays that way. Every time I watch a Nature show on PBS or witness the awesome footage in the Planet Earth series I am further certain I will continue to support and care about animals. They have given me, I think, a greater capacity to care and love and laugh than I would have had otherwise. And for all they have given and will continue to give to me I owe them as much as I can give back.

Is caring about animals a core value for you? What motivates the practice of this value?

Civility: The Way Citizens Practice Constructive Relationships

2008-11-06T17:41:00.003-05:00

Civility: The Way Citizens Practice Constructive Relationships

Why do some of us toss our trash wherever it suits us?
Why do some of us not share the sidewalk or hall with those we pass?
Why do some of us think that playing our music at top volume is our personal privilege?

Civility is a big issue for me. I think we’re less civil than we used to be. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve become such a “me” culture that we have decided that me, myself and I are the only people that matter or if there’s more to it. I think there are various reasons as to why we have become less civil. Here are some civility issues I’d like to see improved upon:

1) Minimizing cell phone use in public places. If absolutely necessary to carry on a cell phone conversation in these places, the civil thing to do would be to keep the conversation brief, keep your voice down and/or move to a location where there are no or few other people so as to respect the personal space of others. Most people do not want to be forced to listen someone else’s conversation. Don’t make them.

2) Holding the door for others. It’s civil and polite. Take a moment to look behind you as you walk through a door and if someone is there or close behind you hold it open until the door can be relinquished to the person who follows.

3) When you see someone who could use a little extra help, offer it. Don’t stand by and watch someone struggle – be it a mother with a stroller, an elderly person with groceries, anyone who may have their hands full then drops something, a child who can’t reach something – take the few seconds to ease someone else’s load.

4) Have patience. At some point in time everyone is new to a job. You may be in a hurry but surely the new cashier isn’t intentionally moving slowly. The student driver may be a little nervous; it won’t help to beep your horn. Technological breakdowns in stores, offices, schools will happen – taking your frustration out on an innocent by-stander does nothing but make that person’s day worse and does nothing to remedy the actual problem. We live in a busy, crowded world, being impatient isn’t going to change that and isn’t going to make your or anyone else’s day more pleasant.

5) Respect other people’s time and space. Don’t make people wait but if you must, call or provide an update as to your status. Don’t think that everyone wants to hear your conversation, your fun ring tone, your music or anything else that may emanate from you, your car or your residence. We all live together in communities and move about in the same space, however, this is shared space, don’t act like you own it or that you rule over it.

The way in which I try to practice civility goes back to what my parents taught me – treat others as you would like to be treated. It is really excellent advice. We all know what we like and don’t like so how easy would it be to make sure that we ourselves avoid doing any of those things that we personally do not like? Very easy. I also try to do things that are simply polite which are also expressions of civility. I offer a smile to those I pass on the street, in the grocery store aisle or whenever eye contact is made. I use good manners. I say please and thank you. I hold doors for others. When I have a large amount of groceries on the conveyor belt and someone behind me walks up with one item to purchase I offer for them to check out before me. I am mindful of others not just myself. I try to remember that what I do may affect others and I think about whether those effects are civil and respectful.

I think we have become too focused on ourselves and when you do that it’s very easy to see uncivil actions come out. When you operate in a “me vacuum” and disregard others as you move about your world you are not adding to your community in a positive way; you are not setting an example to be followed. In fact, you may be perpetuating uncivil behavior.

How do you practice civility? How can you be more civil?

Learning From Our Mistakes

2008-10-23T16:44:00.002-04:00

Patrick Dempsey, widely known as “McDreamy” on the television drama Grey’s Anatomy, said in an interview with Jeanne Wolf: “The more you can allow yourself to make mistakes, the better off you’re going to be. That’s what life is about. It’s good to have your ego burned.”

I am completely in agreement with Patrick on this one. It takes a certain amount of failing, of “having your ego burned” to allow you to develop the humility and perseverance that life often requires. It also provides the opportunity to learn a great deal about yourself. It would be very easy to become complacent if everything in life came too easily. People would begin to feel entitled to the good that comes their way, they would come to expect to get whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. And when you get to that point you can find yourself facing some tough consequences. How do you develop an appreciation and understanding of what it means to work hard and the rewards, monetary and otherwise, that can come from that? What skills are you developing to handle the adversity that may come your way as you move through life? Everyone needs to get knocked down a peg or two from time to time lest we all get a little too big for our britches. It’s very simplistic to say that our economy is faltering (to put it mildly) because of many folks who became too big for their britches. If you walk through life with rose-colored glasses on all the time eventually it will catch up with you and not in a good way.

The young athlete who is always the all-star would benefit from being struck out or shown up on the court every now and again. This will help keep him/her grounded. Even if you’re the best at something, there is always someone there eager to knock you off your perch. Getting shown up once or twice is a good reminder that you need to continue work hard, that you can never assume that position at the top will always be yours.

The straight-A student who rarely cracks a book would greatly benefit from an average test grade. To be able to understand what it’s like to be ‘less than perfect’ is a reality-check that many need. Knowing how it feels to get back a “C” paper, knowing that you can have a bad day too sometimes provides that dose of reality that will keep you from assuming everything will always be easy for you, that you can’t always count on that A, you have to work for it.

When you make mistakes there is a tremendous opportunity to learn. For one, you learn what to avoid in order to not repeat the same mistake again. You also discover something about yourself. Maybe you realize a vulnerability that you didn’t know was there before. Maybe you had to work hard to overcome whatever that failure was proving to yourself how tough you really can be; or perhaps you had to go back to the drawing board and think things through a different way challenging your creativity or your intellect. You sometimes discover what’s most important to you through mistakes and what not to sweat. Out of mistakes comes the chance to grow, to improve, to learn. You might discover how much someone means to you or what you really want to be doing with your life or that you are stronger than you ever thought you were.

I think we all believe that cruising through life with no metaphoric traffic jams would be just great. But life is all about experiencing – learning, growing, loving, feeling, seeing, doing. It’s impossible to not trip along the way from time to time but from those missteps we learn how we are all alike in this world in one big way and that is that we’re human. We’re the same in so many ways, working towards the same goal – to live a life worth living, however we each may define that that means. Having our egos burned reminds us of our humanity and that we should never for a moment take for granted all the blessings in our lives. Don’t you agree?

The Lessons He Leaves Behind

2008-10-15T10:03:00.004-04:00

Computer science professor and father of three, Randy Pausch, when diagnosed with an incurable pancreatic cancer, delivered his now famous “Last Lecture” at Carnegie Mellon University. His main points were:

Always Have Fun
Dream Big
Ask for What You Want
Dare to Take a Risk
Look for the Best in Everybody
Make Time for What Matters
Let Kids Be Themselves

Like many others, I watched this Last Lecture – on You Tube. Some people saw him on The Oprah Winfrey Show. What he had to say was not rocket science and yet so often I think we forget to do some of the things on his list. I cried when I watched him speak – I cannot begin to understand what it is like to be facing death, knowing it’s coming and soon; knowing you won’t see your kids grow up, that you won’t grow into old age with your spouse by your side. It was heart-wrenching yet so very uplifting. I thought about his points.

Always Have Fun – Is this really possible? Well, yes, most of the time. My family will tell you that I don’t let too many opportunities for jokes go by. Little witty comments fly out of my mouth before I even realize at times that they are ‘out there’. Then there are obvious fun times. Playing games with your kids, going on vacations, goofing off just because, laughing at television shows. But then there are times when a little light-heartedness will do us all some good. It can turn the mundane into something enjoyable; make a boring assignment easier to get through; make a long drive pass by a lot more quickly. If something isn’t fun and you don’t have to do it then don’t. Or find a way to make it fun. Smiles are much more satisfying than frowns or blank faces.
Dream Big – I think we all did this as kids. My kids do it. My son talks of playing college sports and maybe professional sports. We let him dream – you can’t get there if you don’t dream big. Maybe he won’t get there. Maybe he will. Our job is to encourage the big dreams while making sure there’s a back up plan by ensuring academics are a focus, by fostering an interest in other things if that pro contract doesn’t pan out. My daughter wants to own her own store and be a cheerleader and a dancer and a mom. Possible? Sure. Easy? Not necessarily. I’m guessing her dreams may get bigger as she gets older. Dreams are good. They provide goals for us to reach. Sometimes we find ourselves right where we want to be somewhere in the middle of reaching for that dream. We shouldn’t stop dreaming as adults. If there are things we want to accomplish, places we want to go, then dream on and in the process work towards getting there.
Ask for What You Want – This is a big one. So often I’ve said to my kids “ask for what you want, the worst that can happen is we’ll say no”. You certainly aren’t going to get what you want if you don’t ask. And even if you’re told ‘no’ at one point, you might get a ‘yes’ later. If you want that promotion, an new job opportunity/role, that cool new game, a date with the girl next door, to dance with the boy you’ve had a crush on since grade school – ask for it. Don’t settle. If you settle you may be sorry later, you may regret the opportunity that you missed. Ask for what you want, people can’t read your mind.
Dare to Take a Risk – This can be hard. Putting yourself out there and trying something when you aren’t sure how it will turn out. Try out for the school play. Ask that girl to dance. Challenge yourself by moving outside of your comfort zone whether that is taking on greater responsibilities at work, forging into a brand new career, moving to a new city, traveling to far away lands, say ‘yes’ to new and exciting things when you know it’s safer to say ‘no’ or ‘maybe later’. There’s a lot of fun to be had out there when you dare to take a risk. A lot of opportunity to live life more fully.
Look for the Best in Everybody – This is a hard one for me. When someone is rude to me or others I don’t look for the best, I hone in on the rudeness. When I’ve been let down or disappointed by someone or something I do not look at the situation with an optimistic or forgiving eye. This is something I need to work on. I do, though, look for the best in my kids and those that I love so it is possible. I need to find a way to extend that out to other groups with whom I associate or interact. We forgive those we love much more easily than those we barely know. It’s not such a giant leap to extend that out to the customer service rep on the phone who isn’t doing a very good job of helping you with your problem or to the neighbor who is not so warm and inviting on a given day. We all have our pluses and minuses and it’s easy to hone in on those negatives but when we focus on the good, the positive it makes us feel a whole lot better. Sometimes it takes being the bigger person, being able to say “I’m going to let that go” rather than dwell on it but in the end you’ll feel better that you did.
Make Time for What Matters – Stop and smell the roses. What you want and what matters may not be the same thing sometimes. You may want to watch the big game on TV but your child wants to play catch or ride bikes with you. Recognize that one day he or she will be asking for the car keys to leave you and be with other people rather than wanting to find things to do with you. For me, family matters. Friends matter. Nature matters. Dogs matter. Health, fun, curiosity, laughter, education and travel all matter. Love matters. I try to find time for all of these and I often find I am experiencing many at the same time. Sometimes you can find time for what matters even when you think you can’t. You may need to be creative and flexible but you can make the time.
Let Kids Be Themselves – We want our kids to grow up so fast then lament about how fast they are growing up. We track their every move. First step, first word, first solid foods, first haircut, first tooth. Baby books are filled with memories of these “accomplishments”. We try to micromanage who they are and how they should behave. We schedule them to the point where there is no time to just “be.” We often think that every moment has to be filled or we’re not doing our jobs as parents. I don’t think so. Kids need as much if not more downtime as we adults. When they are ten they are going to do and say ten-year-old things. We may not always like what those things are but they are, after all, just kids. We can coach them, usher them into adulthood by helping them mature and become more responsible with each passing year but let’s let them be kids while they can be. Let’s not box them into some ideal that we want them to be well before their time. They are supposed to be silly and immature and conflicted and happy, sad and everything in-between. It’s a great time in their lives, let’s not steal it from them.

It’s not always easy to do the things that Randy suggests. It takes pulling from your values to get there: courage, optimism, self-sacrifice, love, compassion, responsibility, self-confidence, leadership and more. You’ve got to recognize what it takes to get there not just where you want to be. Your values are what will drive where you end up.

What do these topics mean to you? What values do you think must be practiced to realize them?

How Do You Measure a Year in Your Life?

2008-10-06T18:54:00.003-04:00

I took a long walk this past Saturday. It was a beautiful day - perfect for being outside - so I decided to get some exercise. I strapped on my iPod and set it to shuffle mode. I was just walking so all kinds of music worked (verus when I run and need 'upbeat' music). At one point in my walk the song Seasons of Love, from the Broadway musical Rent, began to play. The song poses the question: "How do you measure a year in the life?" then goes onto answer the question in a word: Love.

I really enjoyed the Broadway production of Rent when I saw it over a decade ago and also the movie when it came out. I also really like that song. It makes you think. I was thinking about all the different measures people use to define what makes them happy or makes them feel that their lives are valuable. Money seems to be one big way in which we seem to measure our success, one means of putting a value to our time here on Earth. There are other measures people use to assign value to their time - places visited, books read, meals shared with family and friends. These are all quantitative things. Things you can count so they make sense in that way. But love? Is love a measure of the value of a year in one's life? I say yes. Big time.

For me what makes things valuable are how they make you feel, not what they are. And love is the greatest feeling of all. To love and be loved is "it". When you love someone you truly want to make that other person happy. You want to do things for them. You want to protect them, ease their loads. It can cause you to become the most selfless of people wanting to do, to show that person how much you care, to make them feel good 'just because'. You want to experience everything you can with that person. You can't get enough.

There is another song, by Queen, that has a line that goes like this: "Just one year of love, is better than a lifetime alone." Think about that. Think about someone you love and how incredible and fantastic it makes you feel. Then think about never having that. Ever. If you have been fortunate enough to truly love someone then you will agree with that line. And the answer to the question from the Rent song. Love is a very powerful emotion. If you have brought joy, happiness, caring and love to another of felt it from another - for one year - than you have had a great year.

It is a true blessing to love and be loved. Much of what we do in our lives is driven by our love for others. Weekend youth sports events are packed with loving parents. Hospital rooms of those who are ill are crammed with loving friends and relatives. Countless couches are home to many a loving couple watching a movie on a Friday night. Many dogs and cats sleep peacefully on the laps of their loving owners. Cups of coffee are shared every day by old and dear friends who love one another. These experiences, which we can count if we wanted to, make up the years of our lives but what drives them? What makes them meaningful? It's the love that is shared or that is there with us, between us while we're doing all these things that we do every day.

So I say yes, love is how I measure a year in my life. How do you measure a year in yours?

What is Friendship to You?

2008-09-23T10:49:00.005-04:00

Below is a recently published Value Minute® feature that I'd like to explore:

Friendship
In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis viewed Friendship as an often ignored form of love for the modern world. A friendship is different from an acquaintance. Friends stand side-by-side in common interests. Friendship is the least jealous form of love. It has roots in the need of companions for the hunt, for the care of the family and for conflict. Friends are bound together by shared experiences. In friendship, we choose our peers. He notes that friendship is unnecessary, has no survival value but, “is one of those things which gives value to survival.”
Do you have friends as defined by Lewis? If so, what impact do they have on you?

I do have friends that fit the definition that Lewis offers. And I agree completely with the way in which he defines friendship. I would say that I have many, many acquaintances with whom I enjoy spending time on occasion but whose company I do not seek out. These are people I interact with at my children's sports or extracurricular activities, at social gatherings, and at other locales. The interaction with these acquaintances is driven by shared experiences or common interest but it often doesn't go deeper than that coincidental intersection of our lives. Once our children, for example, are no longer playing on the same team we don't find ourselves continuing many of those relationships. They are not something that "grew roots", they were purely connections that occurred by chance. Our kids played on the same team. We shared that experience. Rooted for the same team. Cheered wins. Lamented losses. Talked about whatever came up and that was of common interest but it didn't really get beyond that one common connection, it didn't grow beneath the surface, if you will. That's not to say that these acquaintances, these experiences aren't nice or beneficial or enjoyable, they just aren't real friendships. They are passing, temporary, fleeting. Friendship is not. It remains. Even when you don't communicate with that friend for days, weeks maybe even years. It's something that you could fall right back into with no effort. I have friends from college who I haven't seen nor talked to in quite a while yet I still consider them friends. I still am very interested in what's going on with them, I am hopeful that their lives are going well that they are happy. I think about them, maybe not all the time but from time to time. Friendship is a form of love and if you truly have it then it doesn't ever die, like love. It may change, it may transform, it may look and feel different than it once did but, like love, it never goes away. That's what I believe anyway.

The friends I have today that I do get to see and spend time with and enjoy are great assets to my life. They challenge me to be forgiving sometimes when my tendency is to not do so. They make me laugh. They make me cry. They allow me to care a little more deeply or cause me to care more extensively. If you have a true friend you find yourself caring about what he/she cares about. They listen. They tell you the truth even when it's hard to do so. But they also do their best to protect you from hurt. They are there for you - if not physically then emotionally. You can count on them. There are no walls in real friendship - your friends take you as you are and you them. They want to help, they want to be a part of your life. It is not about obligation or expectation - it just is. To me it seems impossible to have a real friend and not love him/her. If love is forever, and I believe it is, then so is friendship. It does, indeed, give value to survival.

Are You Accountable? A Third Grade Lesson.

2008-09-12T12:14:00.006-04:00

My 3rd grade daughter came home the other day bothered by the fact that she missed a portion of her recess because she had not completed her homework and had to first finish it before being permitted free time to play outside with her classmates. She had failed to alphabetize all of her spelling words, she had only put the first ten in ABC order. I think she was looking for sympathy from me but she didn't get any. I asked her several questions. Below are the questions and her answers.

Q:Why did you only do ten words?
A: Because I thought we only had to do that many.

Q: Why did you think that?
A: I am not sure. That's what I wrote down.

Q: So you misunderstood the assignment?
A: Yes.

Q: Well, what did you learn from that?
A: That I don't like missing recess.

I laughed at that last answer and stopped asking questions. I told her that she needed to be sure that she understood what her homework was and that she wrote it in her assignment book completely so as to avoid confusion/misunderstanding. She told me that she didn't do it on purpose which I said I understood but that it is her responsibility to make sure she knows what her homework is and if she is unsure to ask her teacher for clarification. I then went on to explain what it meant to be responsible and accountable. I had a great opportunity to use a simple example that she had experienced. She faltered in being accountable and there was a consequence that she didn't like. It was not a particularly painful experience for her, thankfully, but enough of a negative that hopefully she learned from it. I am certain she will be more diligent about understanding her assignments but I am hopeful the lesson she learned will help her be more responsible in other things too. Remembering to put her shoes in the closet would be a good place to start! I think the shoes of both of my children are going to start disappearing when they aren't put in the closet. Perhaps when they have no footwear to put on they will get it!

This little experience of my young daughter is a great lesson for us all - not just 3rd graders. It very simply illustrates a drawback of not being accountable. It's a rather inconsequential experience but it is not difficult to extrapolate out and see that the bigger the falter the bigger the consequence. I see, for example, people text-messaging while driving! "Holy cow" I say when I see this and try to get away from these drivers asap. These texting drivers are a menace on the roads. They are not being personally accountable - they are putting their well-being and that of others at risk doing this. Worst case scenario they cause an accident that takes a life. That's a serious consequence! I know that's a big jump from missing recess but the point I'm trying to make is that we need to be accountable in everything that we do because when we aren't there are consequences - sometimes minor, sometimes not even noticeable but sometimes they can be significant, even tragic.

If I think about the choices I make every day I try to think about what the consequences are or if there are any associated with them. If there are I consider whether that makes a difference. Clearly if the consequence is positive there isn't much to consider but if there are potentially negative consequences then it gives me pause. I may have to and often do reconsider my choices.

So, are you accountable in your everyday life? Do you recognize the potential consequences of the choices that you make? What difference would it make if accountability was a standard in your life?

Do you practice “truthiness”?

2008-09-03T12:54:00.007-04:00

Comedy Central satirist Steven Colbert is credited with the word “truthiness.” He defined it as "truth that comes from the gut." That statement elicits many questions for me, the first being what does that mean? I am not sure what he means exactly although I do think the roots of "truthiness" have to lie in honesty. It's not something made up unless you're gut reactions are generally dishonest ones and I don't think most people's are. Plus, you can't tell a lie and call it truth or truthiness unless you didn't know it was a lie but who doesn't know when they are lying? Maybe it's an individualized truth - meaning that my truth or your truth or whoever's truth aren't necessarily the same. It's what feels like the truth for each of us.

Many people question what truth really means which brings us to the question as to whether the definition of truth is subject to debate? If I'm asked if I like a friend's new car and I really don't but I say "I like how roomy it is and the leather seats are very nice" it is an honest response but it doesn't answer the question. It's sort of a shade of the truth. So is that truthiness? And would some people say that I was being dishonest because I really don't like the new car which would be the outright, overall honest answer?

I do think that honesty is, for the most part, black and white. We teach our kids to tell the truth no matter what. That either something happened or it didn't. That cheating is not okay in any circumstance. But then there is so much that isn't black and white or seemingly and that is when we employ truthiness. When we don't like the black or white answer. The way things happen, for example, are subject to interpretation. The whys surrounding what happened can be many. Is it okay to copy a peer's homework? To be unfaithful to a spouse? To take a pack of post-it notes from the office supply cabinet? To tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings? To convey a made up schedule conflict as an excuse to not a attend a party? With all of these examples (as well as many others) I think many of us could convince ourselves that there are reasons or caveats that would make all of these things acceptable or okay. That these dishonest practices or acts are less so depending on many factors? Is that truthiness then? When there's more to be considered that just what the 100% honest answer is?

It can be complicated. One wouldn't think so but it is. Sometimes the gray makes it so. When we don't want to hurt feelings. When circumstances surrounding something are not 'normal'. When the people involved are loved ones you don't want to see hurt. Is there really a difference between the truth and what Colbert calls truthiness? Isn't most of what our gut reactions are based on what is right, what is just, what is honest? If that's the case then I do practice truthiness. But is that the same as always speaking the truth? I'm not sure. What about you? Do you practice truthiness? How close to the truth do you think that is? Do you think your answer means that you are an honest person? How important is that to you?

What Impacts Your Values? How Do You Choose What to Practice?

2008-08-25T10:49:00.007-04:00

When you must put your values into practice, what influences you most? I think about this a lot as a mom. I wonder what influences are going to play a role in the choices that my children make. Aside from what we, as parents, teach our children either verbally by praising positive practices or pointing out shortfalls or being role models for them to follow, where are they going to get further reinforcement of what we're trying to impart? There are so many other influences on their lives: other family members, friends, superiors like teachers and coaches, people in our community and the media, oh the media.

For me I can regularly see in the way I move about my life the impact that my parents and all those who surrounded me growing up had on my values. The way in which I express or don't express myself goes back to my childhood and what I learned about being a good person. Of course I had positive and negative experiences with just about every group that had any sort of influence on me but by and large they were positive and those that were not I think I recognized as such and learned from them in terms of thinking that was not how I wanted to be. The media didn't have as big a grip on my life as it does on today's kids. We didn't log the kind of hours they do in front of the television, computer or video games. Those three things do worry me. We have to be diligent about what our kids are watching and doing with these media and how long they spend doing it. It is important from a mental and physical health perspective. Still, though, I see the human interactions as the ones that make the most difference. At least I think so. What we learn from the people that we interact with is what we can connect with the most and are most likely to emulate or reject.

So, how do I choose what values to practice? Well, fortunately, I think often times the choice comes naturally. When something positive occurs to me I want to reciprocate in kind. Also, I'm all about optimizing happiness and quality in my life. It is not to my or my family's benefit to be ungracious, rude, selfish, dishonest, unkind, unfair or any other "un" word that can do harm. So, I choose (most of the time, if I'm being honest) to take the road that supports that goal of living a happy, quality life. I falter at times. My impatience gets the best of me or my lack of sleep shows a little too much sometimes in my attitude but that's when I have to try a little harder to do better the next time and make any amends if my faltering has affected others in a negative way. I think about the person I want to be and try to be that. It's not always easy but it is rewarding.

What impacts your values? How do you choose what values you practice?

Olympic Values

2008-08-11T10:05:00.003-04:00

I love the summer Olympics. Aside from watching some of my favorite sports there is so much more that you get out of it. There are stories – great stories – some won’t come out until afterwards. There are always the tales of great victories and heartbreaking losses but there are usually many more poignant stories to be heard. They may be of new, unexpected friendships being formed between athletes from competing nations, or the path an athlete took to get to the games, overcoming great odds in doing so. Many of the stories will be things that happened outside of the field of competition – stories of the people who are the athletes, perhaps of human kindness. I will look forward to reading or hearing about those stories in the days and weeks to come but so far I’ve just enjoyed watching the competitions. Honestly, I’ve been awed by much of it and in surprising ways.

Last night I was watching gymnastics and swimming. These athletes – all of them – are just incredible examples of what can be achieved when you work hard, when you put your all into your sport. They have trained for years to get to this point and I can’t help but smile when I see the joy on their faces when they realize they have won a medal. I can almost feel their pride as they stand on the podium. Their determination and perseverance is inspiring. I’m excited for them. I’m impressed by them - by their ability, by their skill, by their seeming flawlessness, at times, in the execution of what, to me, are impossible feats.

But here is what I am also impressed with – their gracious behavior in both winning and losing, their ability to hold it together when nothing is going their way, their sportsmanship, their respect for the competition, for their competitors, for the games themselves. I listened to crowds cheering as loudly for one country as another – clearly many were cheering for the achievements of the athletes not so much for a given country. I find myself excited for whomever wins – how can you not be? Seeing that sheer happiness on their faces is infectious.

I think, however, that the most impressive thing of all is seeing what everyone has in common, what brings them together. In that swimming pool, on that balance beam, court or track everyone is the same in so many ways. We’re watching people from all over the world strive for the same thing. We’re watching people from all over the world hug each other – sharing happiness, empathy, compassion, kindness, joy, and sadness. The color of their skin, their religious background, their politics, their culture, traditions, language – none of that seems to matter. They are all human beings who have gotten to the same place by practicing, by and large, many of the same values. They are showing themselves to be a lot more alike one another than different.

Of course, we all know that on a larger scale there are many differences. All is not right in the world. We do not all agree in concept or in reality with the policies, politics, traditions, beliefs or religions of others – even within our own countries much less those of other nations. We do not all get along. I wish we could take just a little of the magic that comes with the Olympics, whatever it is that brings us all together for that short period of time, that has us cheering for everyone, and sprinkle that around the world. Just think of the difference that could make.

So I’m enjoying these Olympic Games. They are showing me how very extraordinary humans can be – both in and out of competition. There’s a lot we can learn from watching them. I hope our leaders are taking notes.

Dishonesty in the Lunch Line

2008-08-05T08:37:00.004-04:00

I read in the newspaper yesterday that in the county where I live - Fairfax County, VA - several middle/high schools are installing video cameras in the lunch line areas of cafeterias to deter theft. Apparently at least $1.2 million dollars in losses is attributed to this type of theft. That's a lot of money, especially with the budget cuts that were made this year. So, the solution? Big Brother.

I am not one who worries too much about being videotaped. I know it really bothers many people - our civil liberties and all - and I do agree with them but I don't, at this point in my life, feel all that bothered by it. I know I am being taped as I go in and out of retail establishments, in parking garages, airports, etc. This is all supposed to be for our security, our safety. Let's just say that I'll buy that at this point. My son's school already has video cameras mounted to monitor the comings and goings of students, again, for their protection. I think Columbine is the reason schools made a lot of those kind of security changes. But we're talking about the lunch line. Kids are apparently pocketing sandwiches, wraps, fruit, even french fries. The crowds of students so large and the lunch breaks so short that the workers can't be expected to catch all the petty theft going on. Even teachers who are offered free lunches to be monitors miss much of it and it is costing the school system enough money that an investment in video cameras is being made to deter the thieves, many, who the article noted, come from high income families - this is not just an issue of the have nots trying to find a way to get a meal.

This is bothering me. It bothers me that mostly students (the article noted that some theft may be attributed to some of the employees) are stealing food. Food their families can afford to purchase. And those kids who can't afford it get redcued cost or free lunches so why the theft? Does doing something "bad" provide some sort of adrenaline rush? Are they on some sort of lunch budget set by their parents and their hunger level exceeds that budgeted amount? Are they just trying to see if they can get away with it - like a self-imposed dare? Or do they just not consider it "wrong enough" to abstain from doing it? Whatever the reason, it's disturbing. We've read a lot about the brains of kids under 21 not being fully mature, about how their decision-making capacity is not completely "wired" resulting in poor choices. Is that to blame? I have trouble with that too because we teach our children right and wrong from the beginning. And the big stuff - lying, cheating, stealing - gets reinforced along the way at school, at church, in the news, etc. So, as I said, it's troubling. What's next for theses kids? Pocketing a box of paperclips or a candy bar at the local Target? Filling up their gas tank and driving off without paying? Studies show that one act of this sort can and often does lead to another so while I'm bothered by the idea that video cameras have to be installed to deter this cafeteria line theft, if it works then I guess it may be preventing future dishonest acts and will help instill the "right" in those inclined to do wrong.

I just wish it was as easy as saying "hey, stop the stealing, it's dishonest, it's wrong" but it seems to me these days that too many people are finding the grey in what to me are black and white issues. Stealing is wrong. Period. Now, I do embrace the "grey" in many areas of my life - everything isn't black and white to me but stealing is.

How about you? Where do you stand on theft? Is it ever okay? Is it ever justified? I can think of cases where I'd feel sympathetic to the thief but I can't think of any case where I'd say it's okay. It's just plain wrong. And it's disturbing that this seems to be a trend with our youth at schools. What do you think can be done, aside from installing cameras, to help fix this problem?

Are you grateful? For what?

2008-07-25T08:56:00.005-04:00

I am about to leave for the beach later this afternoon. Every year my family - my parents, siblings and their families and our family - go to Emerald Isle, NC for a week. I guess we've been going to the same oceanfront house now for 7 years. It's a lot of fun. I feel very fortunate to have such generous parents who rent the house that provides for such nice family time together. My daughter wasn't even a year old the first time we went, now she is almost 8. A lot has changed over the years. Packing is certainly easier now - no diapers, water wings, formula, fifty million sand toys. One thing that hasn't changed is that it is always a great time together - whether the house was filled to the brim because everyone was there or it was a smaller crowd because some folks couldn't make it one year.

As I sit here procrastinating, needing to shower and pack up the final few things that didn't get done last night I am feeling quite grateful. Grateful for my family; for the fact that we are able to take this vacation during such difficult economic times; for kind neighbors who will keep an eye on our house while we're away and water our flowers on the deck so they will survive the 90 degree week that's expected; for the sun and the sand and the ocean - our natural playground for the next week; for the memories that will again be created by being together with loved ones.

There is a lot to not be grateful for these days - the economy, the price of gas, the record number of foreclosures, budget cuts at schools, the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan, to name a few. It is easy to get down, to dwell on all that's going awry in the world as a whole or in your little slice of the world. I'm not so grateful that my house trim is in dire need of painting and that a very large tree in my backyard has died and needs to be taken down. We all have little or big things that are not so going so well in our lives but I bet that if you try you can think about many, many things that are pretty great. I find that when I dwell on those great things - no matter how big or how small - I feel better. I feel grateful.

Are you grateful? For what?